Go back to the beginning....

Where do I begin?

It's a retorical question, I know. Where else do we ever begin but at the begin'ning'? You could begin in the middle chronologically, I suppose, but then in essence you make it the beginning anyway. So there you are.

Sorry, I've been in a Theology department meeting all day. The wheels are turning especially fast. I'm in gerbal mode.

The beginning is wherever I start, mostly because I can't remember where I left off. Lent right? It was Lent and it seemed relatively uneventful. Then we got a call that the priest who is now at the Catholic Student Center where I first 'met' Jesus (where I first cared about meeting him anyway..as a young adult), the point of my conversion, lets put it that way. The same Church where I met Hubby and where 7 years later, we were married. So, that guy, he called and said in not so many words that he wanted both Hubby and I to send on over our resume's and letters of intent to him. So we did and sooner than we thought he called us back and offered us both jobs.

Wow huh? I know, it's like a dream come true aside from the obvious sorrow of leaving this wonderful place and all the dear friends that we've made. We prayed about it and thought about it and talked about it, alot.

In the midst of all that praying and thinking and talking I began to feel weird, not myself, off balance, no memory, lack of appetite. Yeah, you guessed it, the little blue line was there bright as day and all of a sudden our very full plate became a gluttonous display of blessings. I was pregnant.

Joy. Fear. Anticipation. More Joy. Worry etc. We experienced it all and within a month and a half nearly every family member descended upon us. They had all planned ahead of time to visit near our spring break which just so happend to be in the midst of all of this.....life.

We decided to accept the jobs, not because of the baby but because it seemed to be, undoubtedly, what God was calling us to. He had found us, and we couldn't dispute that. Hubby gave up his acceptance to the Choral Conducting program here for his second masters and the next day God provided a similar (though smaller) program back home with a full scholarship and an assistantship to boot. He will work part time at the Church as the Musical Director/Liturgical Coordinator and I will work full time as the Campus Minister, dream jobs for us both at a spiritual home that we know so well.

That all meant beginning to say goodbye to the people and the jobs that we love so much here in Denver. We began to do so even though we arent leaving until August. We continue to do so.

At about 9 weeks I was beginning to 'gush' within myself about the life that was growing within me. Little things started to show up around the house; a rattle that 'grandma' brought when she visited, little booties that say "someone in Colorado loves me very much", books about pregnancy and an item or two of maternity clothes.

I began to reflect on the pain of childbirth and what I wanted to do about dealing with it. It was one thing to say 'all natural' when it was just a thought but now there was this being that had to come out. I knew that if indeed I wanted to endure that kind of pain that I would have to start preparing myself for it now. I began to pray. I asked hubby what he thought and he said so simply "God will show you if thats what you are called to." And so, I prayed some more. That last week of lent it seemed every sermon, every reading, everything was about suffering and the beauty of suffering with Christ. Redemptive suffering...indeed. Holy Thursday is my favorite day of the Church year because it's so intimate. We found a Church here that night and opened ourselves up to God. I opened the scriptures and began to read particularly about the virtue of suffering for what it good. Plain as day it read, "and to this you are called." I pointed it out to hubby and he said, "well there ya go." It was clear, I was to suffer for this child.


On good friday I woke up to a sight that pregnant women fear. I didnt worry immediately because I had read about the 'serious' signs to look for. But as we drove to church to sing for the good friday service that afternoon, I began to get a bad feeling in more than one way. By the 5th station, every genuflect became more painful than the last and I knew the inevitable was upon me. I was losing our baby.
There was nothing we could do but go home and call the doctor, so as the last few people walked up to the altar to venerate the cross I sat before it and cried my eyes out. All I could think of was the injustice of the situation. We didn't ask for this baby. It didn't ask to be here and now it was going to be taken away. Injustice. Then, I glanced up at the cross and as if Christ said outloud, "I know" it became clear to me. Redemptive suffering.

It was a long night that I won't ever forget. The doctor said for us to keep a close watch and come to the ER if needed, otherwise I should keep my normal appointment on Monday.

Easter was hard. Hubby led the packed Church in singing 'Alleluia" but I knew he was hurting inside like me. We didnt quite know what to do or how to feel or where to go. How do you grieve someone you didnt 'know' but whom you 'knew' more intimately than any other human in your life?
Our appointment on Monday revealed a very empty womb as we suspected. We both reflected on the symbolism there and the reality of the Risen Christ. He is risen and now so is our Child with Him.

All of the details of the following weeks are beautiful and hard and I will cherish them and the people who comforted us. We named the baby Josiah and entered his name into the 'Book of Life' at the Shrine of the Holy Innocents.

So now the school year comes to an end and we prepare to move, again. That is a story in itself, but one for another time.