The "Refusal to Grasp"

Slowly learning the meaning of fasting...

2009-03-01T17:12:00.002-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that I have never really understood what 'fasting' is. I mean sure I've known what the word means, I've probably heard and read what learned people have to say on the subject and I've even made a few sad attempts at actually doing it myself. But really getting to the root of it all......has somehow escaped me. I say 'somehow' like I don't know what it is....lets be honest here. This is a result of my immaturity and lack of self discipline. Lately the subject has come up again and again and it seems to be getting my sincere attention now. I've also been contemplating on the vast difference between dieting and fasting. The staff at Wisdom has challenged each other to a weight loss/get healthy competition this Lent and we are serious. But where and how does our call to fast fit in there. I know that it's not the same to try and lose weight and to offer sacrifice, although trying to lose weight can be a great sacrifice.
I think the first nudge for me this Lent to understand fasting better was Pope Benedict's Lenten Message for 2009. He says, "In the New Testament, Jesus brings to light the profound motive for fasting, condemning the attitude of the Pharisees, who scrupulously observed the prescriptions of the law, but whose hearts were far from God. True fasting, as the divine Master repeats elsewhere, is rather to do the will of the Heavenly Father, who “sees in secret, and will reward you” (Mt 6,18)"
Fasting is to rid ourselves of those things that keep us from God. We must fulfill the desire for those earthly goods with the ultimate good of presence with God. (see the quote at the top of this blog). Ultimately fasting is a way to train our bodies to reject sin.
He points out how the early Church fathers spoke of Adam and Eve's 'eating the apple' as the first rejection of a call to fast. I have never made this connection before and it is blowing my genesis loving mind right now. How can we fill our sensual desires with the love of God? Not as some sort of awkward thing that is posited onto our humanity but as a real and specific answer to the question of our specific desire?! This is a point that deserves lots of thought and meditation. Or maybe it is a point that requires that I jump right in and experience it for myself.
I suggest that you read his whole Lenten address. Here is a sample...

"We might wonder what value and meaning there is for us Christians in depriving ourselves of something that in itself is good and useful for our bodily sustenance. The Sacred Scriptures and the entire Christian tradition teach that fasting is a great help to avoid sin and all that leads to it. For this reason, the history of salvation is replete with occasions that invite fasting. In the very first pages of Sacred Scripture, the Lord commands man to abstain from partaking of the prohibited fruit: “You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall die” (Gn 2, 16-17). Commenting on the divine injunction, Saint Basil observes that “fasting was ordained in Paradise,” and “the first commandment in this sense was delivered to Adam.” He thus concludes: “ ‘You shall not eat’ is a law of fasting and abstinence” (cf. Sermo de jejunio: PG 31, 163, 98). Since all of us are weighed down by sin and its consequences, fasting is proposed to us as an instrument to restore friendship with God. Such was the case with Ezra, who, in preparation for the journey from exile back to the Promised Land, calls upon the assembled people to fast so that “we might humble ourselves before our God” (8,21). The Almighty heard their prayer and assured them of His favor and protection. In the same way, the people of Nineveh, responding to Jonah’s call to repentance, proclaimed a fast, as a sign of their sincerity, saying: “Who knows, God may yet repent and turn from his fierce anger, so that we perish not?” (3,9). In this instance, too, God saw their works and spared them."
MESSAGE OF HIS HOLINESS
BENEDICT XVI
FOR LENT 2009

What are your experiences and thoughts about fasting?

'Real' good.

2009-02-25T22:37:00.005-05:00

A few thoughts today:

First:

This morning as I was brushing my teeth I was having a conversation with myself. Not out loud mind you, or I would have gotten toothpaste and spit all over the place, but in my head. I was thinking about all the things I want for my daily life, all the things I'd like to have in order and about how many excuses I made to keep myself from doing them. A typical moment might go something like this;

Alarm sounds*
"Self, it's 6 am, you really should get up and pray and exercise you know."

"Yes Self, I know! But I work such long hours sometimes and when I get home there is still food to fix and a house to clean and a baby to take care of. I'm soooo tired. I deserve this extra sleep. It's the least I can do for me."

"Self, you know you're right. You do deserve this sleep. Hit that snooze button and if it dares to go off again in 9 minutes, hit it again!"

I'm awful polite with myself arent I?

So..like I said, as I was brushing my teeth I thought. "Self, you are waaay too polite to me. So polite that I make excuses for me and end up not doing anything at all that requires the least bit of discipline. So, what I'm saying is....stop it!"

So what happens when I stop being polite? (and start getting real?) 10 points for anyone who recognizes the old school 'Real World' line.
I need to get real with myself. Sure, my excuses are valid. And I could (and usually do) justify them to get out of whatever difficult task that is before me. But should I? what do I get out of it? I get further in the hole thats what. I become less and less of the person I want to be.

Second thought:
The velveteen rabbit is one of my favorite stories. I think because as a kid I had so many stuffed animals there was often very little room in the bed for me to sleep. I sincerely believed that they were real, especially the ones I loved the most, and knew for sure that once I left the room they began talking and moving around. So, when I grew up and read the Velveteen Rabbit for the first time I fell in love with it. I think of this story every time I think about the word REAL and what it might mean. That little velveteen rabbit was loved with such intensity that he became real...and thats all there was to it. I think the most REAL we can be as humans, the fullest expression of our humanity (as it was intended) is to be holy- to be Saints. And, contrary to our belief about our efforts, the main ingredient for that is the unwavering love of our creator. That love, if we let it, can and will make us into who we were intended to be in the first place and THAT is holiness.

Third:
There is a book on my nightstand called "Vice over Virtue" by Archbishop Fulton Sheen (my favorite Lenten buddy). This morning I was reading a little snippit and a line caught my attention. He was speaking about how we sin because we love the flesh. He said , "the only way to stop sinning is to find something that we love more than the flesh." This reminded me of a phrase Dean Schindler used to say in class " How do you get a drug addict to stop doing drugs? Not by saying "don't do drugs thats for sure. You must make him fall in love with something else." that something in both cases has to be God. We have to understand his love for us so that we might love him in return. I don't know if I'll ever come close to REALLY understanding it but being a mother sure has helped.

Tied all together:

If I'm going to stop 'making excuses'. If I'm going to be able to get real...to become REAL...to be holy then I have to really seek to know God's love for me and then let my life be a simple response of gratitude to that love. It wont be much in comparison but it will be a joy to God. All I have to do is see my baby boy smile once in response to my silly "I love you" and I know that its true.

Hope your ashes lasted all day!

Take 2!

2009-02-25T00:10:00.004-05:00

Ok, it's 2009 and Lent begins tomorrow. I started this blog at the beginning of lent (see here) to follow my progress in my lenten sacrifices. For the most part I did a good job with the journal (and the sacrifices for that matter). That was a few years ago. I wasn't married. I wasn't a mom. I didnt have a job (unless you count teaching Gymboree classes).
So, it's a new year. I am a wife and a mother and a busy campus minister...and things in my life need to be reordered- namely my prayer life, my marriage, my physical health and my time management.
I've ordered the books, gotten the spiritual director, started the diet (well...tomorrow), planned the excersize, resolved to pray, work out, listen, speak with charity and say yes to the opportunity to die to self. I would also like to journal about these things and since I'm bad at journaling...blogging will have to do.

55 minutes and counting.... Lets go.

St. John Vianney

2008-02-24T17:42:00.000-05:00

"the task of man is beautiful: to pray and to love. If you pray and love, this is the happiness' of man on earth…"

St. John Vianney

Festival Acadiens...

2007-10-15T00:12:00.000-04:00

...the only place you can find cajun music, alligator shaped bread and a bumper sticker like this.

waiting...

2007-10-09T21:48:00.000-04:00

Homecoming float; the journey begins!

2007-10-09T09:36:00.000-04:00

We're starting preparations for homecoming, including our kickin float! We are defending champions so I can't let out the design outright. I will tell you that it includes a pepper, a chicken and a scary bulldog :)

rebuild my church...

2007-10-08T21:31:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to me :)

2007-10-08T00:12:00.000-04:00

Lucy dog

2007-10-07T00:26:00.000-04:00

I'm back

2007-10-06T03:22:00.000-04:00

I'm posting...after a long long time because of the following:

It's 2am on my 28th birthday
I'm not sleeping (though I should be)
I got a new camera and want to post pictures

anything of more importance (and there are things) will have to wait until another time...

enjoy the pics :)

Goodbye Colorado!

2007-06-25T15:22:00.000-04:00

A week from today I will most likely no longer be a resident of Colorado (though I'm not sure if legally I ever was.) Anyway, I say 'most likely' because we still havent finished dealing with all of the house 'stuff'. I won't go into it here but I will say that I think it'll all work out. We should be closing next week and both hubby and I will travel back for that event. He'll help me set up the house and then he'll zoom back over to Denver for another month or so. It's a huge life change but all in all it doesnt feel so huge just yet.
We're in limbo once again and while it is weird it's not uncomfortable. We are staying with some dear friends of ours and their very fun, very active 4 children. Surprisingly, staying with them has reminded me both how difficult parenting can be and that even in the midst of chaos, I still want to have a gaggle...(a flock? a school?...a full quiver?). Anyway, I will miss them and be sad to go.
All of this excitement also comes at a time of celebration. Thursday is hubby's 30th bday (wow) and 7/7/07 (arent' we lucky?) is our first anniversary. Can you believe that? I can't. We kind of celebrated both a little this weekend with a day of fun and togetherness. We went white water rafting which was a blast and something even my fearful self would love to do again one day. We went up to Mt. Evans lake and watched the ducks and strolled around enjoying the breathtaking view. We went to the Aquarium down town and then we caught a movie and dinner. All in all it was a really great day and I'm glad we got to spend it together.
I will try to write more in the days to come...but thats sometimes a promise I can't keep.

Moving Out Sale....

2007-06-05T16:51:00.000-04:00

Other names i could have chosen for my 'garage sale':

The "I'm sorry we don't have any old records, stero equipment or tools for sale" sale.

The "They're tearing our house down and this stuff is going to go with it" sale.

The "Watch it rain all over our stuff " sale.

or my personal favorite...

"Nobody is buying anything so I'll take a minute to blog about it " sale.

We'll , T minus 48 hours until we move out of this place. I'm trying to sell some of the furniture and appliances that we arent taking with us to make a few bucks so that I can buy a couch for our new home.

It's thundering pretty hard out there and I think it's going to rain on my garage sale. On top of that I called the moving truck and asked them not to come today because there is street cleaning on our side of the road on the first Tuesday of every month between May and October (yeah..it took us a while to figure that one out) and what did I do? I parked the friggin car on that side of the road. Yeah. I got a ticket anyway.

Ok....I'm gone for now...

What I've been doing...

2007-06-04T00:59:00.000-04:00

This is where I was last week...

and this is where I was yesterday...

What have you been up to?

more to come...

Random...

2007-05-20T23:35:00.000-04:00

In approximately 8 hours Hubby and I will be on a plane destined for Gulf Shores, Al for the retreat/training for our new jobs. Today I said goodbye to my kiddos in their graduation, tomorrow I meet my new kiddos. As is life. God Gives. God takes. God's name be praised.

Did I mention I hate to fly? I do, I loathe it, but the flight is short and hubby will be with me so I guess that makes it all better. Although, I just know he'll sleep the whole time and I"ll be wide eyed and freaked out. Oh well.

While we are home we'll be looking at houses. I've made a spread sheet of all the houses we've been looking at online so that we can make notes and see all the stats side by side as we visit. It's kind of exciting, our first home.

I'm reading "Hannah Coulter" by Mr. Wendell Berry right now. It's pretty excellent and I'm almost done and I'm going to be sad when I am. Luckily he's got more fiction that I havent read yet.

Just some random thoughts before I leave.

Wish me luck!

Happy Birthday!!!

2007-05-18T19:27:00.000-04:00

John Paul II!!!

Have a favorite story or quote or memory of our beloved Holy Father? Share it!

Go back to the beginning....

2007-05-15T16:05:00.000-04:00

Where do I begin?

It's a retorical question, I know. Where else do we ever begin but at the begin'ning'? You could begin in the middle chronologically, I suppose, but then in essence you make it the beginning anyway. So there you are.

Sorry, I've been in a Theology department meeting all day. The wheels are turning especially fast. I'm in gerbal mode.

The beginning is wherever I start, mostly because I can't remember where I left off. Lent right? It was Lent and it seemed relatively uneventful. Then we got a call that the priest who is now at the Catholic Student Center where I first 'met' Jesus (where I first cared about meeting him anyway..as a young adult), the point of my conversion, lets put it that way. The same Church where I met Hubby and where 7 years later, we were married. So, that guy, he called and said in not so many words that he wanted both Hubby and I to send on over our resume's and letters of intent to him. So we did and sooner than we thought he called us back and offered us both jobs.

Wow huh? I know, it's like a dream come true aside from the obvious sorrow of leaving this wonderful place and all the dear friends that we've made. We prayed about it and thought about it and talked about it, alot.

In the midst of all that praying and thinking and talking I began to feel weird, not myself, off balance, no memory, lack of appetite. Yeah, you guessed it, the little blue line was there bright as day and all of a sudden our very full plate became a gluttonous display of blessings. I was pregnant.

Joy. Fear. Anticipation. More Joy. Worry etc. We experienced it all and within a month and a half nearly every family member descended upon us. They had all planned ahead of time to visit near our spring break which just so happend to be in the midst of all of this.....life.

We decided to accept the jobs, not because of the baby but because it seemed to be, undoubtedly, what God was calling us to. He had found us, and we couldn't dispute that. Hubby gave up his acceptance to the Choral Conducting program here for his second masters and the next day God provided a similar (though smaller) program back home with a full scholarship and an assistantship to boot. He will work part time at the Church as the Musical Director/Liturgical Coordinator and I will work full time as the Campus Minister, dream jobs for us both at a spiritual home that we know so well.

That all meant beginning to say goodbye to the people and the jobs that we love so much here in Denver. We began to do so even though we arent leaving until August. We continue to do so.

At about 9 weeks I was beginning to 'gush' within myself about the life that was growing within me. Little things started to show up around the house; a rattle that 'grandma' brought when she visited, little booties that say "someone in Colorado loves me very much", books about pregnancy and an item or two of maternity clothes.

I began to reflect on the pain of childbirth and what I wanted to do about dealing with it. It was one thing to say 'all natural' when it was just a thought but now there was this being that had to come out. I knew that if indeed I wanted to endure that kind of pain that I would have to start preparing myself for it now. I began to pray. I asked hubby what he thought and he said so simply "God will show you if thats what you are called to." And so, I prayed some more. That last week of lent it seemed every sermon, every reading, everything was about suffering and the beauty of suffering with Christ. Redemptive suffering...indeed. Holy Thursday is my favorite day of the Church year because it's so intimate. We found a Church here that night and opened ourselves up to God. I opened the scriptures and began to read particularly about the virtue of suffering for what it good. Plain as day it read, "and to this you are called." I pointed it out to hubby and he said, "well there ya go." It was clear, I was to suffer for this child.

On good friday I woke up to a sight that pregnant women fear. I didnt worry immediately because I had read about the 'serious' signs to look for. But as we drove to church to sing for the good friday service that afternoon, I began to get a bad feeling in more than one way. By the 5th station, every genuflect became more painful than the last and I knew the inevitable was upon me. I was losing our baby.
There was nothing we could do but go home and call the doctor, so as the last few people walked up to the altar to venerate the cross I sat before it and cried my eyes out. All I could think of was the injustice of the situation. We didn't ask for this baby. It didn't ask to be here and now it was going to be taken away. Injustice. Then, I glanced up at the cross and as if Christ said outloud, "I know" it became clear to me. Redemptive suffering.

It was a long night that I won't ever forget. The doctor said for us to keep a close watch and come to the ER if needed, otherwise I should keep my normal appointment on Monday.

Easter was hard. Hubby led the packed Church in singing 'Alleluia" but I knew he was hurting inside like me. We didnt quite know what to do or how to feel or where to go. How do you grieve someone you didnt 'know' but whom you 'knew' more intimately than any other human in your life?
Our appointment on Monday revealed a very empty womb as we suspected. We both reflected on the symbolism there and the reality of the Risen Christ. He is risen and now so is our Child with Him.

All of the details of the following weeks are beautiful and hard and I will cherish them and the people who comforted us. We named the baby Josiah and entered his name into the 'Book of Life' at the Shrine of the Holy Innocents.

So now the school year comes to an end and we prepare to move, again. That is a story in itself, but one for another time.

Where's Waldo...er..Amy?

2007-05-14T23:36:00.000-04:00

Ok so the template has changed. I'm back, but not quite yet. I have way too much to post to start now when I'm in the middle of a great novel. I shall return......

Stuff...

2007-03-11T14:07:00.001-04:00

In other news, my girls' basketball team won state which is amazing for two reasons. First, they were by far the underdogs and quite frankly I don't even understand how they made it to the top 8 tournament in the first place. Every other team there had a record of 21-4 or better our score going in was something like 15-10...go figure. Not only did we make it to the top 8 but we beat all of those teams, fancy records and all. Secondly, I'm starting to think I'm a good luck charm for underdog highschool teams where I work. Granted, I've only worked at 2, but lets not get too caught up in the details. When I worked in Louisiana, our little, little high school team with the big heart won the state championship in their class beating boys that I think probably at the time should have graduated a good 3 years earlier. They are probably still there. ....and now this. You do the math.

I'm just sayin'.

Aside from all that the guests are beginning to flow. Two weeks ago my Aunt and Uncle and cousin were here for a week of visiting (and eating). Last weekend my Sarie came to play with me (for only a short time *tear*)and we had a lovely time freezing our booties off in the mountains and catching up at delightfully Christian coffee shops in down town Denver. While she was here our dear friend Padre Luke came to retreat in the mountains and we were blessed with him a day on either side.

This Wednesday, my cousin/sister/cousin comes in on Wednesday for a trip that we've been waiting for for quite some time now. She leaves on the following Thursday, the same day that my inlaws arrive (dun dun duuuunnn!) Thats right, mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, and sister-in-law all arrive in the middle of our spring break. Weeks of fun to come.

Novena To Saint Joseph begins today...joy of joys! Blessing of blessings! I love that man, though he works in his own sweet time....there's just something about Joe.

Peace out!

Ora Pro Nobis

I'm speechless...

2007-03-06T22:43:00.001-05:00

ok maybe not but I'm shocked and confused at the very least.

I'm sitting here watching Primetime "The Outsiders" and there they show a story of a man who has (aparently) been visited by an angel and asked to be the second coming of Christ on earth. He's Puerto Rican and an ex heroin addict oh..and an ex Catholic (of course). He teaches (among other scary things) that the Catholic Church is evil and has his followers rip and burn pictures of the pope. He hates all organized religion for that matter and calls himself the anti-christ and wears on his clothing and his body (you guessed it) the number 666.

he called himself the Antichrist and revealed a "666" tattooed on his forearm. His explanation: that, as the second coming of Christ, he rejects the continued worship of Jesus of Nazareth.

His followers, to show their support tattoo the number on their skin. They throw money at him and buy him expensive watches, cars and basically anything else he desires. They adore him. He drinks, smokes, gambles and is constantly surrounded by scantily clad women. He spouts scripture as only the devil could and teaches emphatically that neither hell nor the devil exist anymore. They have been destroyed. He doesnt believe that marriage is forever and himself has been married a few times. Little children adore him and call him "Poppi" while they salute him with two fingers at their forehead to remind themselves that their faith is in their minds. He calls them the 'super nation' or something very hitler esq like that.

Are you afraid yet?
Kool-Aid anyone?

The second story on this show was about a woman who lived (and made herself look like) a man for two years as a research project for her book. Her conclusions were such that a woman's sexuality is in her mind while a mans is carnal but desperate for intimacy. Close, but not at all. She also came to the grand conclusion that "gender is in the mind".

I'm crying small salty tears of desparation and I'm pretty sure I need a Martini.

Parent Teacher Conferences day...

2007-03-05T15:47:00.000-05:00

thats today...and here I sit in my office, parentless. And the worst part about it is I had to say goodbye to my Sarie earlier.

Anyway, I only have one class and they are seniors. I.E. not many of them show up and the ones who do are not the ones that need to be worried about their children. So, I spend a day of "She's great, always insightful and polite, good grades, pleasant smile, she's a delight to have in my class. Ok nice to meet you too. Byebye!"

It's not fake, I would never say anything I didnt mean. What I want to say really is can you go find this kids parents and drag them in cause WE have some stuff to talk about. But alas, you can't make em care. Which is why their kids don't I guess.

There are some things brewing in hubby and I's life right now. Good things, I think...big changes..maybe..can't elaborate. Please say prayers and I shall keep you updated when I can.

Peace out.

Yay!

2007-03-02T23:10:00.000-05:00

My Sarie will be here in a couple of hours! yay!

and our beloved Padre Luke on Sunday!

the eye of a camel...

2007-02-22T20:50:00.000-05:00

And so Lent has begun and thus marks a year since I've started this blog. No, I haven't been the most faithful but its been very enjoyable for me and even healing at times.

I had one of those moments today. I was walking down the hall at work, feeling very misunderstood and persecuted and stuff and I desperately wanted to run to my humble, unread blog and type until my little hands fell off. Of course I was actually at work and had no time to do so. Why so misunderstood you ask? Well, it seems this little dance issue has become somewhat of a situation of persecution for me. I know, it sounds silly, "it's just a dance" or so they say. But, in essence, it has revealed the level of surrender of many people around me.
Up until this point, the 4 months that I have worked there, I have been a pleasant presence from what I can gather. People have enjoyed me, related to me, complimented me and even marveled I think in the genuine humanity (and oh how human i am) of a 'young' 'religious' woman. There is a level of Catholicism or truth that true and Catholic people desire. It encompases many things, many issues; morality which they are proud to stand up for, issues which are heated in the world. But there is also an area beyond that level in which those who cross the line become 'other'. It seems that dirty dancing and calling children to prayer (at the very least out of respect)in the moment of a social activity, places one big ugly toe over that line.
I got a call today from a parent who's child had a "miserable time" at the dance and will not be attending anymore of our dances. His reasons? Because the music was stopped to acknowledge God and thus his fun was thwarted. Her advice to me? "It's not that big of a deal you know. It's just a dance. I think you should let them hear the music they want to hear and dance the way they dance. I mean, I go to clubs and dance that way myself." And...therein lies the problem.
The level which we really need to reach to address the issue, is beyond our reach. Parents are the first educators of the faith. Even when we, after 14 years are allowed to be "co-educators" with them, we compete with a big, twisted world that is much louder and flashier than our lone voice crying out in the wilderness. In spite of that, it is not parents who I feel persecuted by, though they certainly add splinters to the cross. At the end of the day its those people who have complimented me and raised me up, those who have patted me on the back and "been behind me in all that I do", those people that called themselves my friends who now look at me with squinted eye and tilt their head and say almost in unison with these parents; "it's not that big of a deal you know, its just a dance."
The kids however, inspite of all they have fighting for their souls everyday, still give me hope. Precisely because they are that, kids, they smile and laugh and live the best they know how. Furthermore, they believe in me even if they don't know why just yet.
And....they make me laugh.

Question on the last test I gave on Veritatis Splendor: "In your own words, recall the story of the Rich Young Man and Jesus."

Answer: "..............and when the Rich Young Man walked away sad Jesus said to his disciples, ' It is easier for the eye of a camel to pass through a needle than it is for a rich man to enter into heaven."

Indeed.

deep sadness...

2007-02-20T20:40:00.000-05:00

It's been a while but this one is a doozy, I promise. Have a seat....

This weekend was a dance at school that I was in charge of. Preparations were hectic but normal I suppose. The decorations were beautiful and everybody was ready to have a lovely time. I even hired a DJ that I was certain would play appropriate music and allow the kids to have a good time while being modest. I was "certain" because I explained myself ad nauseam, explicitely stating what I did and did not want played. He also assured me that he was a God fearing man and knows how to play appropriate music. All good and well....until the dance begain.
First song.."It's getting hot in here..." Seriously dude....appropriate? So, the principal asks me (and you have to love his humor)"are we ok with everyone 'taking off all their clothes?" Which of course, we were not..
Long story (and I do mean LOOONG story) short..he continued (against our wishes, expressed over and over) to play very inappropriate music. During which he repeatedly stopped to ask the students to stop their "bumping" and "grinding". He then proceeded to stop the music in the middle of the dance to lead the students in an Our Father.
Ok. So, the kids were mad that we prayed. The principal was mad at the DJ. The DJ was mad at the principal. I was mad at everybody. It was a gloriously decorated, glittery train wreck and if I hadn't been in charge I would have left.
The DJ's polar, nay, completely compartmentalized view of faith left me baffled. How can you play that kind of music and expect them not to dance that way? How else do you dance to 'Ridin' Dirty?' Please tell me? Then, in the midst of aiding their demoralizing moves you want them to pray? Argh.
That being said, I was beside myself with dissapointment that these students, at a Catholic school, where we pray many many times a day, in the same room that we celebrate Mass and share in the body and blood of Christ could not be polite enough to say a prayer? Please.
But an even bigger problem than the fact that they danced that way is that they see absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that they were dancing that way. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. But somehow it seemed weird and innapropriate that in the same instance as dancing 'that' way they should be asked to pray. They get it..they just don't know it.
So today I began my class with a dilemma for them.
"I need your opinion" I said. "Friday night, I went to a party by myself. I was having a grand old time, visiting and laughing with my friends until one of them asked me where my husband was and how he'd been doing. Can you believe that? They asked me about my husband when he clearly was not there and I was just at this party minding my own business trying to have fun. So, I got angry and I went off a little bit. I even threatened to leave the party. My friends think I overreacted. What do you think?"

*confused looks* "But, Ms. Amy they just asked you about your husband, how he was? Whats the big deal?"

"The big deal" I responded, "is that I was trying to have fun, not friggin talk about my husband. I wasn't home with him, I was at a party having fun. When I'm at home with him thats all fine and good but not away from it all."

*more confusion* "But, you overreacted. He's your husband even when you're not with him. Its not that big of a deal to talk about him. You love him and...we don't understand."

But being the smart cookies that they are, they caught on. "Wait, is this a true story?"

I admitted to my whitel lie and asked them if they made the connection. If I believe in God and I am a praying person, then not being in Church doesnt mean I cease to love him.
They caught on eventually and we had a nice talk about the dance.

This ordeal upset me a great deal and I have a deep sadness for these kids, who I love and who I know are good in the truest sense of the word. I'm also at a loss for what to do for prom.

Any ideas?

The new house...

2007-01-19T00:30:00.000-05:00

is great! I love it. We moved in last weekend and though things have been hectic ever since and there are still unpacked boxes everywhere, it's really exciting to have space to cook and pray and be.
This house is literally 10 feet from our little house. It's in the same yard and has the same landlord, only bigger. So, yay! and feel free to come and visit anytime now, we've got guestrooms. (Yes thats right I said rooms). Only one small problem there... The guest sofa bed currently sits upright at the bottom of the basement stairs waiting to either miraculously fit into the room or get chopped up into tiny pieces and thrown out. Also, the free washer and dryer that we got and were very excited about look great. The dryer doesn't heat up though. So now what? Wet clothes.
Yes, it's got its issues. But don't we all?

a snowballs chance in hell...

2007-01-04T11:54:00.000-05:00

Did I forget to mention that it has been snowing a little here in Denver? Uh...I'm pretty much over it. it's pretty for about a day and then the fact that there is 6 inches of snow (er..ice) on the roads and drifts of 2 feet everywhere else, gets a little tedious. I'm just not made for this stuff. Snow keeps getting in my Crocks and nomatter how cold it is, I just can't wear that many layers. Ugh.

Ok...*stepping off soapbox*

Otherwise the holidays have been ok. Only ok because we left Denver in a hurry to miss the first storm (which we still caught a good piece of) only to get back home to days and days of rain. Family stressed over what nights we slept where, toys lined my mothers floors for days and all in all without my grandfather there, it just didn't feel like Christmas. My cute, snotty nosed nephews got both hubby and I sick jusst in time for us to leave in a hurry again to miss the second storm. A day early was smart but the car was smarter than us. Just far enough from home to turn around in the middle of the night and the middle of nowhere Texas we got a blowout and spent $100 to sleep for 4 hours in a hotel while we waited for the Super WalMart to open. The next night we did in fact get caught in the storm and made it home about an hour before the interstate closed for the next 3 days. Since then Hubby has been fighting what we think was the flu and we've watched so many movies that I've taken to being a critic.

Man it'll be good to go back to work :)

Mozart and the Whale: a review

2007-01-03T20:22:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt like you teeter on the line of social inadequacy? Sometimes I feel like I live on that line. Like everybody else belongs to some club that I haven't yet found my way to and might not want to even if I had directions. I have trouble looking people directly in the eye when I speak to them if I don't know them well. I sometimes lack the simple ability to make small talk and more times than not I'm a little less frilly in my speach than is generally accepted.
Thats pretty much what this movie is about and I have to say I did enjoy it. Granted these people have a higher degree of social akwardness and are clinically diagnosed as such, my simple blunt terms would just say that they are just like most people without the crap.
Two people with Aspergers syndrome (a mild form of Autism) find a home in each other that they cannot find with the vast majority of people they've encountered in life. Donald has an fascination and talent for numbers and Isabelle an artistic streak and the inability to hold back her thoughts. Both belong to a support group for Autistic adults which Donald began. The group sees Donald as a "god" both socially in comparison to them and compassionately as their leader. Never-the-less, they are family and in their own anti social, emotionally distant ways are always there for each other. There is alot of humanity in this movie and short of the unfortunate insinuation of pre-marital sex, it's innocent and interesting.
Hubby and I found alot of similarities in the couple's issues to our own. He was messy, she was a little neurotic. She wanted a home and nice things and he worried about how they were going to pay for it all.

... like most people without the crap. They didn't mess around with small talk and insignificant formalities. They weren't swayed by particularities in personality or honesty and in the end they dealt with the issues that we all do.

It's all about "meme"

2006-12-18T21:44:00.000-05:00

Ok so (just like everyone else) I never do these things. But alas, it is (almost) the Christmas season and I'm in the mood to spread a little joy and share a little bit of myself. So, enjoy or ignore, as you will.

(Props to my friend Penni at 'Martha Martha' for sharing her answers and bringing a smile to my face)

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? first of all, I don't drink egg in any form and if you can tell me what a nog is, we'll talk. so basically what I'm saying is hot chocolate WITH marshmellows (the little kind)

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? He always wrapped them at my house in wrapping paper that looked suspiciously like moms.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White all the way. Hey, I'm from Louisiana, it's the only way we can have a white christmas.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? I'm a newly wed, who needs mistletoe :)

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? My cousin's rotel, ground meat and cheese dip. Yummmy.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child: Waking up at the crack of dawn and trying for the next hour to get my big brothers to wake up so we could open gifts.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I woke up in the middle of the night (because what kid is really sleeping sound on christmas eve anyway) and saw "santa's little helpers sneaking out to the living room and eating cookies on the way.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yes, with extended family.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? our tree is 10 inches tall, no ornaments this year.

11. Snow! Love it or dread it? hate it mostly (being as I never saw it growing up) but love it when it gets me out of work.

14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Faith like a child.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Um...not sure.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? My whole family, cousins and all, going to Christmas Eve Mass together and then gathering at my parent's house for food and presents and lots of laughter.

17. What tops your tree? nothing but usually an angel.

18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving? Interesting question.... My answer would be too long but JPIIers..you get me.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? What Child is This.

20. Candy canes: I don't like pepermint flavor very much but I have nothing against the shape :)

21. Favorite Christmas movie? I agree Penni, It's a wonderful life, hands down. Although Charlie Brown Christmas is a close second. Linus' speech gets me everytime.

Ok somebody else do it!

spent...

2006-12-14T19:06:00.000-05:00

I am beyond tired. Work is fun and enjoyable and even fulfilling in many ways but man am I exhausted! I just got home and am leaving again shortly to babysit (my other job). Luckily the baby goes to bed early and I can spend the rest of the night relaxing. Lord give me sabboth on a Thursday!

How is everyone else's week going?

Work and Rest

2006-12-09T10:49:00.000-05:00

I just slept until 8:30...are you kidding me? I forgot what that felt like. Wondeful. Although, I've been having a soar throat for a couple days and I just sneezed up something that I suspect to be illegal in atleast one country. I guess I'm sick. Oh well. I have a free day!Mostly. Save for the laundry that needs to be done and the hockey game I'm supposed to monitor tonight, not a care in the world!
It sounds like I'm complainig but I'm really not. I really like my job and I think next semester will be even better when i get to teach.
There is however, this ongoing struggle in me about time. I have a fear that I'm losing it, that there's not enough and when I HAVE to do things there is a whisper of aggrivation. "Life's to short" and all that ya know.

"The Christian finds in human work a small part of the Cross of Christ and accepts it in the same spirit of redemption in which Christ accepted his Cross for us. In work, thanks to the light that penetrates us from the Resurrection of Christ, we always find a glimmer of new life, of the new good, as if it were an announcement of "the new heavens and the new earth"88 in which man and the world participate precisely through the toil that goes with work" JPII Laborem Exercens

Ok, so I see the meaning and the "new life" and when it comes down to it I have to be thankful that I have the ability to work, and now the opportunity to work. But alas, I'm human and i forget the very blessings that give me the voice to curse them. Just two small months ago I was pleading with God for meaningful work and now i have it and I enjoy it. Silly me.

But right now I have a day off and I'm going to enjoy it....

...Waiting

2006-12-07T23:23:00.000-05:00

It's sort of what Advent is about isn't it? So, as the seasons change and my template follows suit I have returned from my long break in blogging. How faithful I'll be now is unclear but I'm here right now.....so lay off! Just kidding, I've missed writing and I've missed all of you (and my fantasy that people actually read this thing). In any case, I have alot to say so.... a short summary of the past month and a half....

1. I got a job!
...which is partly the reason for my absence. Those job thingies take up alot of time and while I'm not entirely sure I like that part I do for the most part enjoy what I do. I am *ahem* the Director of Student Activities at a local high school, which basically means that I'm in charge of clubs and events, prom, service projects, some campus ministry and whatever else nobody else wants to do. Next semester I get to teach as well and that I'm REALLY looking forward to. So far, I wake up early, stay late and lose the good majority of my of my weekends to this job. Good thing I like kiddos....

2. We didn't move...
though we thought about it and seriously considered getting a bigger place. Alas, my dreams for 'space' have been once again put aside and we will concentrate on paying off serious debt so that kiddos of our own can come sooner :)

3. Family...
is very very important to me and most of mine are women who I both love and who drive me crazy. One of those women (my cousin) who is like a sister to me, has moved here to Denver and now lives only 6 blocks away. It's nice to have her around.....ALL the time:)

4. Family problems...
are something that I've never dealt with well, this is no exception. My dad has been diagnosed with a neurological disease that is dibilitating and fatal (in time). We aren't sure how long he's had symptoms or how many years he will be functional. Consequently, the disease is genetic and I now have a 50/50 chance of getting it as well.......have my prayers for a way to sanctity been answered? We will see...

5. Talking...
has become something that I'm doing more of. No, I'm not blabbing to random people. I've been given some good opportunities to share the blessing of an education that I've been given. They aren't necessarily paying gigs but who cares...they're a ball and it keeps me (sort of) fresh on all that I've learned.

6. Marriage...
has only gotten better at the 5 month mark (today) and I think I just might renew my lease for another 5 :)

and....thats about all really. Some sad, mostly good and, i hope, all of God.

Hubby has a retreat to attend this weekend and since I have some school responsibilities tomorrow afternoon and Sunday morning i can't attend. That means I have a weekend (or atleast a Saturday) of quiet time! It's not that I wan't to be away from him, I just need a break from the hustle and bustle (who the heck came up with that phrase?) of life. A day of walks, movies and quiet time alone might be just what the doctor ordered.

But for now....since Hubby has discovered that the 5th season of 24 has come out on DVD, I must retire to my bed with a book to escape this never ending terrorist attack....argh.

How is everyone else? (pssst... this means leave me a note..)

Unknown and happy that way...

2006-10-22T12:21:00.000-04:00

To prefer man to God: A strange and unhappy slavery is that of a man who seeks to please other men. I vow never to do anything nor to leave anything undone because of what people think. This will set up in me a great interior peace.

-- St. Claude de la Colombiere

lets hear it for St. Claude the unknown saint huh? Wow.

Full Circle...

2006-10-22T02:01:00.000-04:00

Remember my post about the email I sent to Rosie concerning the comment she made about the Church and homosexuality? Remember that I said I didn't catch what celebrity they were talking about (he had come 'out')?

Well...

I began watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy today because I've started watching the 3rd season (at the begging of the women in my family who are addicted). Somewhere along the way I decided that I had a "celebrity crush" on the the character George O'Malley- cute, shy, a little akward....my type. Anyway, so I 'google' him and find out that he is none other than the 'outed' celebrity that Rosie and the girls were talking about that day.

Go figure.

Thus ends my celebrity crush.

The Hungry Soul...

2006-09-27T12:16:00.006-04:00

I couldn't sleep last night.

I got up not long after trying to sleep and zombied into the living room to aimlessly search the net. I don't remember how it happend but I ended up on a site for online courses to be a certified personal trainer.

Go ahead, laugh, get it out of your system.

I laughed too. I mean, I'm easily 20 pounds overweight (which is still better than the 45-50 I used to be) and if I had to name my vice it would be overeating. But the truth is, I have a degree in Theology and if wretchedness were body fat I'd be morbidly obese. I guess we don't need to be perfect to help others do we?

So, here's the dream. It didn't just emerge last night though, I've thought about this for a long time. We gravitate toward our own illness don't we? People who survive cancer become motivational speakers to those still suffering. Mothers who've lost children to kidnapping begin foundations in their childs name to protect other children from the same fate. People have a desire to help others with the pain they themselves have experienced and ARE experiencing. What is my pain if not my sin and my lack of self control when it comes to food?

So, what do theology and the body have to do with each other? Everything. What if I were minimally trained in both and anointed by God to bless other people by teaching them the truth of their humanity, their womanhood, their manhood. What if people learned who it is that Christ reveals them to be in the WHOLE of their person? If we could get, or atleast work toward, the fact that our person is not something seperate from our body but that we ARE our body and are more than our body.
I'm not talking about some infomercial gimmick weight loss thing. What if I could be a "PERSONal" trainer, and meet with women like myself and help them find the dignity of their person in their body, mind, and spirit....together. I mean, ultimately it should be that health is just naturally what our life gravitates toward right? We shouldn't have to set aside an hour to 'work out' or a time in our life to 'diet'. I can't imagine Mother Mary stressing about her weight and struggling over that last slice of pita bread. People used to work and live in a way that they naturally burned the calories that they should and the foods they ate were natural and healthy anyway. I think seeking holiness has to include this. Also, it could be a way to educate people on the greater worth of their person...through the teachings of the Church.

Can a saint be overweight? It's a valid question. I think healthy people aren't necessarily on the path to holiness but I think seeking goodness for your whole self has got to be part of it. In some capacity? I don't know, I mean it's not like St. Therese was going out for a 15 mile run everyday, but then again food and activity probably held their proper place in her life.
Ya get me? Like, it's not normal for me to obsess about dieting or workout a million hours a day anymore than it is normal for me to overeat and be lazy. Food is something we should enjoy and mostly be thankful for because of how it nurtures our body but it shouldn't hold a place of priority in our life. It shouldn't be that which comforts me or that which pacifies me or that which owns me. It has been all of those things...and in some ways continues to be.

At about 2:30 a.m I finally decided I needed to go to bed. It took all I had not to wake hubby up to tell him about my new brilliant ideas. I figured that would be cruel since he was sound asleep. After a few minutes of tring to sleep again hubby got up because he decided it was too hot in the room to sleep. He went into the living room to read and I tried AGAIN to sleep. Got up again and read....tried to sleep again.

Finally! I guess around 4 I fell asleep. Ah.

At 4:30 hubby says (waking me cold out of a dead sleep) "Just so you know, there's a program that you can get that can help you to record sound online to input into the composition program on Mac."

Silence....

Are you serious? I've been trying to sleep since 11:30 and I FINALLY fall asleep and you decide this the optimal moment to wake me to tell me about a music recording program? This is a joke right? You're joking?

He wasn't joking.

So what do you think about all this?

what to do...

2006-09-26T22:37:00.000-04:00

So, I hate to harp but short of ranting on Rosie AGAIN I'm afraid the topic at hand is my lack of employment.
I feel guilty now because I know I need to just get a job but I also feel paralized. I guess the little speck of hope in me still doesn't want to take a job that I'll just have to quit in two weeks when I find a REAL job...a job that allows what I've been given to be put to use. The logic there is good but since I haven't found a job in 5 months of searching away and the almost 3 months here I should probably put logic to rest and start serving coffee.

I know Mother Earthie knows what this is like...the waiting. It's so draining.

My ever running, overly analytical mind has gathered some perspective from this pain. I guess it's made me realize the extent that we ARE our bodies. My being has no creative outlet, no place to be fruitful or to give from all that God has given me. It has rendered me sterile and the social-psychological sterility has rendered my body tired, bored, disoriented and without passion or desire.

I'm scared to commit because I'm so committed.

I need to get a job.

*sigh*

any suggestions?

A Rose by any other name...

2006-09-23T12:18:00.000-04:00

There was a story on 20/20 last night about how your name effects how you are perceived by others, even potential employers and spouses.

"There's new research that shows names may even tell us about more than just social background; a name may affect future decisions about marriage and career.

Psychologist Brett Pelham, who has studied hundreds of thousands of names, said they can significantly affect your life, even what profession you enter."

Mr. Pelham, who names his own son Lincoln (go figure), went on to say that statistically speaking, 'you are more likely to be attracted to a person who's first name begins with J and a person who's last name begins with S, especially St.
So I'm thinking, now that my last name doees in fact begin with St I'm already married....what good is that?

Also, why don't I have a job yet?

Double Standard?

2006-09-20T23:25:00.000-04:00

yep, it's another "the view" rant...I just can't seem to get enough of that show these days, or maybe i'm just always getting too much of it.

Rosie decided today that she would catechise the free world on the Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality.

In speaking about some guy who apparently has come out of the closet (I missed the name because I was barely awake and still a little groggy on theraflu) She noted how he had lived his life in denial because he was raised Catholic and you know (paraphrase) 'Catholics...if you're homosexual you go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200.'

So there I was, barely awake 10 minutes and writing an email to Ms. O'Donnell. The gist of it was that I was sure she and i would dissagree about many things but one thing that I think we would agree on wholeheartedly is that to misrepresent a person or a group of people especially when you're speaking as such a high profile individual, is wrong. I think she would be outraged if someone made a false statement about people who struggle with homosexual tendancies and I don't appreciate her taking such liberties with the Church.
I'm sure she won't even see my email but I felt I had to write it. I feel like it's an outrage these days to offend anyone, except Catholics that is , probably all Christians. I'm not the only one either, Jay Leno made a joke in his monologue about it tonight. He said that NBC is monitoring Madonna's new concert that will air on their station because part of her act has her stretched out on a cross wearing a crown of thorns "and the station wanted to make sure she wasn't offending Muslims". He gets it, sort of.

I have blogged about Rosie lately and I do hold fast to the Churches 'real' teaching on homosexual which means that I disagree with her lifestyle. But I don't hate the woman and I wouldnt' slander her name even if anyone ever actually read my blog. So, I would like the same respect from her especially since so many stay at home Catholic mom's are subject to her 'view' everyday.

Maybe you should write an email to her too?

Read this Rosie:

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. [They do not choose their homosexual condition; for most of them it is a trial.] This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.
(CCC 2358-2359)

Does that sounds like a condemnation to hell?

Out of the loop..

2006-09-20T01:42:00.000-04:00

Justin Timberlake says he's bringing Sexy back.

Now granted, I am sick and have been sleeping all day but did I sleep right through the "we're obsessed with sex" age right into an age that is suddenly morally aware and modest? Is sexy not in style anymore? Furthermore, who gave him authority to bring it back?

I once heard a chastity speaker state that "purity is sexy".....hrmm....is that an oxymoron? Am I?

Oh, but maybe....maybe he's bringing purity back?

you're right, probably not.

I'm gonna lay off the Theraflu....

Fascination

2006-09-17T01:40:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I decided to flip through the September Magnificat. Sometimes I skip straight to the ;Day by Day' meditations after the gospel each day as if they were little fortune cookies that I couldn't wait to crack open. One in particular struck me and it happens to be the meditation for tomorrow's gospel. I'll let it speak for itself and then I'm going to bed. I think I'm starting to get sick.

Who do you say that I am?

Unless each one of us is fascinated by Christ, it is impossible for nothingness not to prevail even in us. We have not solved the problem; the drama goes on living in each one of us. The struggle is fought out in our hearts every day, in the personal, mysterious dialogue between the "I" of each of us and the fascination that is Christ. Without the victory of this fascination, we are finished...
We reduce reality to appearances and so we live a relationship with reality that has done away with the Mystery, the "something that is within every something." We can all see how true this is by simply asking ourselves what happened this morning. How many of us, as we looked at reality today, said, "You" to the Mystery that makes reality and that makes the "I" that woke up this morning? Who was moved with gratitude this morning because he is there, because the Mystery is there, because my "I" with all its limitations is already embraced by his presence?...
That is why the Mystery appeared in history; to set before our eyes an attraction strong enough to draw along our "I". Otherwise we are like a drifting mine, and everyone does just what he likes--not out of malice, but becauses we are not the ones to attach ourselves with our own strength; it is only this attraction that brings out a deep liking for Jesus in me. Once you have sensed this, you cannot fail to discover the need for his presence in anything you live ( I Am the One you are missing).

-Father Julian Carron

sweet...

2006-09-16T01:10:00.000-04:00

I knew it would happen eventually...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/5341202.stm?ls

If I don't blog for a while, it's because I'm in Madrid :)

Cheetos on me!

Will work for purpose...

2006-09-16T00:13:00.000-04:00

I have a cowlick.....did I know that? Random.

Anyway, I'm angry with God, just a little, and I'll tell you why.
I have no job, no career no seeming 'purpose' for the incredible education/formation that the Lord himself moved me "literally" to attain. Granted, if I had only gotten the education for the good of myself and possibly hubby (and future spawn) then that would be enough, but is that really the only reason? I feel as if it's not. It was/is/will be such a blessing to me. This education, experience, knowledge, community has changed my world, my person, hopefully my salvation and I have a strong yearning to share it. I mean St. Paul pretty much summed it up in the first reading today; "If I preach the Gospel, this is no reason for me to boast,for an obligation has been imposed on me, and woe to me if I do not preach it!" Woe indeed.
Honestly, moving to Denver was a hard thing for me to accept. i guess I'm ready to be in a place where I'm going to be for a while and, though I do love people wherever I am, I can't imagine being anywhere for the rest of my life unless it's Home. But this is where Hubby is and where he needs to be right now and so it is where home is for now and I believe, where I'm 'supposed' to be. So what does HE want from me?! I've waited, searched and said so many novenas that I think I now walk in groups of 9 steps..and still nothing. Does HE want me to work at Starbucks? Be a nanny? Sell my plasma? It's not that these don't have dignity but I want to 'use' (for lack of a better word) my education. But how do you force the hand of God? You can't and when He remains silent we can do nothing but sit in the silence and let it crack us open. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

And so...anger.

and it grows...

My 'View'

2006-09-14T11:16:00.000-04:00

So I'm up this morning watching 'The View'. It just started 10 minutes ago, 2 commercial breaks and I can already feel my blood boiling. I know, I know, I'm asking for it. What am i doing watching this show anyway? Because I'm both not of this world and consumed by it, a tension, I think which causes suffering. Something i could use from time to time. I know too much comfort and convenience. But i digress. Ever since Rosie has become the new host I have this weird fascination with the show. Granted, I've only watched it 3 times in the two weeks that she's been on but still, it's like a car wreck. I can't look away but it upsets me so much.
I have nothing against Rosie per se. She seems like a really fun and genuine human being. When she had her old show in fact people used to tell me that I reminded them of her, my humor I guess. I think she's a pretty lady and she seems to be kind and to love her children very much. I sort of hurt for her because I know she yearns to flourish as a woman and she keeps hitting a wall. Her desires to flourish come from a good place, pure and very human but the outlet is confused. And then what do you do with something like this? Say that it isn't there? It's too late for that, it's beginning to soak in and now, worse than the whole concept being 'surprising' or shocking....it's just normal. I think thats what upset me the a most the first day I saw her on the show. Her homosexuality and relationship with another woman weren't spoken of as an 'issue' or something that needed to be hashed out but just as her life, which it is. As Meredith would have spoken about her husband and children, doing that thing that a host does, inputting endearing little life moments into the opening monologue, Rosie spoke of her 'life partner' and her children. And they made it look like nobody flinched, and it made me afraid.
Afraid sounds like a strong word for something that seems harmless like a relationship of love. Confused love maybe, but love no doubt. But afraid is exactly what I am precisely BECAUSE it seems harmless. We think we live in a free country but the tanks and bombs that keep us opressed are worse than those across the ocean, they are silent and come in the form of tolerance. I realize that if you are some random person who has stumbled upon my blog that i am coming across as a close minded right-winger a domestic radical if you will. The thing is those people are as messed up as the other side, in some ways more so but thats a totally different post. What I am is someone who wants everyone to stand in the tension of "we love love love people" people who struggle with homosexuality are people with the same unimaginable dignity as anybody else. The Catechism in fact says that these people have an opportunity to attain holiness that we don't necessarily have precisely because of the cross they are asked to carry. The tension lies in the fact that we must say, we love you AND we know you are wrong. We want you to be happy, holy, healthy and the most fully human that you can possibly be AND this outlet of an active homosexual relationship is disordered. Not because I said so, or because the Church has deemed it so but because there is a truth to being human, there are many truths and they are imbedded in our bodies and our history and our biology and our souls and same sex -sexual relationships are not in harmony with our humanity.
So why does it seem so harmless? Because thats the way that harmful disordered realities disguise themselves. Sin and evil is not the obvious opposite of good, most times it looks alot like what is good and true. Why else would it be attractive and confusing and seem so normal. It comes in the disguise of wholeness and twists itself just enough to be broken.
Without words or explanation we could look at our bodies and see how they fit, see how they work (in the norm)...assymetrical reciprocity.....big words for giving and taking differently. There is an order to things within the similarity. Man and women both give and take in a different order. Our bodily organs are not what makes us man or woman, they are a reflection and a participation of that. The difference brings about fruitfulness and 'sameness' in this case, does not.

and now they are amazed and shocked at a guest because she has 3 children and one on the way. I don't have the energy yet to disgust the fear of children......I haven't had my coffee yet.

Letters that won't ever get sent...

2006-09-12T22:23:00.000-04:00

Dear produce guy,

I love you.

I love you for the smile that you so willingly give me at 8 in the morning and I love you for the care with which you stack the peaches. I love you because you say with such pleasant tone, "Good morning! How are you today?" in a world where kind salutations are very few and Oh so far between. On days when it seems that nothing is certain, I know that you will be there with your veggie hose in one hand and your cart stocked with pre-packaged salad by your side. Thank you for your fresh bell peppers and your 2 for 1 organic onions. I am indebted to your unwavering commitment to my fruit and forever grateful for your service to the food industry.

Sincerely,

Girl with the list.

Dear Walker Texas Ranger,

Your hard work and and brave crime fighting skills have provided me with many a Friday night of quality time with my grandfather who has now left us and who I miss very much. Thank you for the gift of an old time western conveniently packaged in the drama of a crime-solving mystery. You truly are one of the last old-fashioned hero's. I hold you in the highest esteem for the work that you do and the lives that you change. As 'somewhat of a' fan there is one question that I've always wanted to ask you; Were you made fun of as a child for having Texas as a middle name?

Your padna,

Girl on the couch

Dear makers of NuVa Ring,

What the hell are you thinking?! As if ANY form of artificial birth-control wasn't bad enough, a pill or shot that effectively (sometimes) alters your bodies state of doing that thing it does, namely, functioning properly, has now become inconvenient! A patch to stop the creation of a child and a soul that will exist for all eternity as if it's a weight problem or an attempt to kick the habit of smoking?! Noooo, still too burdonsome, standing in the way of freedom to be a woman? Poppycock! You are a disgrace to humanity and your propaganda will cause a never ending spiral of humanity into the depths of immorality. You have created a ring to be inserted into a woman's beautiful body once a month that will effectively block out life and fruitfullness and essentially rob a woman of being a mother. I hope you are pleased with your work and your evil dreams don't keep you from a peaceful night's rest.

I remain,

Disgusted.

So, I should probably actually send the last one. Have you seen this commercial? Are you kidding me? I used to throw my shoes at the Ortho Evra patch commercials. I don't have anything big enough to throw at this one. Ugh.

Sappy Post......

2006-09-11T23:34:00.000-04:00

*warning- unusual sappyness and lofty blogging ahead...*

Hubby and I were driving down our street earlier this evening when the sun was almost gone. You know, that time when the houses that otherwise stand still on your street suddenly light up and you can see all the life inside. It's always amazing to me to catch a glimpse into the richness of other people's lives. It's unexpected. It's 'wonder' full. I think of all the complexities that go on in my own home, the decorations that i carefully chose and placed in their spot, the memories that live in pictures and little keepsakes, the laughter that hubby's rediculous antics evoke in me and the not so pleasant moments when I'm happy that our walls aren't glass, and it makes me marvel that the house next door contains it's own memories and happiness and grief. Not to mention a whole world of complexities and life and tragedy in every house on every street around the world. It's beautiful really to think of all of those houses lighting up every evening when the sun goes down. It was an appropriate reflection today as everyone remembers 9/11 --5 years ago. There is no shortage of memorial program on television this evening and each one shows a sea of faces grieving and loving and fearing. Each one their own little house lighting up with life for the rest of us to glimpse into for just a moment. Gosh...it makes me just want to repent for those moments when I darn near hate the garbage men for waking me up at 7.a.m. on Saturday and when I become seriously impatient with the barista because she made me a mocha instead of a white mocha. I want to repent and apologize to each person individually and ask them all 'who' they are and where they came from. But i wont, because we don't do that.... Or do we? I think in moments of unimaginable tragedy, like 9/11 or the death of our own loved ones we are moved to stop and repent and reflect and then to encounter each other with the wonder and intensity that our human dignity deserves. It makes me want to love......which is, I'm sure, God's plan from the beginning. The whole reality that God IS Love - Deus Caritas Est! gains new perspective when I think of all of these dynamic beings of life and memories and experience and action that he has created and even now continues to breathe into existance. He loves each one with the full reality of all of their history and mess and personality, He loves them to the depths of their potential and in spite of their guilt and he is ever amazed at them as if the sun is always down and the lights are always already showing life within. We grow bored of how amazing humans are so quickly and so frequently. Another call to childlikeness....

"Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening. "Do it again" to the moon. it may n ot be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we." Orthodoxy, G.K. Chesterton

Technical Difficulties

2006-09-10T16:27:00.000-04:00

Okay, extreme lack of jobness has bestowed upon "refusal to grasp" a totally new look. Enjoy it...but be patient with me as I work out the kinks!

my tech savvy-ness

2006-09-09T16:32:00.000-04:00

Check out my new slide show thingy on the side bar. Technology both amazes me and scares the heck out of me.

St. Joseph, Bday of BVM and a california roll.

2006-09-08T18:37:00.000-04:00

Currently: Watching the movie "Hoodwinked". - It's almost as bad as Doogal. Almost.

I've watched a lot of movies lately and two entire seasons of 24. I dream of covert missions in my sleep.

Partly this is due to the fact that we don't have cable and only recently got an antenna (we now catch 3 spanish stations and an equal number of televangelist networks. joy.) In all honesty though, a lack of cable shouldn't keep a bibliophile like myself in front of a television for so many hours a day. The real reason for my apathy has been due to the fact that I just cannot find a job. For two months in Louisiana I did nothing but prepare for the wedding everyday and spend time with family (save for a 2 week stretch of substitute teaching). It was a welcomed rest from school and I was so busy addressing envelopes and working out that I never wished once that I had more to occupy my time. When we finally got here it was sorta fun to have all this time to spend together and furnish our little abode and explore the new city. About 3 weeks ago however, I reached my limit.

I don't get depressed often but the feeling of a lack of "purpose" in my life hit me so hard that at first I didn't even realize why I was sad. Thank God he blessed me with the greatest husband in the world who handled me with love, patience and as many Non fat White Mochas as I could handle. Now I'm the first one to wax poetic about how it's not what you 'do' that makes you who you are and that being human is a tremendous purpose in itself. Furthermore, I agree with my professors and JPII himself that 'to be' a woman and a human for me means precisely 'to be' a mother. Hubby and I both agree that God is calling us to remedy our financial problems, at least partially, before we physically become parents (though I have to admit that I think we'd both be happy if the good Lord surprised us early :) but a marriage is fruitful from the first moment right? We bear fruit to each other and to others in lots of ways everyday. I agree. There are some ways however which I personally yearn to give myself to others- namely in sharing with them the blessing I've received in my education and experience. When there is no outlet for such a gift I feel sterile (for lack of a better word) and depression set in.

This week after having 'words' with the Lord and some gentle encouragement from Hubby I decided to stop wallowing in my sadness and get myself straight. I discovered reading again, which I always love. I became a bit obsessed with long pensive walks and I blew the dust off of my little blog page here. I also decided to put some time on my movement. I began a novena, yet again, to the giver of all gifts, through the intercession of the patron of workers (and one of my personal patrons) St. Joseph, to find a job that might allow me to make use of the gift of my education in the service of others. The novena ends on Monday. If no such job should present itself then on Tuesday i will look for other employment...Starbucks, or a nanny job, something I can do until...

Consequently, a very small possibility presented itself today. I actually nothing to report about it just yet but until I know more please please keep me in your prayers.

On a lighter note, today is the Birthday of our Holy Mamma.....Mary! I order everyone reading this...all 2 of you...to go out and celebrate this joyous occasion. Have some cake and sing a little ditty of "happy birthday to you", even if it's just to yourself before you go to sleep. She is the morning star and the cause of our joy....not to mention that she embodies all that we are to be as creatures, women and mothers!

Lets go eat some sushi!

Marriage 101: One of these things is not like the other

2006-09-07T13:15:00.000-04:00

Three months ago I blogged about my bridal shower - simultaneous with the funeral of my grandmother. A week later Hubby's family threw me another bridal shower and the very next day his grandmother passed away. He says she was waiting for him to come home, and that she did.
I've realized in these past few months of funerals and letting go that I have this odd ability to be both truly present in grief and also standing outside of myself in analysis. This particular week of wedding prep and death called for even more reflection than even my silly soul usually grants. It's as if people felt especially compassionate to the two of us, probably because it was "supposed" to be a time of happiness for us. Not that I should have but I never felt cheated out of the happiness of the season. As kitsch as it sounds it really was a time when the 'circle of life' revealed itself with special clarity. Life and death, endings and new beginnings....they really are one thing aren't they? These losses coupled with our joyous event also brought about some interesting character development of those around us. My father, who was indeed a "mamma's boy", handled the death of his 94 year old mother without much emotion at all. Lack of emotion is pretty typical for my dad, though I guess I expected this to be a breaking point. I was the only one with him when he got the phone call that she had finally passed away and God blessed me with being able to share that beautifully intimate moment with him when he did crack, just a little. Mom-in-law was sad when her own mother passed away, but it was amazing how her transformation from her own suffering to freedom was actually visible. The confidence that her childlike faith gave her told her that her mother was now in a better place and hurting no longer. That realization released a cross from her shoulders that actually made her stand a little taller in the following weeks of our wedding. Dad-in-law usually distant and work oriented rose to the occasion of his wife's grief with exceptional kindness and attentiveness. Not only that but the joy of his oldest son's wedding moved him to give us the greatest gift we could have imagined ( though a house would have been nice) ; the gift of his own return to God. He returned to both the Sacrament of Confession and the Eucharist after 20 years or so of silence. Mom in law happily reports that he has been to Mass every Sunday since.
Hubby and I decided we wanted to bring in our nuptials with a novena to the Holy Spirit. We used the simple prayer 'Veni Sancti Spiritus' along with our own praises and petitions to the Holy Spirit. The novena ended on the 9th day, July 7th at 7p.m as I walked down the aisle and earthie's beautiful beautiful voice filled the Church with the same prayer..."Veni Sancti Spiritus....Come Holy Spirit!" And though I usually get nervous for anything that puts me at the center of attention, the Holy Spirit filled me with so much peace that I walked down the aisle without one irrational nerve to get in my way and just the beautiful smile of my groom inviting me to the altar. When I finally made it to him and my dad placed my hand and his together he whispered in my ear the song of Adam, "Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh...". Nice huh? Best of all, my dad didn't rip the veil off of my head as he pulled it away from my face! As you can imagine, the rest of the wedding followed suit and the reception was, if I may say so with humility, the best damn party I've ever been to in my life!

Fast forward honeymoon, drive to Denver, moving in to our 450 sq foot villa and getting acquainted with the city in one grey Corolla....and that brings me here to my grey couch watching roses bloom through the living room window and listening to hubby play classical music on his guitar in our bedroom some 5 feet away. Thus ends the sappy portion of the blog.

Reality.

The most profound reality of marriage that I've experienced so far is this....

that He and I are different.

Shocking, I know but it's true. This person, who I have given my life to in Jesus Christ, and who I might add has been my best friend for some 8 years, does many many things in ways that i do not do those same things. Those of you not yet married may be thinking that having studied at the John Paul II Institute for marriage and family might have brought this reality to my attention sooner but I say to you, judge not. Those of you married, i suspect, know exactly what I'm talking about. Sure, we've known each other for the better part of a decade now but being a respectable Catholic couple we have never shared the same space in the way that we do now. One of my favorite classes at the Institute was entitled 'Space, Time and Gender' and I tell you it makes more sense to me everyday. The fecundity of a marriage is brought about precisely because of difference, most obviously in gender but daily and in much more subtle ways through the collaboration of time and the sharing of space. Everybody knows we are different in gender, it's obvious, but the speed in which I do daily activities and the way I Inhabit my personal space? Different, totally and utterly different. The beauty is now how we figure out how to share these things and allow them to penetrate each others reality...then there is fruit. We're still figuring that whole thing out. Case and point:

*standing in our 4X4 kitchen putting away leftovers*
Hubby: "Is that how you've always closed a zip lock bag?"
Me: "Uh....yeah, why?
Hubby: "Oh, no reason, I guess, it's just not the way I do it."
Me: "Uh.....ok"
Hubby: "I mean, you don't squeeze all the air out of it first to retain the freshness?"
Me: "Are you serious?"
Hubby: "It's not a big deal....sorry"
Me: "it's ok"
Hubby: "It's just not the way I've always done it, thats all"

And the zip lock bag was only the beginning, soon to be followed by other episodes entitled; "Is that how you park a car?" "Is that how you fold a bath towel?" and my personal favorite "Is that how you order food at Chik-fil-A?"
Sometimes it's me asking the question, sometimes it's him, but its always a little frustrating, this beautiful realization of the complete 'otherness' of my spouse.

It really is all about space, time and gender.

Anyway, I've blabbed long enough. Tomorrow I'll bore you with the trials of not being able to find relevant employment. Pray for the Lord to have mercy on my soul. :)

Until then, more pictures!

2006-09-04T21:42:00.000-04:00

I'm tempted to try and write a blog that catches my theoretical "readers" up on what's been going on in my life but aside from the painful truth that I probably no longer have any readers (except good mother earthie who is caught up anyway) I'm afraid I might not get to writing anything else and that will kill the sudden impulse that I have to do so.

So here I am in a groovy artsy local coffee shop in my neighborhood in Denver sitting next to a group of guys who on the surface seem to be social outcasts but as I listen and learn more seem like complete weirdos. I mean weirdo in a good way of course, they march to their own beat, color outside the lines....you know the drill. And they read poetry, currently racking their brains to interpret what the author could have possibly meant in the third stanza by "the tree". On the couch across from me is a very trendy young couple taking a break to fawn upon each other before she dives back into her novel and he goes back to his, no doubt riveting, book entitled "Anesthesia and co-existing disease". I'm glad somebody studies this stuff. The coffee table in the center of the room has everybody's favorite page turner, "Women and the crisis in sex hormones" and as I rip my eyes away from it and glance into the adjoining room I see an overly giddy lesbian couple pretending to have their noses buried in a book. Yep....this aint Starbucks.

Hubby and I have been talking a lot lately about liturgy and what exactly a renewal...resourcement...resuscitation? of music in liturgy might look like...ok..SOUND like. I think one of his favorite images concerning the liturgy is from our beloved Pappa Bene in his book "The Spirit of Liturgy". He likens our participation in the Mass to that of children playing. As children play teacher or house or fireman so too do we "play" heaven in the Sacred Liturgy. This is a beautiful image and it's caused some serious reflection on my part lately. When we speak of it I instantly want to speak of where the analogy falls short (as if I have a critique of Ratzinger) how our "playing" heaven in the Mass is not simply pretending but a real participation in the marriage supper of the Lamb. But as I let it set a little deeper I'm not so quick to dissect the image. There is something very real present when a child pretends. I can recall as a kid having imaginary friends. I can recall hours of playing with them and hours of playing house with my friends in the schoolyard. But I can't recall us all sitting down to check on each others mental clarity of the situation. "Susie, you do realize that we are just imagining hypothetical situations and that there is no tea in those cups?" * note: as I type this a family with two children walk in and almost instantly begin to play "dogs"...priceless*
Sure, I guess if you asked most well adjusted children what 'pretending' means they'll probably say something about it being 'not real' but there is a level to their playing that invites reality despite what they, or their parents say. We embody that same reality (to its fullest) when we participate in the 'work' of liturgy.

I'm just gonna sit with that and reflect as the barking gets louder.

For those of you who used to read this blog and stumble upon it now in the desperate hopes that there may be a new post. I will leave you with a picture of our wedding. Consider it a preview to a later blog.

Congratulations!...I'm so sorry...

2006-06-04T23:33:00.000-04:00

I didn't really want a wedding shower at all, but when all is said and done I will have had three.
This past weekend was the 'big' shower that my mom, all her friends and all the women in my family were throwing me. NB: My family consists of mostly women, all loud, fast talking strong willed women who I love very much. My mother also works with women of the same type. I had 17 hosteses in all, all of them with a specific job, all of them ruling the roost.
Simultaneous with the last of the planning for this shower, my 94 year old grandmother was put in the hospital to try and build her strength. She had been losing alot of weight in the nursing home and becoming more and more distant to us. Two days after being put in the hospital the doctor informed us that she had about 4 days to live. For 8 days my dad and his sisters sat at her bedsite and watched her deteriorate and we, her grand, great grand and great great grand children came in and out to pay our last respects. It was an emotional week I have to say. I'm the caboose when it comes to grandchildren so I got spoiled alot and as a result grew pretty close to her. She was fiesty and full of life for about 93 of her 94 years...even with alzheimers in the nursing home but she had been suffering for a while and we all knew she would be happier when the suffering was over. So as usual, with the pain was joy...in more than one way.
She passed away on Thursday evening at about 7 oclock, my second loss of a grandparent in 4 months. The funeral was planned for Saturday at 10 a.m the same time exactly as my shower. I thought for sure that my shower would be cancelled or moved or postponed since it was to be held at my dad's sister's house and this was her mother we were talking about here. They would hear nothing of the sort. They told me 'Mom' (my grandmother) would want me to be at the shower and they wouldn't hear of me skipping it or it being cancelled. I'm sure they thought they were taking a great weight off of my back, but I only felt a greater one there and I cried. I wanted to be at the funeral Mass, to say goodbye in the grace of the sacraments, as she would have wanted it. So Friday I spent the day at the funeral home paying my last respects and on Saturday I rebelled and went to the Mass anyway.
For almost an hour of my two hour shower all the women in the world (including my grandmother who had now managed to be where she would not have been before) laughed and talked and drank bellini punch without the bride-to-be in their company, some may not have even noticed that I wasn't there. When I did arrive we had a wonderful time, bitter sweet as it was. I felt loved and overjoyed and sorrowful and it was the most memorable shower that I think I'll ever have.

Ring around the Rosary

2006-05-31T18:43:00.000-04:00

Well I saw them yesterday. Here's what they look like.

What thinks you?

Not much to say...

2006-05-28T22:14:00.000-04:00

I don't have much to say tonight...odd for me..I know. Never- the- less, I blog, because I fear that I've already lost my 2 faithful readers in my absence and if I'm gong to begin building trust again I've got to have some consistancy here right?

In the hopes of coaxing my reader(s) back..an excellent video, well worth the watch......

http://www.youtube.com/v/dMH0bHeiRNg

P.S. Do any of you people watch Lost? Please explain the season finale to my poor wretched soul...

I was born in a small town.....guitar strum

2006-05-26T23:36:00.000-04:00

There are some things about living in a very small town that you really can't appreciate until you move away and return. For two weeks now I've been struggling to adapt to a place that I spent 18 years of my 26 year existence. It's been more than hard, to say the least, but today I had a moment that felt like home and I liked it. My mother and I decided to go out and get some food so that we wouldn't begin addressing 100+ envelopes on an empty stomach tonight. As we sat in this little hometown restaurant I watched as people drove up into the parking lot. Suddenly, for no real reason at all, I felt really connected to all of them. It's easy to feel connected here because you can't go anywhere without knowing somebody. I spend alot of time smiling and giving people answers to questions they already know the answers to and then ever so politely whispering to my mom "who was that? " as we walk away. Everyone I see asks me when the wedding is (even though they already know) and wishes me congratulations on my graduation. Did I like living in Washington? Will I take up skiing in Denver? Am I getting jitters? Same questions everyday by the same people who watched me grow up all of my life. There is something extremely aggrivating about that and in the same shallow breath something very right and very beautiful. I'm not saying I'm ready to move in to a quaint brick house across the street from my parents but I think age and distance have enabled me to appreciate something I rarely did growing up.

That being said, my substitute teaching experience in this small town has been both enriching and agonizing. I really do love kids, particularly teenagers, but it has more than saddened me to see how completely wrapped up these kids are in a culture that we should be giving our all to counteract. And yet, in the midst of suffering my call to be a teacher remains. Even while wishing that smacking a child were still allowed I find myself loving them with all I have. It's funny, they sit in the same classrooms and roam the same halls that I did some 9 years ago but they are totally different than we were. 9 years is all it takes...probably less. *sigh*

I'm also being thrown back into the memory of my last visit here for my grandfather's funeral in february. My grandmother (on the other side) after a few years in the nursing home-- 94 years of an abundantly blessed life, is now in the hospital taking her last breaths. The doctors give her another day or two. I did get to see her today and it made me feel better to kiss her and tell her I love her and pray with her....but it does remind me, yet again, of how utterly wrong death is.

Wedding plans are going well though my mom is driving me near insanity with them. Aparently we still have more preparations left to do than humans are capable of and we should be losing sleep over it. She is anyway.....I'm procrastinating that too.

I hope I haven't lost my two faithful readers in my long stay away. Until today my parent's didnt really have a decent computer in the house and something only resembling the internet called "dial up". hah. So here I am, back in business.
Drop me a line and let me know you're happy about it:)

Old new place

2006-05-15T22:55:00.000-04:00

Well I'm back here in Louisiana, where I think time really does move slower. A slower forgotten, but very familiar, way of life. It's home, but it's not. It's where I am.
It's good to be here, it really is. People are the same and life takes its time here. It isn't a hassle to go to the store and you can feel free to leave your purse in the pew when you go up to communion. That being said, I'm still adjusting. Alot has happend; I've graduated, I've moved and tomorrow I start a two week streak of substitute teaching at my old high school. In 53 days from now I'll be getting married and then I'll be gone again to a new home in a state I don't know but will learn just in time to probably move again. I'm not complaining I'm just tired at the moment. I've had so many thoughts in the past week that I wanted to store in my memory to write here but those will have to wait until I'm not exhausted.

Ciao!

done.....?

2006-05-03T16:05:00.000-04:00

Well, I've officially vacuumed the entirety of my room. I moved the bed and the desk and all my boxes and everything. I haven't seen this much carpet since the day I moved in. Awesome. I hope Miss Erin (the future inhabitant of this room) appreciates the effort. I would have done it for anybody but because I know and love her it meant more...(a' la Schindler). Anyway I'm not sure what else I can do.

I guess that means I have to study.

Wait....earthie's makin' cookies!

It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife

2006-05-03T10:30:00.000-04:00

Things are coming along swimmingly but my allergies are not liking all the dust I'm finding. I'm suddenly remembering why I've been such a pack rat my whole life. When you find old things , even when they're things you never ever see or use, they bring back memories and you want to put them in a box (literally) and keep them forever. I don't so much feel that anymore. Throwing things that are useless (in the material sense) away feels good and I'm all about it today.
This morning I was a little aggitated that there were no spoons in the kitchen. I just found 7 in my room :)

I'm about to go off and do some out of the house errands but the room is shaping up nicely. I'll keep you posted-- because I know you're on the edge of your seat waiting to hear about how clean my room is!

In the mean time I need to post these songs here because I'm afraid the card they are written on may get thrown in all this mess. These are some songs I want to be played at the reception:

Brand New Day - Van Morrison (ok so I wouldn't have forgotten this one...it's our song!)
Forever & Ever Amen - Randy Travis (but a remake by HTB so I can dance with my daddy)
Forever my friend - Ray Lamontagne
Always the Same, Always the Best- Robinella and the CC Stringband
Chain of Love - Anne Murray (you know, thats the 'even though we aint got money - song)
In the arms of a woman - Amos Lee
God bless the broken road- Rascal Flatts
Dreams to remember- (anybody know who this one is by?)

A new home for the "homeless"

2006-05-03T08:09:00.000-04:00

Well I've pretty much arrived. I've been wishing for a long time for today to be here- to be done (for the most part) with my finals and finally packing up all of the stuff that I've aquired in my two years here, awaiting the arrival of HTB. He gets here tomorrow and technically I have my last final tomorrow so today I have to take care of all of the "loose ends" that can't be taken care of when my guests (HTB, mom and nanny) get here.
So my eyes were wide open at 7 am with no hope of getting anymore sleep. It's aproximately 8:11 now and I haven't really 'done' anything yet, but I've thought alot about it. If I could stop sneezing for 5 minutes maybe I'll actually pack more than a picture frame and a couple of books.
I'm happy that it's time to go not because I can't stand being here anymore (because I will miss this place alot actually) but because I don't do so well with transition. I don't like it. I like to have a home, to be able to be. So for two months I go 'home' or the place I called home for 18 years of my life but it's not a home where I can be, now. Then I go off to a new home that isn't yet home. Transition.
Good news is that we actually have a place to call home! Our little newly wed abode. How cute is that?!
More to come as the day goes on...

the final Finals

2006-05-01T11:16:00.000-04:00

Well this is it...

I'm in my last stretch of panic studies before the last finals of my college career (atleast for now). Wow...it's a little hard to believe. But, it hasn't thrown me from my strong and steady path of procrastinating as much as I can so as to avoid the actual studying. So..I've just dropped by to tell you hello and to ask for your prayers and of course to wish you a very happy feast day!

St. Joseph the Worker....pray for us!

to be continued...

Hubby-to-be week...

2006-04-27T10:12:00.000-04:00

I know...I'm a woman obsessed. So don't read... (you love me you know it)

Anyway, I was just sitting here thinking (among other things) that a week from today I get to see HTB! Last night I was reflecting with earthie and grass about how weird it is to lay eyes on someone who you haven't seen in 4 months. When I drove up in his driveway for Christmas break (the last time we saw each other) it was so weird to actually be able to look at each other that we just couldn't for a few minutes. It was like looking into the sun. So we just hugged until the weirdness went away. I talk to him on the phone about a hundred times a day and I see his picture everytime I walk into my room....but it's different to have someone actually in your presence, especially someone you are so close to. Sometimes I see someone pass in a crowd. For a fleeting moment I think it's him and my heart falls to my toes. It's over dramatized because of the distance...and personally I think it's pretty cool.

I also miss him singing to me. But when I beg, he sends me recordings of himself. enjoy.

Who wouldn't love those dimples?

2006-04-25T13:39:00.000-04:00

I suspect that there will be yet another post today. I'm in a writing mood I suppose. Maybe it's because there is no law paper to write today and thats usually what I'm doing on Tuesday afternoons at this time....waiting until the last minute.

So I was just looking at the picture I put in the last post and I noticed two things;

1.) the only two pictures that I've posted of us have been kissing pictures (does this give me away?)
2.) sometimes I forget (and by forget I mean temporarily am unaware) of how much I love this man.
..........seriously, I don't think I talk about this alot out loud mostly because of my own pride and the remnants of that stubbornly independant woman who still lives in me somewhere, (Ok who am I kidding she's not so little and she daily makes her presence well known) but I really really love him, alot. Really.

The funny thing is he drives me crazy. He's not like me at all in alot of ways and he doesn't want the things I want sometimes. He's impractical when I want stability and he's stubbornly rational when I want to fly by the seat of my pants. He listens, but he won't take orders. He's attentive but he's not the best at paying attention to detail. In fact there was actually one point in our conversation last night when I actually contemplated poking my own eyeballs out of my head because he was driving me to near insanity.

Still...he's one of the kindest men I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I'm pretty sure there have been moments where I've merited a good lashing and he's never so much as raised his voice to me. He is utterly and completely devoted to being on his face before God because he is totally aware of his brokeness. Come to think of it, he's pretty aware of my brokeness too and he loves me not in spite of it but right smack in the middle of it. He knows my heart and my mind and wants nothing more than to know what I would look like as a Saint. So I'm finding, the more present I know the Holy Spirit to be with us, the more I love him in our moments of disagreement. And it doesnt hurt that he makes me laugh....

promises and smooches...

2006-04-25T09:00:00.000-04:00

I know, I've been slacking. Its not like I'm all swamped with school work either (even though I probably should be with finals next week and all). In any case, I promise to post something of substance later today. For now I must go to class. But for your viewing pleasure, here's an old picture I dug up last night of last year's JPII ball. For those of you planning to attend this year...see what fun awaits you!? (kissing not guaranteed)

On a side (but not so side) note...only 9 more days till I see hubby to be again! (It's been 4 months)

Missing Lent...

2006-04-18T12:17:00.000-04:00

Is anyone else a little sad that Lent is over?

I know, I'm a freak. Don't get me wrong it's not that I'm not completely beside myself in Easter joy. Alleluia!!! It's just that I always seem to work better with rules and obligations. In another life, and another body, I probably would have done well in the Army...but alas, I hate guns and as those of you who know me in real life know that I only run if I'm being chased.
Sunday morning, when I opened my eyes I thought, "My Lord, you have risen today! you restore innocense today! you set captives free today!" Followed shortly by...."oh no, Lent is over...I'm going to become the slothful, selfish individual I've always been all over again."

I'm a card carrying Wretch (thats right with a capital W) thats no secret, but as any truly wretched Wretch knows, I'd be something much worse if not for the precepts of the Lord. I know, you're saying "duh Amy...those precepts aren't just for Lent" but there is a special kind of suffering in Lent.
I was thinking about liturgical time this morning, how we understand it to be in a sense standing outside of time and in a sense it's own time all together. We fast and abstain on good friday in honor of the passion and death of our Lord when in fact He has already risen. So awesome, don't you just love the Church? It's something I want to reflect on more. At the vigil Mass, as the priests were processing back down the aisle at the end, everyone was singing at the top of their lungs "Jesus Christ is Risen today!!!!" you could feel the joy of the resurrection all around and in the midst of it all I was struck by the sight of the crucifix coming down the aisle. I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

My new blog friend Penni recently expressed that she's having some questions and doubts about her Catholic faith. It happens to all of us at times but its moments like that procession that secure my own weak faith. What I mean is, it's possible that all of this liturgy and the Church as a whole could be one big crock. It could all be just alot of pomp and circumstance and bells and whistles save for one thing; the cross. It makes no sense that we should praise a king who hangs on a such a sign of contradiction and because of that, it makes all the sense in the world.

So, in the same way that the cross is triumphant and still tragic in the midst of the resurrection, I suppose the cross and therefore Lent has got to stay with us even in the joy of Easter.

Or maybe I'm just crazy?

Jesus Christ is Risen Today!!!!!

2006-04-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

Rejoice, heavenly powers!
Sing, choirs of angels!
Exult, all creation around God's throne!
Jesus Christ, our King, is risen!
Sound the trumpet of salvation!
Rejoice, O earth, in shining splendor,
radiant in the brightness of your King!
Christ has conquered!
Glory fills you!
Darkness vanishes for ever!
Rejoice, O Mother Church!
Exult in glory!
The risen Savior shines upon you!
Let this place resound with joy,
echoing the mighty song of all God's people!

I heart Priests

2006-04-13T20:18:00.000-04:00

Lately, every Mass I attend, everytime I receive the Eucharist, everytime I sin (which is often) and because of that sin go crawling to the Sacrament of Confession...I am overcome with gratitute for these priests of God.
Unfortunately I haven't always been thise aware of what a blessing the priesthood is to us. Usually I just go about my merry way and even throw in a criticism here or there. I'm not saying some things that priest do shouldn't be criticized but thats another blog for another place.
Dr. S defined Sacraments in class the other day as 'God's presence in history', "No Sacraments, no God in history." and my mind took the next step... no priests, no sacraments, no God in history. They are the conduits of grace in our lives and everyday we stand before Christ; both the priest in persona Christi and the Most Blessed Sacrament of the Eucharist because these men gave all for love.
Lots of priests, good priests even, lose heart and their vocations suffer because of that. It's got to be hard, especially as a diocesan priest. There is something resembling a community in your brother priests and you have the families that invite you over once in a while and the little old ladies that swoon over you after Mass, but aside from that when everyone else is home it must be so lonely. God is smacking me over the head with the realization that I need to be praying for priests in a very real way everyday. I need to be praying that the Lord overwhelms these men with love for their vocation, with love for the Church everyday! I need to be praying that God helps them to fall in love all over again with their total bodily sacrifice.
I think part of this sudden love is because of a good friend of hubby to be and mine who is a priest. We'll call him Fr. Fire. I say Fire because he has a fire in him like I've never seen. He is so young, so reverent, so good and he wants nothing more than to set aflame the hearts of those who he encounters, even if it means standing in opposition to what they think at the moment. I love Fr. Fire in a special way because of the love and support he provides for us specifically and because of the love I know he has for his vocation. I hope he will be around hubby and I often and be a regular part of our children's lives (God willing). So, in his name I pray for all priests, that they might find that communio of love in their parishioners and most ultimately in Christ Jesus.

Particularly in the context of the new evangelization, the people have a right to turn to priests in the hope of "seeing'' Christ in them (cf. Jn 12:21). The young feel the need for this especially; Christ continues to call them, to make them his friends and to challenge some to give themselves completely for the sake of the Kingdom. Vocations will certainly not be lacking if our manner of life is truly priestly, if we become more holy, more joyful, more impassioned in the exercise of our ministry. A priest "won'' by Christ (cf. Phil 3:12) more easily "wins" others, so that they too decide to set out on the same adventure. John Paul II Letter to Priests on Holy Thursday 2005

Triduum has begun: The office of Shadows...

2006-04-12T23:00:00.000-04:00

My favorite moment from the Tenebrae service I went to tonight at the Dominican House of Studies in D.C. :

In the darkness a great noise, symbolizing the convulsion of nature at the Crucifixion, is heard.

Job in Denver

2006-04-09T11:57:00.000-04:00

It's Sunday morning and I'm sitting at my computer desperately (ok maybe not desperately..lets say longingly) searching the parish websites of the Archdiocese of Denver in the hopes that I will run across one saying:

Perfect Young Adult Ministry Position Available:
Lead young single, married and religious deeper into their faith!
Pay: plenty enough for you and hubby-to-be to survive
excellent benefits
start: Mid July!
Graduate degree in Theology needed, John Paul II Institute preferred.

or something to that effect...

I'm not really having much luck. Why don't parishes think it's necessary to have ministries for their young adults? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

Does anybody have a job for me?

A loving environment?

2006-04-07T23:54:00.000-04:00

My roommate and I were in the grocery store earlier this week when she saw a tabloid magazine from atleast 10 feet away and exclaimed "Is Katie Holmes really going to have a silent birth?!" Not having the slightest clue what she was talking about, I looked it up. Hrm, go figure, the First National Church of L. Ron Hubbard has another wacky doctrine;

The "TomKat" baby may be the most hotly anticipated celebrity birth of the season, but it is expected to be delivered in line with the little understood Scientology method of quiet or silent birth.
Cruise, 43, is one of the best known adherents of the Church of Scientology founded by L Ron Hubbard, who believed that the best possible start in life for a new baby is a calm and loving environment free of screaming obscenities, chatty doctors or shouts to "push".

How about an environment of two loving parents who are actually married, huh Tom? I mean do we have more serious things in a newborn "environment" to worry about than the presence of suffering? I'm gonna go with yes. Whats so bad about a child coming into the world knowing about suffering? We spend far too much time avoiding necessary and BEAUTIFUL suffering like childbirth anyway, in my opinion.

Why don't we put the screaming aside for a minute and start worrying about the babies who come into the world in a petri dish?

The greatest storyteller I've ever known...

2006-04-06T23:35:00.000-04:00

Two months ago my grandfather passed away.

Two months already, wow. We sort of knew it was coming but I'm not sure that you can ever really be prepared for the death of a loved one can you? I've never lost anyone that close to me before and I have to say, thinking back on it all seems like it was a dream now. Even in the midst of the pain I was really moved by the beauty of it all. The closeness of my family, the way that we all truly grieved, together, on our own...all for him. I don't know if it's rare that grandchildren and great-grandchildren are so close to their grandfather but I like to believe that we are a special case. Watching my little cousins, the teenagers and the little ones alike truly mourn the loss of a wise old man who was and will always be the foundation of our family, was moving.
Coincidentally, I started writing a story about him a week before he died. I wrote one line and I havent touched it since;

"The greatest storyteller I've ever known was born in 1922."

Where do you go from there? How could I capture the life of this man; world war II vet, sheriff's deputy, farmer, meat inspector, musician, father and loving husband of 64 years? I tried to think of his best story but I couldn't. On the plane ride home to his funeral I tried again, through my tears, and again nothing.
I heard lots of stories that week, some I had never heard before and some that I've heard more times than I can count and we relived all that we knew of him through laughter and tears. At the wake and the funeral some 400+ visitors paid their respects. I kept waiting for the flow of people to taper off but it never did. How does an 84 year old man know so many people? They too shared stories with us of how he touched their lives or lightened their burden in some way. These people who we, his 8 grandchildren and 10 great grandchildren didn't know from a hole in the wall, knew every single one of us. "You're the one getting married aren't you?" "How is life in old DC these days?" " What are you going to do with a degree in Theology?""You've got his smile you know." And then it hit me.

We are his greatest story.

He loved more than anything else to talk about his children and grandchildren and he did so with love and pride in his voice. We can relive his life in our memories and his stories but more than anything in our blood, in our spirit as a family and in our connection with him in the body of Christ as our father. Our lives, our whole history and our whole future is the story of his life of love and fruitfulness.
I keep a picture of him next to my computer that was taken not long before he died. He's sitting in his rocking chair playing his accordian with a look on his face like he's about to tell a good one.
I miss him so much. Being so far from home detaches me from the grief somewhat but the moments when I think of him sting and the moments when I think of going home this summer remind me that he wont be sitting in his rocking chair when I drive down our street.
I wanted so badly to have that one story that contained all of him so that I could have him with me always. But you know what?

I have his smile.

Van Morrison must go to confession....

2006-04-06T00:17:00.000-04:00

This is the song hubby to be and I will be dancing to at our wedding.........its our song.

Brand New Day - Van Morrison

When all the dark clouds roll away
And the sun begins to shine
I see my freedom from across the way
And it comes right in on time
Well it shines so bright
and it gives so much light
And it comes from the sky above
Makes me feel so free
makes me feel like me
And lights my life with love

Chorus:
And it seems like
and it feels like
And it seems like
yes it feels like
A brand new day, yeah
A brand new day

ohI was lost
and double crossed
With my hands behind my back
I was longtime hurt
and thrown in the dirt
Shoved out on the railroad track
I’ve been used,
abused and so confused
And I had nowhere to run
But I stood and looked
And my eyes got hooked
On that beautiful morning sun

Chorus

And the sun shines down
all on the ground
Yeah and the grass is oh so green
And my heart is still
and I’ve got the will
And I don’t really feel so mean
Here it comes,
here it comes
here it comes right now
And it comes right in on time
Well it eases me
and it pleases me
And it satisfies my mind

If Dr. Ruth met Pope John Paul II...

2006-04-04T16:44:00.000-04:00

"An orgasm is just a reflex like a sneeze." Ruth Westheimer

"The subjective happiness which they (the couple) then share (in mutual orgasm) has the clear characteristic of the enjoyment which we have called 'frui', of the joy which flows between one's own actions and the objective order of nature" Karol Wojtyla

vulnerable memories

2006-04-02T22:58:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling a little nostalgic tonight. I was looking for a quote earlier in an old journal and I started to read some of my entries. That's always good for a laugh right? Anyway, I've never been much of a poet. I guess I never quite understood how it was supposed to happen. Fiction seems kind of obvious to me. Ok, so I've only ever wrote one story that anyone else has ever read,(she shameless plug here) but thats beside the point. All this to say that I ran across this poem/reflection that I wrote one day over 3 years ago. It's so funny to see how I thought then. It's even funnier to see that I'm not such the different person that I think I am. I'm still the same me, only made new a few hundred times over again, and still wretched....we can't forget that. So anyway, for nostaligia's sake and for my own humility, here it is;

In the beginning was pure love's desire…to be loved and to love. A thought, a dream, a plan, and an understanding that freedom was required, for true love is a paradox: freedom choosing to bind itself.
In one eternal self-giving action the potential for true love was spun into being. The co-existence of order and novelty in its completion; Beauty in His image and likeness.
And so it was…and it was good.
But this princess soon turned her head from her King and caught a glimpse of the harlot within. It was in this image that she veiled herself, quickly forgetting her lover and His song. …yet he continued to sing with a broken heart, pure and alluring. He pursued her allowing her a life that is free, unbridled, provocative and beautiful. He leads her to the desert and allures her to himself and if she is quiet she will hear Him and come running back and His heart will again be made glad. She soon forgets however and goes running off again. So, to truly exhaust His inexhaustible love, He goes to her instead of simply calling her from afar. He casts off his kingly attire for rags and dust and seeks her in her own place and gives himself to her in love. In “courtship” He gives an invitation, never forcing, never wavering, waiting..."waiting is never disinterested passivity, but the highest form of interest in the other" (Jurgen Moltmann) It is hers to take or leave. If she accepts however and gives in to his pursuit of love she will no doubt be taken in, overcome. She will finally learn to sit in peace and listen to the words he speaks to her heart. There she will come to know His mind and His heart. She will feel His love for her and through sacrifice she will reside in joy and freedom. It is her choice... And if in the end He sees that she has truly chosen to love Him with all of her being. If both the harlot and the princess within have been spent in devotion, He will ask for her hand. He will ask her to join Him eternally as His bride. The heavenly banquet will be joy beyond understanding and there she will become one with Him and be caught up into the heavens.

You can cut the drama with a knife:)

strolling, gum and NO comments

2006-03-31T16:37:00.000-05:00

It's Friday so I'm gonna give my usual lengthy, heavy-weighted posts a breather, and just throw a couple random thoughts at ya.

1. GUM
a. why is it that the new packs of gum (you know the one's in the slide out square little packs) have packaging inside that crinkles when you push the gum out? Is it special material to keep the gum fresh? If so, why don't the traditional packs (where the gum is wrapped in paper) have it? Or is it so that the pack will make a distinct noise and train our ears (pavlov's dog) to the sound of a pack of gum being opened so that we'll want more and buy more?
b. why is it that when I chew minty flavored gum drinking cold water is unbearably cold? (I know some genius science person knows the answer to that one)

2. STROLLING
As I was walking back home from Mass this morning I found myself on the sidewalk behind an elderly lady. She was walking particularly slow and I didnt want to be rude and pass her up so I slowed down myself. Then I noticed that she wasn't walking slow because she was unable to walk faster. She was strolling. Taking in the air, the flowers, the beautiful weather.
I never stroll. I'm always in a hurry, even if there's not much need to be. So I decided to make a conscious effort to stroll today. I did pretty well but I had to keep reminding myself because, like I said, it just doesn't come naturally to me. I noticed lots of things that I don't usually notice by strolling. I noticed that there is a peculiar tree outside the student center that bends so much that it requires chains to hold it up. The leaves are beautiful and they cascade over the side like curtains but the little tree can't hold the weight. Very Sad, the chains, not the tree.
I noticed that when the weather is nice, everyone looks happier. And most of all I noticed (as the old lady probably already knew) that strolling is contagious.

3. NO Comments....

I put a counter on the bottom of my page out of curiosity. I wanted to see how many times my one faithful reader clicked on the page everyday. Come to find out, one faithful reader must not actually have a day job. The page has been clicked on over a hundred times in the last few days. Subtracting the 98 or so times that I click on it leads me to only one conclusion....there must be atleast two faithful readers...
Just for fun, if you are reading this right now leave a comment in the comment box, preferably answering my gum conundrums, or just saying hey....it's me...anonymous faithful reader number 2.

For me?

Upon these things of Beauty

2006-03-30T17:38:00.000-05:00

VATICAN CITY, MARCH 29, 2006 (Zenit.org).- The Church faces the challenge of understanding how beauty can be a "way of evangelization and dialogue," says the Pontifical Council for Culture.

Indeed.

Beauty has been a topic of great interest in me for some time now. Being a woman, and an an american one at that, it's almost imposible not to reflect on beauty daily, in some way. It definitely seems that the world has it's own idea of beauty and like it or not we still call this place home. So, we're caught between what the world tells us we should be and the sneaking suspicion that we are and should be so much more. I was happy to see that the Cardinals are reflecting on the power of beauty in evangelization. Beauty is what leads us to truth. But it's tricky....if we follow wordly beauty to find truth we end up reading Cosmo as Gospel.

I found a paper that I wrote on beauty for my Moral Theology class here at the Institute, back in my first semester, and I've posted some excerpts here;

On the one hand it seems that beauty, as they say, is in the eye of the beholder. And yet there is something profoundly objective about beauty. It is something our words fall short of and yet obvious to us when we encounter it. Beauty is striking and it stirs us to awe and wonder. Joseph Pieper noted that in its original sense beauty is “the glow of the true and good irradiating from every ordered state of being, and not in the patent significance of immediate sensual appeal” Beauty is so rarely thought of as a form or ordered state of being that to even speak of it that way makes it sound grey, stoic and anything but beautiful.

When we free ourselves from sin and allow grace to transform us “from one degree of glory to another”we can then experience with Christ the fullness of that which we see embodied so well in those in love. The beloved becomes truly beautiful, not in an artificial way but in a way that is truer than most things experienced in life. This beauty attracts us to that which is truly good because at the heart of it is true love in response to a gratuitous gift. Worldly beauty can then be redeemed by the gaze of the bridegroom. Even that which does not appear ‘beautiful’ by the worlds standards can be revealed as extraordinarily exquisite when seen through the eyes of love.
“The Transfiguration hearkens back to Moses’ own encounter with the divine in the form of the burning bush, and it looks forward to the mysterious post-Resurrection body of Jesus. In each instance, glory is experienced as a transformation that does not consume or destroy what is being transformed. The ordinary becomes extraordinary without becoming something wholly other.”(Wolfe)

In Karol Wojtyla’s dramatic meditation on Matrimony; The Jewelers Shop, Andrew explains this very transformation in his heart for Theresa; “beauty accessible to the senses can be a difficult gift or a dangerous one; I met people led by it to hurt others—and so gradually I learned to value beauty accessible to the mind, that is to say, truth.”
How are we then to order our sense of beauty? If beauty is objective can we in fact order the way in which we perceive it? Yes, in a sense. I believe we can (and must if we are to strive for holiness) reorder our sense of beauty. I say reorder because this new idea of beauty is already part of the plan that is in us, and is in fact nothing new at all. It is the objective sense of beauty that already ultimately attracts our desire. This worldly sense of beauty which I have referred to is merely the truth that has been twisted by our sin, evil, and social influence. Worldly beauty strives ultimately for selfish satisfaction; “an object unduly possessed”. With this sense of beauty we do perceive something as beautiful because of the goodness reflected in it but because it is only the yearning of our senses that drive us toward the object with an intent to capitalize on it and not a self-giving love of the object for its own sake. Thus this type of beauty is self interested and seeks ultimately to grasp the object in order to possess it and use it for our own sake.
A proper sense of beauty by contrast, is not self interested, “it is a refusal to grasp and an indefectible adherence to Him who gives” and therefore paradoxically, by its very nature, is the cause of our delight. This sense of beauty is love and as such not only seeks not to grasp the beloved, but seeks in fact to give of self because it is also beckoned by the other. As Hans Urs Von Balthasar states, “A being appears, it has an epiphany: in that it is beautiful and it gives itself, it delivers itself to us: it is good. And in giving itself up, it speaks itself, it unveils itself: it is true(in itself, but in the other to which it reveals itself)”.

“Too late have I loved you, O Beauty so ancient and so new, too late have I loved you! Behold, you were there within me while I was outside: it was there that I sought you, and, a deformed creature, rushed headlong upon these things of beauty which you have made. You were with me, but I was not with you. They kept me far from you, those fair things which, if they were not in you, would not exist at all.” St. Augustine

Thoughts on beauty?

grace-full

2006-03-28T23:19:00.000-05:00

Today in Sacramentality of Marriage (class) Padre talked about the grace received in marriage (both in the ceremony and throughout the lives of the spouses). He said that when the spouses freely will to love one another in Christ that Christ takes up that love into his own offering of love for the Father. The Father then takes up that love of the Son, fully receiving what is truly and uniquely the subjectivity of the spouses love, and offers an overabundant gift of His love in response. That gift IS the Holy Spirit. That gift IS communion.

"In marriage the Holy Spirit grants to the spouses something of His own mode of being a communion of persons." Cardinal Marc Oullette

So the spouses then not only signify the love of Christ for His Church but they participate in that same trinitarian love in a very real way. That, my friends, is the grace that is given in marriage. That is the grace denied in radical ways everyday by couples. The gift of the Holy Spirit who is the union and fruitfulness of marriage. Kicked to the curb.

I've been waiting a long time for that grace, though the profundity of it hit me a little harder today. Hubby to be and I have talked and prayed so much about what it means to be 'open to life' even when you discern that there might be a serious reason not to conceive. That has weighed heavy on my heart for a long time and little by little I see God lifting the weight and putting peace in its place. I think continually being vulnerable to this gift of the Spirit....that's got to be what it means to be open. To allow God himself to permeate every area of your marriage, of your being; God's spirit who is himself fruitfulness...

It's all too much.

Padre also talked today about how the Holy Spirit is not just present at the ceremony. We have to see how from the very beginning of the spouses relationship with one another; how they met, how their friendship developed, how they fell in love etc., is all saturated with the Spirit. Human preference, he said, is more than just the attraction and interest in the other, it is God calling us to himself through the other person...from day one.

I couldn't help but smile to myself when he said this. Many many memories came flooding back to me at that moment. I'm not sure why God has given me the grace to see this but from the very beginning I've known that God was calling me to a deeper relationship with Him through hubby to be, even when we were just friends. He is the first man that I really allowed myself to see, in a sense. He was the first man I saw pray with fear and total love in his eyes and then he called me to do the same. He had no idea what he was doing. As our friendship grew, I felt closer and closer to God and as a result I wanted to be closer and closer to HTB. Even in the years when I had such strong feelings for him and, as padre said "there was no echo on the other side" he never ceased to draw me closer to God in subtle yet persistant ways. Our story is flooded with signs of the Spirit and it's totally obvious, yet I still manage to impede grace everyday.

Lord, help me to be open.

baby love...my baby love

2006-03-27T22:40:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine gave birth to a beautiful baby girl tonight. This is the second beautiful child that she has given birth to, both without medication. Can we say Superwoman?

The whole "child coming out of your womb" thing kinda scares me a little if we're gonna be honest here. It's one of those situations that you find yourself in and suddenly realize there's only one way out, kinda like life. "We must do the thing we think we cannot do" Eleanor Roosevelt once said. Indeed.
It seems all of my girlfriends are having babies these days. There will be 5 babies under 1 1/2 at my wedding all belonging to my friends. Crazy. Part of me can't wait to be a mother..most of me has no problem waiting to give birth. I know when the time comes though I will never have experienced such a blessing in my life.
I can't imaging loving a person more than I love hubby to be but then I think of a person created in the love of myself AND hubby to be......and it takes my breath away.

Superwoman asked me to be the godmother of her beautiful girl. It very nearly brought me to tears right there in the kitchen as I brewed my tea. This isn't the first time that I've been asked to be a godmother but I think it's the first time that I get it, even if I don't get it at all.

Can we be more than mothers and fathers? Dr. S used to ask this question in class often.

"Spiritual parenthood, as a sign of the inner maturity of the person, is the goal which in diverse ways all human beings, men and women alike, are called to seek within or outside matrimony. This call fits into the gospel summons to perfection of which the father is the supreme model. So then, human beings will come particularly close to God when this spiritual parenthood, of which God is the prototype, takes shape in them." Karol Wojtyla Love and Responsibility

Lost and Found

2006-03-23T22:45:00.000-05:00

March 23, 2006

Sometimes I'm not sure if things around me are truly showing some sign of hope in that they signify the truth of a theological anthropology or if I'll just never be normal again after studying here. I suspect the latter though I'm willing to be proven wrong.

Lately I've found myself with a new obsession; the television series Lost. In an effort to motivate myself to have long workouts at the gym I began downloading episodes of the first season onto my ipod so that I could watch them as I trudged along on the treadmill. Now 3 weeks later I find myself completely wrapped up in the lives of these fictional characters and nearing the end of season one. Now that I"m done with my comprehensive exams (which I passed by the way!) and having finished my midterm paper today I have a little more time to 'waste' doing trivial things like become obsessed with the passengers of Oceanic Air Flight 815.

I don't know what it is about the show that has me so hooked. It could very well just be that it is well made and I'm a sucker for a good story. I am noticing however, that the story lines and the issues the characters deal with from episode to episode have a novelty to them. I keep noticing very deep themes that seem to almost hint at the true the good and the beautiful. Granted, the show also shows that humans will be humans (in the violent sense) with or without civilization but I suppose they had to get the 'normal' people hooked somehow. Personally, I'm enthralled by the fact that there is concern, meditation and growth through issues such as 'what does it mean to have killed someone? How to work through the very toughest issues in relationships? How do we respect bodies? How do we form a community? Or maybe I just think that Charlie is cute. (Unlike Happy Catholic who thinks he's annoying) Whatever the case may be....people are so interesting no?

p.s. If you watch the show, one faithful reader, don't tell me whats happening in the current episode. I'm not there yet!

Talithacumi!

2006-03-22T23:53:00.000-05:00

March 22, 2006

I have too many thoughts running through my head right now to sufficiently put them into words. But, since "radical insufficiency" (as my beloved roommate is fond of saying) has never stopped me from expressing myself before, I blog.

In adoration tonight as I was flipping through the Gospels looking for something specific I found something that I wasn't looking for at all, but that I highly suspect was looking for me. My prayer was somewhat in desperation, trying to make sense of some thoughts and feelings I've been having the past few days. I'm not very good at taking up residence in that threshold between confusion and clarity. I usually try to force my way into clarity and end up, eventually, in chaos. So (being Lent and all) I'm trying to just let myself be in the discomfort and see what God makes of it. Feeling very weighted down by this dis-order in my heart, my fingers fumbled upon a page in Mark's Gospel where I had one little sentence underlined.

"Little girl, I say to you arise."

All at once I felt both the authority and the immense love directed at me in that statement. Jesus wasn't throwing me a pity party and he surely wasn't playing into my fears and trepidation by letting me believe things are so bad. He was commanding me, now, to get up. "Talithacumi! and immediately the girl got up and walked" (Mk 5:41) For some reason the fact that Mark puts the Aramaic word here was especially important. I could actually hear Jesus' forming this word in his mouth. "Talithacumi"was an actual word he said in his lifetime. And, he didn't say "you" get up or even just "arise", he said 'little girl'.

I'm rambling I know but it's only because I haven't quite figured out where I should be arising to. Also, it's 12:15 and it's time for me to sleep so that I can 'arise' in the morning. Hah! I crack myself up. Sorry for the random post one faithful reader. I promise more substance tomorrow.

The 'new' feminism

2006-03-21T23:17:00.000-05:00

Two of our classes are covering the topic of homosexuality this week; Redemption of Sexuality and Consitutional Law. For our Law class we read 2 chapters out of Jonathan Katz' book 'Inventing Heterosexuality'. There he makes the claim that heterosexuality is a distinction that arose in the 70's and is part of an oppressive society that insists upon making distinctions regarding sexual orientation and gender. Katz would like a world where such distinctions were not made and all types of love are considered 'normal'.

The interesting thing about this Radical school of homosexuality is that they, at the very least, get that the whole issue, THE question if you will, is about who we are as humans and it's got everything to do with being bodied individuals. Unlike their liberal counterparts who claim that there should be neutrality regarding sexual orientation, the Radical view does not pretend not to have an agenda and they don't pretend that none of it matters on a social, ontological and anthropological level. That being said, there are obvious and blatant problems here.

One quote from the book gave a self proclaimed account of what it means to be a Radicalesbian;
"As the source of self-hate and the lack of real self are rooted in our male-given identity, we must create a new sense of self. As long as we cling to the idea of 'being a woman,' we will sense some conflict with that incipient self, that sense of it, that sense of a whole person. It is very difficult to realize and accept that being 'feminine' and being a whole person are irreconcilable. Only women can give each other a new sense of self. That identity we have to develop with reference to ourselves, and not in relation to men. This consciousness is the revolutionary force from which all else will follow, for ours is an organic revolution."

An organic revolution indeed. My heart broke so many times as I read these chapters. These women who supposedly want so badly to deny their status as women are swinging for all they have at some shadow of the truth.

On the contrary, John Paul II's whole 'nuptial imagery' speaks of the dignity of being a woman and why, being a bodily, gendered, human has EVERYTHING to do with who we are, not in the sense that it opresses us or strips us of our freedom, quite the opposite, embracing who we are shows us who we are and finally frees us to be most fully human.

"Unless we refer to this order and primacy we cannot give a complete and adequate answer to the question about women's dignity and vocation. When we say that the woman is the one who receives love in order to love in return, this refers not only or above all to the specific spousal relationship of marriage. It means something more universal, based on the very fact of her being a woman within all the interpersonal relationships which, in the most varied ways, shape society and structure the interaction between all persons - men and women. In this broad and diversified context, a woman represents a particular value by the fact that she is a human person, and, at the same time, this particular person, by the fact of her femininity. This concerns each and every woman, independently of the cultural context in which she lives, and independently of her spiritual, psychological and physical characteristics, as for example, age, education, health, work, and whether she is married or single." (Mulieris Dignitatem 29)

"A woman's dignity is closely connected with the love which she receives by the very reason of her femininity; it is likewise connected with the love which she gives in return. The truth about the person and about love is thus confirmed. With regard to the truth about the person, we must turn again to the Second Vatican Council: "Man, who is the only creature on earth that God willed for its own sake, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of self".59 This applies to every human being, as a person created in God's image, whether man or woman. This ontological affirmation also indicates the ethical dimension of a person's vocation. Woman can only hand herself by giving love to others." (30)

Many are called but few are chosen

2006-03-20T23:30:00.000-05:00

March 20th, 2006 St. Joseph's Feast Day!!!

"Then he said to his servants, "The wedding is ready, but those invited were not worthy. Go therefore to the thoroughfares and invite to the marriage feast as many as you find." And those servants went out into the streets and gathered all whom they found, both bad and good; so the wedding hall was filled with guests. But when the king came in to look at the guests, he saw there a man who had no wedding garment; and he said to him, "Friend, how did you get in here without a wedding garment?" And he was speechless. Then the king said to the attendants, "Bind him hand and foot, and cast him into the outer darkness; there men will week and gnash their teeth." For many are called, but few are chosen." (Matthew 22:8-14)

The part of the story that Matthew leaves out here is that the Queen had limited the guest list to 200 people and nobody listened to her. And you know what they say, When the Queen aint happy, nobody is.

What is it about guest lists at weddings.? I've heard it time and again "it's the most stressful part of planning a wedding." and I always thought that everybody else was just high maintenance. "I'll never have that problem" I said to myself," I"m easy going, let it roll off like water on a duck's back, no prob." Yeah right. I tried to tell them all that we wanted a small wedding. I swear, from day one I told them all. We can have a simple reception, people can cook and bring the food, we'll buy wholesale flowers...but they insisted. "No...no no.. it's a celebration, we want to do this for you, it's our wedding too, we want it to be nice and include the people we love. So now it's March, less than 4 months until "the big day", I"m a little exhausted from the stress of my comps, a little emotionally on edge, I haven't had the time to have a real conversation with hubby-to-be in over two weeks and on top of it all I worked out for close to 2 hours today and pushed myself so hard that I"m fairly sure I won't feel my legs for days.

I should have guessed though that today would be the day that the absolute urgency of the "number" would hit. People who once knew my third cousin's meat inspector MUST come to my wedding so other's have got to get cut. And traditionally, as the bride, it's my job to hold the knife. My advice is not to be standing next to me once they hand it to me.

Ok, so maybe I"m being a little dramatic. It's not that I don't understand. My parent's aren't "made of money" as they say, and I'm thankful for that. I never wanted for anything and I turned out ok, and I surely don't wish we were millionaires now just so that crazy horace the town shoe shine guy can make a toast to my happy life. Receptions are expensive, I get that and I get that the building only holds so many people anyway. So who gets cut then? Friends? Family?

It's really a shame that I"m learning the inexhaustible beauty of Sacramental Marriage right now because eloping would have been a thought.

On that note....check out this Nuptial blessing in the Rite of Marriage

My dear friends, let us turn to the Lord and pray that he will bless with his grace this woman now married in Christ to this man and that through the sacrament of the body and blood of Christ, he will unite in love the couple he has joined in this holy bond.
Father, by your power you have made everything out of nothing.
In the beginning you created the universe and made mankind in your own likeness. You gave man the constant Help of woman so that man and woman should no longer be two, but one flesh, and you teach us that what you have united may never be divided.
Look with love upon this woman, your daughter, now joined to her husband in marriage. She asks your blessing. Give her the grace of love and peace. May she always follow the example of the holy women whose praises are sung in scriptures.
May her husband put his trust in her and recognize that she is his equal and the heir with him to the life of grace. May he always honor her and love her as Christ loves his bride, the Church.
Father, keep them always true to your commandments. Keep them faithful in marriage and let them be living examples of Christian life.
Give them the strength which comes from the gospel so that they may be witnesses of Christ to others. Bless them with children and help them to be good parents. May they live to see their children's children. And, after a happy old age, grant them fullness of life with the saints in the kingdom of heaven.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
R. Amen

Solemn Blessing (at the end of Mass)

May almighty God, with his Word of blessing, nite your hearts in the never-ending bond of pure love.
R. Amen

May your children bring you happiness, and may your generous love for them be returned to you, many times over.
R. Amen

May the peace of Christ live always in your hearts and in your home.
May you have true friends to stand by you, botn in joy and in sorrow.
May you be ready and willing to help and comfort all who come to you in need.
And may the blessings promised to the compassionate be yours in abundance.
R. Amen

May you find happiness and satisfaction in your work.
May daily problems never cause you undue anxiety, nor the desire for earthly possessions dominate your lives.
But may your heart' first desire be always the good things waiting for you in the life of heaven.
R. Amen

May the Lord bless you with many happy years together, so that you may enjoy the rewards of a good life. And after you have served him loyally in his kingdom on earth, may he welcome you to his eternal kingdom in heaven.
R. Amen

And may almighty God bless you all, the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Beautiful.

"...and came out clean on the other side"

2006-03-19T11:22:00.000-05:00

March 19th, 2006 (St. Joseph's feast day...usually)
Pic: St. Joseph Shadow of the Father

It's Sunday morning at about 11:20 and I'm sitting in the dining room looking at my empty cereal bowl and listening to the birds chirping the Salve Regina, or maybe it's me humming. I don't know what to do with myself. I've finished comprehensive exams, I've had the long awaited drink and gone to the party. I've slept (though not much), gone to Mass and now I sit waiting for the next moment of obligation to hit me. But before it does, a moment of joy, a moment to just, as my beloved Dean would say, "kick back and let it be done unto me". Hah! Such a great quote. I'm going to miss this place. I do still have about 6 weeks here but somehow the end of comps seems like the end. It's bitter sweet joy ya know? Every minute passed means one less minute of these people that I've grown to love so dearly, and my gosh, this school,this incredible, life affirming, soul filling school. But then again, every minute passed is also one minute toward home (in every sense of the word) one minute toward Louisiana, toward my friends and family, toward re-creation, toward the wedding, toward my hubby to be. So, I am being pulled in both directions and I am able to just be, which is what we were made for anyway. "We need to recover a sense of the uselessness" - another great quote by Dr. S.

So, while I'm just sitting here, being, I'm going to jot down my comps questions (or what I can remember of them) so that I can remember. I'm already starting to forget.

Day 1 Scripture/Patristics
1. (it was something like) Explain the nuptial mystery within salvation history, specifically focusing on Genesis 1 and 2. (yeah, ok so it wasn't really like that...but I'm forgetting already)
2. Manicheism, Pelagianism, Gnosticism and the responses to these heresies by Augustine and Iraneus.

Day 2 Systematic Theology and Philosophy
1. What is a person? (again...not the question but there was a Ratzinger quote on person and then we had to recount the development of the term in light of Revelation and Christianity and then give an account of what Balthasar and Ratzinger's new concept of the person is...er..something)

2. (This question was like a page long so there's no way I can remember it exactly) The gist of it was explain gender difference in light of the liberal concept of the person. John Paul II's nuptial body, Aristotle and Balthasar's takes on the perfection of act, body, gender etc, Balthasar on gender in the Trinity, asymmetrical reciprocity.. and why all this has to do with homosexuality and what it's significance is and why this is on a different level than race, culture etc.

Day 2 (part 3)
Moral Theology and Ethics

1. Explain different understandings of freedom and their effects on civil law/society. What are Aristotle and St. Thomas' view of freedom. er....something else that slips my mind now.

2. The relationship between nature and the supernatural, different developments, distortions etc and what this has to say about the Christian states of life and if there is a specific Christian ethic. (er....?)

and there it was.....6 hours of writing, months of studying, 2 years of class taking and communio (ing) and it was done. When it was all over we went to our chapel at the basilica to pray a rosary of thanksgiving and Dr. S sent over a reading for us to pray with. It was the reflection from the magnificat about Fatherhood by Papa Benedict, yeah the whole text of the one below. How cute!

Ok...I shall write more later...for now I'm off 'to be'.

p.s. 2 points to whoever can tell me what movie the partial quote in the title is from.

Guest blogger....Papa Bene!

2006-03-16T23:43:00.000-05:00

"The word, "Father" makes me sure of one thing: I do not come from myself; I am a child. I am tempted at first to protest against this reminder as the prodigal son did. I want to be "of age", "emancipated," my own master. But then I ask myself: What is the alternative for me -- or for any person -- if I no longer have a Father, if I have left my state as a child definitively behind me? What have I gained thereby? Am I really free? No, I am free only when there is a principle of freedom, when there is someone who loves and whose love is strong. Ultimately, then, I have no alternative but to turn back again, to say "Father," and in that way to gain access to freedom by ackowledging the truth about myself. Then my glance falls on him who, his whole life long, identified himself as a child, as Son, and who, precisely as child and Son, was consubstantial with God himself: Jesus Christ. When I say "Father," the word automatically calls up the word "our." When I speak to God, I cannot address him solely as "Father." When I say "Father," I must include the "we" of all his children. But the opposite is also true: when I say "Father"I know that I have entered the company of all the children of God and that they are at my side. Consequently, talking with God does not distract me from my responsibility for the earth and for all mankind; it gives it to me anew. In the light of prayer, I can venture to accept it." -- Pope Benedict XVI

Today's procrastination sponsored by....

2006-03-12T23:11:00.000-05:00

March 13th, 2006

You'll have to excuse my sparse posts while I continue to drudge through the week of comprehensive exams. It'll all be over on Saturday and you, my one faithful reader, can be assured of a return to our regularly scheduled program.

Until then....

Matthew Lickona, author of "Swimming with Scapulars: True Confessions of a Young Catholic", also has a blog called Godsbody. The name intrigued me I must say. I hear numerous things about the body during the course of my days here at the Institute and it definitely gets a girl thinking. Matthew recently interviewed Anne Rice, native of my home state and author of those cool, creepy, best-selling Vampire novels (come on you know you saw the movie, Tom Cruise with fangs...eerily appropriate isn't it?). Her most recent book, "Christ the Lord" seems an interesting change in pace from the long toothed, night crawlers of the south, not to mention an interesting development in her faith life. In the interview she talks some about her journey away from and slowly back toward the Catholic Church. Addressing the issue that her son is homosexual and that in some way she hopes that the Church would change her teaching on the matter. Before you grimace again read this quote of hers on the matter and the whole interview, if you have a chance. She may be a little short of orthodox but her reflections are definitely at the heart of the matter.

"...she does acknowledge that a reversal of the teaching [on homosexuality] "would be a huge revolution, because it really would be a divorce of sex and procreation. I don't know the answer. I'm just beginning to study the theology that pertains to this, and it's awe-inspiring."
She understands that the body matters, not least because Christ took one at the Incarnation. "Jesus had a body; He came and lived in a body, and died in a body."
Pondering that, meditating on that, trying to give that some meaning, "is something that you can do all your life."

Thoughts?

la pomme de la mort

2006-03-10T21:41:00.000-05:00

March 10, 2006

I should be studying for my comprehensive exams right now. Yet, here I am. So, what the heck, let's blog.

If you are in a relationship, know anybody in a relationship, or have ever heard the word relationship you know they are difficult. (And by difficult I mean wonderful) My personal reflection upon romantic relationships, specifically now that I'm preparing for marriage, is that they are practice for death. Little death's here, a small cross there, some are taken with dignity, some kicking and screaming and some not at all.

When I think about being a Martyr, I like to imagine that I would be brave and submit to my fate with a quiet yet witty holiness.
You want to cut my head off? I could use a trim while you're there, can you do layers?
Burn me at the stake? I'm cajun, blackened please.
Drawn and quartered? Try not to get any on the rug ok?
Poison? With a Cherry on top?

But ask me to swallow my pride, even when I KNOW there's no way on God's green earth He can be right!? Say, "I believe in you" instead of "this is how you should do it..."? Just take me now Lord! These little deaths are killing me.

How does a woman do it? How do I flourish as a woman of God, as my own unique being, AND let him lead like the man of God I know he is and want him to be? I've gone through varying stages of answering this question to myself. Christ is always the answer. Mary is always the example.

So, here's my latest thought on the matter.

Adam and Eve were asking for it. Before they even took a bite they were setting themselves up for disaster by failing in, what JPII calls, "what man will be for woman and what woman will be for man". The serpent came to Eve and asked her what God had said about the tree of knowledge. God had spoken to Adam, and now he was nowhere to be found. So, like all of us independent women types, she took it upon herself to answer in his place, while he was off nearby collecting fig leaves or something.

I can tell ya, it's only a matter of time then, when woman "grasps" for man's role and man fails to be man....boy is it coming.

Woman's role is not to be Adam. It's also not to let Adam know what his role is. Relationship's are like chinese finger cuffs in this way. The more you try to let the other know what his/her role is the worse it gets. The more you focus on being what you are, the more free you become.

Hey, I didn't make the rules, I've just lost at the game enough times to know what they are.

Somehow, even if you are dead on convinced that you are right (which we always are aren't we?) and he is wrong, the minute you point a finger, accuse, or even politely say "just move out of the way and let me do it" you can pretty much throw in the towel. It's like a chain reaction. One of you does it, then the other reacts, and it all keeps spiraling down until somebody is crying, aggrivated or just shuts down completely. On the contrary, if you recognize the small, oh so painful opportunity to die to yourself in a moment preceeding one of these conflicts, an amazing thing happens. One little death will do it and it will open the door for the other to be who they are and suddenly grace is pouring over both of you and the only problem left is how attractive he's just become.

Sounds easy, but let me tell you sista, it aint. To know what this looks like in every situation is so hard, so delicate. Somehow, everytime, it looks like Mary telling Jesus "they need more wine".

What is the fundamental difference between Eve in the garden and Mary at the wedding at Cana?

Mary did not presume to do what it was Jesus' role to do. She was completely and totally receptive to him, as man, in a beautifully, feminine, active way. She did not act for him, she provided the space where his act would be most fruitful. Mary provides space, but not passively, actively, creatively even.

What a woman.

More random thoughts on this to come, but for now, I must study.
Please please pray for my comps next week. Maybe you could offer up one of these little death's for it?

Much to be sorted out...

2006-03-08T22:50:00.000-05:00

March 8th, 2006

I have too much to say, to say it all tonight. So I'll spend some time thinking about it all and putting it into coherent thoughts and will try to post tomorrow. Until then...

My professor wrote a new book! It's not available yet but you can check out the summary on Amazon.

Spirit's gift: The Metaphysical Insight of Claude Bruaire.

by Fr. Antonio Lopez, F.S.C.B

To all my dieting friends...

2006-03-07T23:35:00.000-05:00

March 7th, 2006

Exactly 4 months from now I will be a married woman. On the one hand, it's a very surreal thought seeing as all day long I learn about the profundity of Sacramental Marriage. But, on the other hand even us JPII Institute students worry about seemingly 'trivial' things such as how we will look in our wedding dress. In actuallity, I don't think it's trivial at all. I've learned more about my body, the physical body and the theological meaning of the body in the past 2 years than I've ever known in my life and ya know what? It does matter, on many levels. That treatise I will save for another day.

My most recent attempt to get healthy is a website called My Food Diary where you track calories, fat, sodium, iron and every other nutrient that we put into our bodies all day. At the end of the day the site tells me whether I've eaten enough calories or too much, if my iron count was too high (which it usually is) and if my sodium intake was too high (which it also usually is). You get smiley faces for good acheivements like eating enough, excercising, and making sure your percentages of fat, carbs and protein are right. Likewise, you get 'frownies" for the bad things that you've done like drink too much alchohol and intake too much iron or having too many calories in one meal. Within the "MFD" Community there is much joy shared in acheiving smileys. And, as you can imagine a frownie can put a damper on an otherwise happy day. It might sound a little crazy but you're Catholic so you're used to crazy right? In any case, it's a great site and I recommend it, though it does cost a little. It's good information if you're trying to attain an overall healthy lifestyle. This post ended up in the forum there today and I laughed so hard I almost pee'd my pants. Enjoy.

******************
Posted by Binkus Posted on Tuesday, January 17, 2006 at 8:43:19 AM ET
[WARNING: LONG POST]

I knew this day was coming. I mean 11 smilies are nice but come on people. I made Vegan Chocolate Cake. It had tofu in it. I made Chocolate Cake WITH TOFU IN IT! I'm a 250 lb woman. I didn't get here without putting butter in my cake. I mean it looked good. It sure had healthy ingredients. And it was absolutely flavorless. I made people try it just to watch their faces. It was dark and moist and went straight into the trash. I need a drink now and then. A real drink. A buzz producing drink. A single shot of gin is like a grape to an elephant. C'mon frownie man. So two shots of gin produce a frownie. DEAR GOD I had 264 alcohol calories. That's less than my damn power bar after I work out and that sucker has saturated fat in it. So you know what frownie boy, those two shots of gin are between me and my liver. I'm tired of playing the "no dessert" smiley shell game. We all know why snack number 3 is there. It's there so we can hide our pudding cups.So yesterday I was ready. I had dinner reservations at the swanky new french restaurant in town. I ate a light breakfast. 2 hours later I was hungry. I ate a light snack. It was time to work out. I just couldn't do it. I took a nap instead. When I got up I was hungry. I ate a light lunch. ½ hour later I ate a real lunch. A good lunch with mayonnaise and everything. I was no longer hungry but I only had 500 calories left to maintenance. On a normal day this wouldn't be problem but I was going to a French restaurant. A good French restaurant. A restaurant where they set the desserts ON FIRE! And you know what, as the hour approached I still wasn't hungry. When I got there I wasn't hungry. And as I sat there and contemplated the menu I was conflicted. I know what you all think happened. You think I became one of those "I'll just have a salad girls". But you know what, we fat girls HATE those girls. HATE them. So I leaned back in my chair and thought I am not hungry but have been looking forward to this for a week so I am going to do something I haven't done in 6 months and 25 lbs. I am going to eat for PLEASURE. I am going to say "yes" to all the naughty questions. "Would you like a drink before dinner?" "Something to start?" "Would you like to see the dessert menu?" Yes. Yes. YES!And after I had extinguished the flames on my dessert I leaned back with a satisfaction I haven't felt in forever. And I thought, how bad could it be? So this morning I entered it all. I erred on the side of brutal honesty. I got frownies I didn't even know existed. And I don't care. Because when all the damage was totaled up it wasn't so bad. I realized that if I saved an extra 100 calories a day I could do this every so often and it wouldn't matter a damn bit. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm getting back on the horse. But I am rewarding myself with FOOD. Exactly what they say you shouldn't do but I'm doing it. And I'm going to love it. I am going to embrace the You-haven't-eaten-enough frownie because there's always tomorrow to make up for it. I'm going to be sad when I DON'T get the Alchohol frownie. It means I probably didn't have enough fun that day. Sodium Frownie? Pass the salt. But why tell us Binkus? I hear you ask. You're just making me hungry. Well I'm glad you asked. I am starting this thread for the other Binkus's out there who love to eat GOOD food. I'm not talking about dipping oreos in chocolate sauce in the dead of night. I'm talking about people who love to sit down to a real pot roast or a perfect lasagna. [If anyone mentions cottage cheese or tofu in the same sentence as the word lasagna just strangle them. I'm Italian for God's sake, Ricotta runs in my veins.] This thread is NOT for you new agers who want to "flush the toxins" out of your system with the latest fad high colonic. It is NOT for you "fat" girls who are 11 pounds over your ideal body weight. It is NOT for the"I'll just have a salad" girls. And it is DEFINITELY NOT for those whiners who state, "But MFD says I haven't had enough calories today and I just don't know what to do." Go stick a chocolate bar in some peanut butter and be quiet. This thread is for the people who are the only ones at the table who order dessert. And when the waiter puts down all the extra forks you use them as weapons to pin your greedy neighbors' hands to the table. This thread is for the guy out there who ate a steak so big the Iron frownie said, "Forget abdominal pains. Go straight to the emergency room." I want to hear the stories of the dinner so wonderful that the You-ate-too-much-in-a-single-meal frownie just looked confused and said, "Are you sure?". I want to hear your stories so I can live vicariously through you until I get to my next reward day. So let me just lean back and mix this martini, and...go.

My Morning...in two Acts.

2006-03-07T13:19:00.000-05:00

March 7th, 2006

Act one: starring: The cynic

At approximately 7 a.m this morning, as my alarm jolted me out of sleep and I hit the snooze button in a series of "just one more minute" attempts, the local Latino community (which makes up my entire neighborhood and surrounding area) gathered together in an important yet disturbing meeting.
For the sake of other uni-linguialists out there the content of the meeting shall be both translated and summarized for your convenience (and mine since I don't speak Spanish)

"We the Latino community of Trafficville, MD having noted the presence of our neighbor Miss Amy L, slight speeder and consistant 'wave and smile' motorist, for no good reason what-so-ever except perhaps for our own sheer delight, do hearby swear to cooperate with the following happenings of the morning:

At approximately 7:15, as Ms. L is trying to get those last crucial minutes of sleep, we shall, in an act of urgency and impatience bring our children to Trafficville elementery, which by happenstance is located directly across the side steet that Ms. L's bedroom window faces. We are not to simply drive past the school calmly coming to a stop and allowing our children to exit the vehicle and walk quietly into the building. We are infact to show our impatience at the line of traffic by honking, yelling and turning our morning dance music to a volume at which all outlying areas of society may partake. We are to instruct our children to slam the door with all of their little might as they leave the car and as they run into the building we are to yell at them the 5 things we forgot to tell them earlier, ensuing more impatience, horn honking and yelling.

At approximately 7:55 a.m., as Ms. L is taking her stroll to St. Jerome's RC Church for Mass we are to release the second wave of unruly parents and children, now 25 minutes late for school, in an effort to chase Ms. L down while continuing all honk, yell, and slam rituals that would normally insue at the earlier drop off time.

At approximately 8:45 a.m, as Ms. L is stopping at the local 7Eleven to get her morning jolt of caffeine, both the parking lot and interior of the store shall appear empty and calm. Upon entering the store Ms. L shall notice still that she is alone in her patronage and shall conclude that her purchasing experience shall be that of ease. After having fixed a full cup of coffee, Ms. L, shall turn to see that the 7Eleven has now become flooded with customers causing the line to wrap around the pastry case, putting her eye to eye with freshly baked old fashioned cake doughnuts that she is not allowed to have. We solemly swear to only allow one cashier to work at one time, that cashier being either new, unnaturally slow, or extremely rude and we will try to the best of our ability to hit on Ms. L in spanish throughout the entirety of her wait.
Upon finally getting out of the line and into her car, Ms. L shall wait for minuts on end as every other car in the lot begins to back out at once causing a jam of drivers who choose to socialize in leu of tending to the problem.

At approximately 9:05 a.m., we shall send out or special task force to assist Ms. L in her drive to school through D.C. traffic. This special unit shall include only those of our community with either cars made before 1953 or drivers over the age of 80 and in many cases a combination of the two. We shall see to it that Ms. L gets stuck in the left lane for the entirety of the trip, having to stop for the entirety of 2 or 3 changing of lights in order for one of our special unit team members to turn left. In those cases when the District of Columbia has unwittingly provided a turn lane for just such an occasion, the SU team member shall place only half of his/her car in the lane leaving the other half mostly in Ms. L's lane causing her to wait for all traffic to pass before she can drive around. The special unit team, being highly trained in poor big city driving skills, shall pull out in front of, go 10 miles below the speed limit and honk at the occasion of every red light.

Let all who do not adhere to the above rules be anathema. So it is said, so shall it be done.

Act 2: starring: the cynic, and the grace of God

I woke up this morning a little before I had planned because the kids who attend the school across the street were being dropped off. At first I was groggy but as I looked out of the window I couldn't help but smile. Kids, with all the glory that they entail in their little beings were running with all their might across the playground and giggling with a joy that few adults have at 7:15 in the morning. Those parents dropping them off stopped traffic a few seconds longer in order to get one last sloppy kiss from their child that would last them through the long work day.

As I walked to Mass in the beautiful, brisk March weather I noticed that the squirrels had returned from their winter sleep and were playing with full force in the yard. Kids who's parents had given them a few extra minutes of sleep perhaps or who left for school only after they had enjoyed a full healthy breakfast, were now arriving, tardy but smiling none the less.

Mass itself was beautiful and refreshing and I felt the Lord strengthen me with his grace so that I might drag my weary and sinful body throughout the day with dignity. I enjoyed a nice breakfast and noticed that I still had enough time to stop and get a cup of coffee before making it to class.

The 7Eleven was a little crowded but people smiling and saying hello in the early morning makes even waiting in line mostly tolerable. The drive to school took a little longer than usual but since I had left early I was in no hurry and the waiting gave me more time to notice the beautiful blue skies and sing along with my new CD. As I approached the Basilica the view of that mighty dome made me thankful to live here, even for just a short time longer, and to be able to see and visit such a fantastic Church everyday.

St. Ephrem the Syrian

2006-03-06T21:35:00.000-05:00

March 6th, 2006

In Mass today, right after communion, I got this overwhelming feeling of grace and peace. And one solitary thought filled my mind with light.

I am so happy and blessed to be right here, right now.

That was it and I knew it was from God because if it had been from me it would have been much more complicated and conviluted. This was pure. This was a gift.

There was a bit of bitterness to the beauty though, I will admit. All that time, these past few months when I stopped going to daily Mass everyday and only went here and there mostly for school Mass and Sundays and other times when I was 'expected' to go. I had convinced myself of a few things in all this time. One, that it wasn't necessary to go to Mass EVERY day. Two, that it was a huge and good thing that I always go on Sunday. and Three, that I didn't have 'time' to go everyday anyway. The first two were plausible, the third was a lie that I told myself. I live in Washington D.C. for crying out loud! Home of the largest Catholic Church in America that just so happens to have 6 masses a day not to mention the Church a half a block from my house that has both 8a.m. mass and 11:30 mass. We wont even talk about the hundreds of other Catholic churches in the area.

I didn't have time.

Luckily, long ago, I made a deal with God (not this most recent one). I gave Him my heart, as much as I could give and I told him to keep it, nomatter what I said or did for the rest of my life. Now in reality, I know that God values my freedom over any trivial deal I might attempt to make. I know He always gives me the "choice" to turn away from Him..I know this because I do it often. But part of me likes to believe that somehow He has kept part of this deal in atleast always allowing me to come back somehow, on my knees, on my face.....however.
And He's always welcomed me back with open merciful arms.

A smile comes to my face just thinking about it.

Appropriately enough, the reflection in the magnificat today was a perfect ending to my perfect Mass.

I think St. Ephrem the Syrian made deals too...

"Although I am most sinful and unworthy, I ceaslessly knock at your door. Although I am apathetic and slothful and take no care about my salvation, I wish to follow your path. Save me for the sake of your mercy, for in every way you are good, O Lord, and your compassion is in all your works."

bread, body, and a story about a toilet

2006-03-05T22:50:00.000-05:00

March 5th, 2006

Bread:

It's one of the things I've given up this lent, though I have to admit I don't eat it any time of the year on a daily basis. I guess the challenge comes in eating out or away from home where pizza and sandwhiches and flatbread look so yummy. It's been a challenge so far but today I had some extra motivation.

“man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD (Deuteronomy 8:3) (Jesus avoiding temptation).

It's not so much this verse that inspired me but the fact that Jesus is the bread of life. He is my sustinance. And I think it profoundly appropriate that the only bread I will have this lent is in fact not bread at all but the body, blood, soul and divinity of my Jesus.

Now that makes me want to walk away from a pizza!

Body:
I went to Caribou Coffee to study today both because it got me out of the house and because it was close to the house where I was babysitting tonight. While I was there I had two cups of coffee. I've only had about a cup and a half of coffee in the
past month. (Remember this, it will be important to the next section of this post). While there I was studying Theology of the Body. The section I was reading today got me thinking, along with other comments in the course of my week.

I struggle with my weight, it's no secret, I always have really. At this moment I have a better grasp on health than I have in a long time, weighing 30 pounds less than I did at my heaviest (only 2 years ago). In any case, at moments I notice the obsession with food (that still has a pretty good grip on my life) has not in fact been transformed but only turned into an obsession with eating healthy and working out. These two things are not bad in and of themselves and are even a preferred obsession to gluttony but they still do not warrant purity.
Purity is what this current section of the class is about. JPII is constantly stating that purity is, among other things, mastery over one's impulses. Purity is freedom in that sense. It is me, realizing myself as gift and because of that gift having authority over my passions. This current section also spoke of manipulation of the body in any way as being contrary to purity.
The other day in a study session we talked about seeing our bodies as a mere attachment to myself, a machine with which I can do as I please (a common mindset of modernity) as being distorted. We also noted however that seeing the body as an addendum AT ALL, even as a healthy one, is also distorted. I am my body and I have been given myself therefore I am to live my life in holiness and wholeness. My body is not a machine for me to program as I wish, even if my program is healthy food and working out. If its only for my own reasons, to get results, to look good etc, it is no more an adequate appreciation of my body than gluttony.
Food for thought. Yum.

..And a story about a toilet.
Remember my two cups of coffee? Well, I sure did about 3 hours later. My tummy had been rumbling but I was watching, feeding, and entertaining a 6 year old and a 3 year old, so there was little time for bathroom breaks. When I had finally gotten the kiddos to bed I decided that it would be necessary for me to use the bathroom in the parent's bedroom as the downstairs toilet had refused to flush earlier. After I was 'done' I flushed and it became immediately apparent to me that the water was in fact rising, and quickly.

My father once told me that if I ever found myself in such a situation (though I'm sure he didnt have this one in mind) that I should find the knob on the bottom of the toilet and turn the water off. And he would have been proud because I did remember, though about 2 minutes too late.

And so, I found myself standing with one hand in the top tank pulling the chain and the other hand trying to save rugs, toilet paper and tampons from their inevitable destiny of being soaked. After some time, I got everything somewhat dry and comforted myself with the fact that they would not be home for a few hours and that things would be much less damp by then. It would all just be a funny story.

As I walked downstairs to put the soaking wet towel in the laundry room however, I heard keys in the front door. They had come home early from the concert and I would have to tell the truth.

"If it had been any other couple" I explained, " I would probably be pretty embarrassed right now, but you guys are so great Its really no big deal"

And of course it really wouldn't have been a big deal if at that moment I hadn't looked down and noticed that in the rush and rumble of it all I had forgotten to button my pants and buckle my belt. So, there I stood, red face and pink underwear for all the world to see.

In the end they though it was hillarious and apologized for their faulty toilets. It's really too bad that these people are atheists because I think that would have been an opportune moment for me to reference the humility of the Lenten season.

Prayer, Fasting, and cheap fish

2006-03-04T23:24:00.000-05:00

March 4th, 2006

I was driving to my study session this morning and I saw something that did a tiny little tap dance on my last nerve. In fact, this is a pet peeve of mine every Lenten season and I've been quiet long enough! Just when you think the world has no clue of the liturgical seasons....Lent comes around and every fast food joint in sight just so happens to have a new/improved/or just plain cheap special on fish. It's not just any fish either, it's the square kind.

Now, you're Catholic, it's friday and you're trying to figure out what to eat for lunch. If every day you have a super chicken value meal, does it really affect you on the sacraficial level to trade the meat that barely passes for chicken for something that squarely passes for fish? I think not. I"m not judging mind you. I'm not perfect and I myself almost sat down to a nice heaping bowl of chicken tortilla soup on Friday. I'm just saying people! Do you think McDonalds REALLY cares about your lenten obligation?

Yeah, so thats my rant today. Did I mention one of my Lenten promises was to be more charitable. We'll put an X by that one today.

In other news I saw the movie Nanny McPhee tonight and it was delightful, not to mention filled with cute kids. Immediately after watching it I called my fiancee and asked him if it were ok if we had 7 british children. He agreed though he found it difficult to understand how two people from the deep south would accoplish such a thing.

In other other news, it looks like I gave up the right things for Lent. Why? you ask. Because I find myself wanting those things all day long. We're barely 4 days in and I'm so weak. Lord have mercy! Please pray for me. The daily Mass thing is going swimmingly though and so far I've been able to receive the grace to get there every day. Praise God.

That reminds me...I need to say night prayer.

Adieu world wide web of people who don't read my blog. Tomorrow is another day.

must sleep...

2006-03-03T23:23:00.000-05:00

will post tomorrow

.. and follow me

2006-03-02T23:54:00.000-05:00

Thursday March 2nd

My alarm went off promptly at 7a.m this morning so that I could take my temperature.

****I'm not sick or weird (well maybe I'm a little weird but we can get into that more as Lent goes by) I'm preparing for marriage. So, like any good, JPII Institute student girl getting married I'm learning all about NFP or like my Redemption of Sexuality prof likes to call it "Fertility Awareness". In any case the alarm goes off at 7 every morning for me to take my temperature.***

I reset it for 7:50 (the last possible minute I can wake up, throw clothes on and still make it to 8:00 Mass down the street) and went back to sleep. The next time I opened my eyes it was 8:11. Supposedly I had forgotten to switch the alarm button back to 'on' but in reality I think God was slacking on his end of the deal. In any case I was not a happy camper and I let the Almighty know in no uncertain terms.

I had been inconvenienced! Now when would I work out? When would I study? The whole flow of the day was off now and there was no redemption to be found.

My loving Jesus quickly hit me over the head with the fact that daily Mass is in fact not a right. It is a priveledge. Oh yeah.

Long story not so short, I stayed home, did "gym in a box" (worthy of it's own blog) and went to noon Mass at St. Mark's on the other side of town. I've never been to daily Mass there before and I quickly noticed that I was the only person under the age of 60 save for the homeschooling mom and her 5 little ducklings sitting across the aisle from me.

My prayer before Mass was candid, odd, and a little uncanny even to me. "Yeah, so I want a nice body Lord. So what? I study the Theology of the Body, it only makes sense right? I mean, I don't want to be a supermodel, I just want thin thighs. You have thin thighs (looking at crucifix).

** At this point I was struck by the absurdity of what I had just prayed. Jesus has thin thighs. On the cross. And I was being envious. ***

"OK...maybe you were concerned with more than thin thighs at that exact moment Lord. I'm not saying it's not possible. But this right now, today, Is what this pear-shaped girl is concerned with, among other things. If it's selfish, let me know. If it's superficial, change my heart. Otherwise, help me out a little!"
**Tap on my shoulder**
"Excuse me, are you Esther Brown?" "No, I"m not" "Oh, Ok sorry"

Random.

Anyway, then came the gospel and all seemed trivial. Take up your cross. We know this part, we do it everyday. Take it up? No prob. I've got lots of things on my back; people who aggrivate me, lots of school work, relationships, wedding plans, lack of funds, too many calories...etc etc.

And.

Follow me. There it is, the clincher. Don't just take it up, take it up, close your yap and walk in my footsteps. I have put before you life and death... and you want thin thighs.

I also want life for the record. I think both life and thin thighs require death, I know they do, but not just any death, death in Christ, with Christ, for Christ.

This gospel is what my fiancee and I picked as the gospel reading at our wedding. There is no other phrase that better exemplifies a loving relationship such as marriage than "take up your cross daily and follow me.."

"Remember, you are dust and to dust you shall return"

2006-03-01T22:49:00.000-05:00

March 1st, 2006. Ash Wednesday.

I realized something early on today, something I probably knew before. I am really good at beginnings. This of course says little about middles or ends, both of which I am mediocre at best, but beginnings are excellent. I think it's all about the new start, the rebirth of it all. Its so Catholic.

So today, true to form, I awoke bright and early with vigor in my step. Ok..maybe not vigor but I was more awake than normal. I threw on some decent clothes and trotted down to St. Jerome's for daily Mass (one of my Lenten promises). I did notice there were more attendants than normal but the church was by no means packed. It felt good to be there, good to pray, good to get a dark defined cross of ashes on my forhead. I got home and promtly fixed my healthy breakfast, cleaned my room and put my gym clothes on. (all part of the new lenten me)

Lets go back a bit... during Mass I made a deal with God, something else I"m pretty keen on. In actuality there wasn't much dealing there, it's pretty much all on Him. I just participate. Which is my call anyway right? The deal: In going to Mass everyday and receiving the eucharist, He gives me the strength to fulfill all of my other Lenten promises just for that day. Furthermore, in fulfilling all of my Lenten promises for the day, He gives me strength to get to Mass the next day, one day at a time. It's brilliant, foolproof even, and I can't wait to see how long it takes me to screw it up.

I made it to the gym earlier than normal and in the 2 minutes that it takes to walk from my car to the door I had already forgotten it was Lent. The stares and strange looks I got reminded me pretty quickly and when I got to the front counter and the guy at the desk looked at my forhead while saying "Oh S***! It's Ash Wednesday, I need to go to Mass!" I had to laugh a little. I'm used to a place where everyone is very aware what day it is precisely because they were so aware what yesterday was. Everybody is Catholic in South Louisiana and everybody celebrates Mardi Gras. Therefore, you're never the only one with ashes on your head. That wasn't my experience today but we'll chalk it up to the fact that it was still before 10 a.m.

My classmates and I were talking tonight about why Ash Wednesday is the day of the year when Mass is most attended, even by non-Catholics. What is it about a slathering of ashes on their heads that make people flock to a church they never visit otherwise? I don't have an answer really but I think it has something to do with that innate sense of our own mortality. We know we're dust and we know that thats where we're headed and somehow being reminded of that is comforting.

But here it is, the end of day one and I have indeed been given the graces to persevere. My prayers tonight will be prayers of thanksgiving.

40 days and 40 nights...

2006-02-28T22:34:00.000-05:00

Actually, this year it's 47 days to be exact.

Today is February 28th, Mardi Gras 2006. In approximately an hour and a half the Lenten season will begin and little Catholic children around the world will say goodbye to their chocolate bars and playstations until the Bunny arrives on Easter morn.

I've decided to give myself up this year. I've made a list, as I am known to do, of all of the things I want to give up and all of the things I want to do in some pathetic attempt to align myself with the side of Christ. I've also decided that I want to journal about it. Why? because I enjoy writing and it will keep me accountable. Writing could be a healthy outlet as I attempt to purge myself of all of the other indulgences I substitute for God on a daily basis.

I hope more than anything this Lent to once again fall passionately in love with He who is passion himself; Jesus Christ. I have slowly seen my hand release from His as of late and He still stands there waiting for me to take hold of it again. I cannot grasp....
The title of this blog "the refusal to grasp" is taken from an article that I read my first semester here called "The Chastity of Jesus and the refusal to grasp" by Jean-Pierre Batut. Of all the mind bogling articles that pass in front of my eyes daily here at the John Paul II Institute, this is one that stuck out in my mind for some reason and resurfaced just when I needed it. I will quote only part of it but I suggest you track it down and read it for yourself.

"Thus, sin is not first the act, which is only the consequence of sin, but a disfigurement of God, suggested by the tempter and to which man has consented. In Genesis 3, the tempter begins by destroying the true representation of God by misrepresenting his word (Gn 3:1). The moment this misrepresentation is accepted, the evil is done. The commandment of life appears arbitrary (Gn 3:3), and even wicked (Gn 3:4); and, because the true reality has been lost from sight, that which does not exist begins to exist (Gn 3:6). For the desirable character of what we substitute for God is but a construction of our minds. It is God alone who is desirable, and it is for this reason that the rest is good and quite truly belongs to us when we receive it from him."

We grasp for that which we feel we must take for ourselves. That is how we approach life and salvation as if God our Father might fall short in providing all that we need. We grasp to "get ours" but for that which is truly good in light of Him there is no need to grasp, it is ours as sons and daughters in the son and we've only to open our hands and let him love us abundantly.