Hubby-to-be week...

I know...I'm a woman obsessed. So don't read... (you love me you know it)

Anyway, I was just sitting here thinking (among other things) that a week from today I get to see HTB! Last night I was reflecting with earthie and grass about how weird it is to lay eyes on someone who you haven't seen in 4 months. When I drove up in his driveway for Christmas break (the last time we saw each other) it was so weird to actually be able to look at each other that we just couldn't for a few minutes. It was like looking into the sun. So we just hugged until the weirdness went away. I talk to him on the phone about a hundred times a day and I see his picture everytime I walk into my room....but it's different to have someone actually in your presence, especially someone you are so close to. Sometimes I see someone pass in a crowd. For a fleeting moment I think it's him and my heart falls to my toes. It's over dramatized because of the distance...and personally I think it's pretty cool.

I also miss him singing to me. But when I beg, he sends me recordings of himself. enjoy.

Who wouldn't love those dimples?

I suspect that there will be yet another post today. I'm in a writing mood I suppose. Maybe it's because there is no law paper to write today and thats usually what I'm doing on Tuesday afternoons at this time....waiting until the last minute.

So I was just looking at the picture I put in the last post and I noticed two things;

1.) the only two pictures that I've posted of us have been kissing pictures (does this give me away?)
2.) sometimes I forget (and by forget I mean temporarily am unaware) of how much I love this man.
..........seriously, I don't think I talk about this alot out loud mostly because of my own pride and the remnants of that stubbornly independant woman who still lives in me somewhere, (Ok who am I kidding she's not so little and she daily makes her presence well known) but I really really love him, alot. Really.

The funny thing is he drives me crazy. He's not like me at all in alot of ways and he doesn't want the things I want sometimes. He's impractical when I want stability and he's stubbornly rational when I want to fly by the seat of my pants. He listens, but he won't take orders. He's attentive but he's not the best at paying attention to detail. In fact there was actually one point in our conversation last night when I actually contemplated poking my own eyeballs out of my head because he was driving me to near insanity.

Still...he's one of the kindest men I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I'm pretty sure there have been moments where I've merited a good lashing and he's never so much as raised his voice to me. He is utterly and completely devoted to being on his face before God because he is totally aware of his brokeness. Come to think of it, he's pretty aware of my brokeness too and he loves me not in spite of it but right smack in the middle of it. He knows my heart and my mind and wants nothing more than to know what I would look like as a Saint. So I'm finding, the more present I know the Holy Spirit to be with us, the more I love him in our moments of disagreement. And it doesnt hurt that he makes me laugh....

promises and smooches...

I know, I've been slacking. Its not like I'm all swamped with school work either (even though I probably should be with finals next week and all). In any case, I promise to post something of substance later today. For now I must go to class. But for your viewing pleasure, here's an old picture I dug up last night of last year's JPII ball. For those of you planning to attend this year...see what fun awaits you!? (kissing not guaranteed)

On a side (but not so side) note...only 9 more days till I see hubby to be again! (It's been 4 months)

Missing Lent...

Is anyone else a little sad that Lent is over?

I know, I'm a freak. Don't get me wrong it's not that I'm not completely beside myself in Easter joy. Alleluia!!! It's just that I always seem to work better with rules and obligations. In another life, and another body, I probably would have done well in the Army...but alas, I hate guns and as those of you who know me in real life know that I only run if I'm being chased.
Sunday morning, when I opened my eyes I thought, "My Lord, you have risen today! you restore innocense today! you set captives free today!" Followed shortly by...."oh no, Lent is over...I'm going to become the slothful, selfish individual I've always been all over again."

I'm a card carrying Wretch (thats right with a capital W) thats no secret, but as any truly wretched Wretch knows, I'd be something much worse if not for the precepts of the Lord. I know, you're saying "duh Amy...those precepts aren't just for Lent" but there is a special kind of suffering in Lent.
I was thinking about liturgical time this morning, how we understand it to be in a sense standing outside of time and in a sense it's own time all together. We fast and abstain on good friday in honor of the passion and death of our Lord when in fact He has already risen. So awesome, don't you just love the Church? It's something I want to reflect on more. At the vigil Mass, as the priests were processing back down the aisle at the end, everyone was singing at the top of their lungs "Jesus Christ is Risen today!!!!" you could feel the joy of the resurrection all around and in the midst of it all I was struck by the sight of the crucifix coming down the aisle. I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

My new blog friend Penni recently expressed that she's having some questions and doubts about her Catholic faith. It happens to all of us at times but its moments like that procession that secure my own weak faith. What I mean is, it's possible that all of this liturgy and the Church as a whole could be one big crock. It could all be just alot of pomp and circumstance and bells and whistles save for one thing; the cross. It makes no sense that we should praise a king who hangs on a such a sign of contradiction and because of that, it makes all the sense in the world.

So, in the same way that the cross is triumphant and still tragic in the midst of the resurrection, I suppose the cross and therefore Lent has got to stay with us even in the joy of Easter.

Or maybe I'm just crazy?

Jesus Christ is Risen Today!!!!!

Rejoice, heavenly powers!
Sing, choirs of angels!
Exult, all creation around God's throne!
Jesus Christ, our King, is risen!
Sound the trumpet of salvation!
Rejoice, O earth, in shining splendor,
radiant in the brightness of your King!
Christ has conquered!
Glory fills you!
Darkness vanishes for ever!
Rejoice, O Mother Church!
Exult in glory!
The risen Savior shines upon you!
Let this place resound with joy,
echoing the mighty song of all God's people!

I heart Priests

Lately, every Mass I attend, everytime I receive the Eucharist, everytime I sin (which is often) and because of that sin go crawling to the Sacrament of Confession...I am overcome with gratitute for these priests of God.
Unfortunately I haven't always been thise aware of what a blessing the priesthood is to us. Usually I just go about my merry way and even throw in a criticism here or there. I'm not saying some things that priest do shouldn't be criticized but thats another blog for another place.
Dr. S defined Sacraments in class the other day as 'God's presence in history', "No Sacraments, no God in history." and my mind took the next step... no priests, no sacraments, no God in history. They are the conduits of grace in our lives and everyday we stand before Christ; both the priest in persona Christi and the Most Blessed Sacrament of the Eucharist because these men gave all for love.
Lots of priests, good priests even, lose heart and their vocations suffer because of that. It's got to be hard, especially as a diocesan priest. There is something resembling a community in your brother priests and you have the families that invite you over once in a while and the little old ladies that swoon over you after Mass, but aside from that when everyone else is home it must be so lonely. God is smacking me over the head with the realization that I need to be praying for priests in a very real way everyday. I need to be praying that the Lord overwhelms these men with love for their vocation, with love for the Church everyday! I need to be praying that God helps them to fall in love all over again with their total bodily sacrifice.
I think part of this sudden love is because of a good friend of hubby to be and mine who is a priest. We'll call him Fr. Fire. I say Fire because he has a fire in him like I've never seen. He is so young, so reverent, so good and he wants nothing more than to set aflame the hearts of those who he encounters, even if it means standing in opposition to what they think at the moment. I love Fr. Fire in a special way because of the love and support he provides for us specifically and because of the love I know he has for his vocation. I hope he will be around hubby and I often and be a regular part of our children's lives (God willing). So, in his name I pray for all priests, that they might find that communio of love in their parishioners and most ultimately in Christ Jesus.

Particularly in the context of the new evangelization, the people have a right to turn to priests in the hope of "seeing'' Christ in them (cf. Jn 12:21). The young feel the need for this especially; Christ continues to call them, to make them his friends and to challenge some to give themselves completely for the sake of the Kingdom. Vocations will certainly not be lacking if our manner of life is truly priestly, if we become more holy, more joyful, more impassioned in the exercise of our ministry. A priest "won'' by Christ (cf. Phil 3:12) more easily "wins" others, so that they too decide to set out on the same adventure. John Paul II Letter to Priests on Holy Thursday 2005

Triduum has begun: The office of Shadows...

My favorite moment from the Tenebrae service I went to tonight at the Dominican House of Studies in D.C. :

In the darkness a great noise, symbolizing the convulsion of nature at the Crucifixion, is heard.

Job in Denver

It's Sunday morning and I'm sitting at my computer desperately (ok maybe not desperately..lets say longingly) searching the parish websites of the Archdiocese of Denver in the hopes that I will run across one saying:

Perfect Young Adult Ministry Position Available:
Lead young single, married and religious deeper into their faith!
Pay: plenty enough for you and hubby-to-be to survive
excellent benefits
start: Mid July!
Graduate degree in Theology needed, John Paul II Institute preferred.

or something to that effect...

I'm not really having much luck. Why don't parishes think it's necessary to have ministries for their young adults? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

Does anybody have a job for me?

A loving environment?

My roommate and I were in the grocery store earlier this week when she saw a tabloid magazine from atleast 10 feet away and exclaimed "Is Katie Holmes really going to have a silent birth?!" Not having the slightest clue what she was talking about, I looked it up. Hrm, go figure, the First National Church of L. Ron Hubbard has another wacky doctrine;

The "TomKat" baby may be the most hotly anticipated celebrity birth of the season, but it is expected to be delivered in line with the little understood Scientology method of quiet or silent birth.
Cruise, 43, is one of the best known adherents of the Church of Scientology founded by L Ron Hubbard, who believed that the best possible start in life for a new baby is a calm and loving environment free of screaming obscenities, chatty doctors or shouts to "push".

How about an environment of two loving parents who are actually married, huh Tom? I mean do we have more serious things in a newborn "environment" to worry about than the presence of suffering? I'm gonna go with yes. Whats so bad about a child coming into the world knowing about suffering? We spend far too much time avoiding necessary and BEAUTIFUL suffering like childbirth anyway, in my opinion.

Why don't we put the screaming aside for a minute and start worrying about the babies who come into the world in a petri dish?

The greatest storyteller I've ever known...

Two months ago my grandfather passed away.

Two months already, wow. We sort of knew it was coming but I'm not sure that you can ever really be prepared for the death of a loved one can you? I've never lost anyone that close to me before and I have to say, thinking back on it all seems like it was a dream now. Even in the midst of the pain I was really moved by the beauty of it all. The closeness of my family, the way that we all truly grieved, together, on our own...all for him. I don't know if it's rare that grandchildren and great-grandchildren are so close to their grandfather but I like to believe that we are a special case. Watching my little cousins, the teenagers and the little ones alike truly mourn the loss of a wise old man who was and will always be the foundation of our family, was moving.
Coincidentally, I started writing a story about him a week before he died. I wrote one line and I havent touched it since;

"The greatest storyteller I've ever known was born in 1922."

Where do you go from there? How could I capture the life of this man; world war II vet, sheriff's deputy, farmer, meat inspector, musician, father and loving husband of 64 years? I tried to think of his best story but I couldn't. On the plane ride home to his funeral I tried again, through my tears, and again nothing.
I heard lots of stories that week, some I had never heard before and some that I've heard more times than I can count and we relived all that we knew of him through laughter and tears. At the wake and the funeral some 400+ visitors paid their respects. I kept waiting for the flow of people to taper off but it never did. How does an 84 year old man know so many people? They too shared stories with us of how he touched their lives or lightened their burden in some way. These people who we, his 8 grandchildren and 10 great grandchildren didn't know from a hole in the wall, knew every single one of us. "You're the one getting married aren't you?" "How is life in old DC these days?" " What are you going to do with a degree in Theology?""You've got his smile you know." And then it hit me.

We are his greatest story.

He loved more than anything else to talk about his children and grandchildren and he did so with love and pride in his voice. We can relive his life in our memories and his stories but more than anything in our blood, in our spirit as a family and in our connection with him in the body of Christ as our father. Our lives, our whole history and our whole future is the story of his life of love and fruitfulness.
I keep a picture of him next to my computer that was taken not long before he died. He's sitting in his rocking chair playing his accordian with a look on his face like he's about to tell a good one.
I miss him so much. Being so far from home detaches me from the grief somewhat but the moments when I think of him sting and the moments when I think of going home this summer remind me that he wont be sitting in his rocking chair when I drive down our street.
I wanted so badly to have that one story that contained all of him so that I could have him with me always. But you know what?

I have his smile.

Van Morrison must go to confession....

This is the song hubby to be and I will be dancing to at our wedding.........its our song.

Brand New Day - Van Morrison

When all the dark clouds roll away
And the sun begins to shine
I see my freedom from across the way
And it comes right in on time
Well it shines so bright
and it gives so much light
And it comes from the sky above
Makes me feel so free
makes me feel like me
And lights my life with love

Chorus:
And it seems like
and it feels like
And it seems like
yes it feels like
A brand new day, yeah
A brand new day

ohI was lost
and double crossed
With my hands behind my back
I was longtime hurt
and thrown in the dirt
Shoved out on the railroad track
I’ve been used,
abused and so confused
And I had nowhere to run
But I stood and looked
And my eyes got hooked
On that beautiful morning sun

Chorus

And the sun shines down
all on the ground
Yeah and the grass is oh so green
And my heart is still
and I’ve got the will
And I don’t really feel so mean
Here it comes,
here it comes
here it comes right now
And it comes right in on time
Well it eases me
and it pleases me
And it satisfies my mind

If Dr. Ruth met Pope John Paul II...

"An orgasm is just a reflex like a sneeze." Ruth Westheimer








"The subjective happiness which they (the couple) then share (in mutual orgasm) has the clear characteristic of the enjoyment which we have called 'frui', of the joy which flows between one's own actions and the objective order of nature" Karol Wojtyla

vulnerable memories

I'm feeling a little nostalgic tonight. I was looking for a quote earlier in an old journal and I started to read some of my entries. That's always good for a laugh right? Anyway, I've never been much of a poet. I guess I never quite understood how it was supposed to happen. Fiction seems kind of obvious to me. Ok, so I've only ever wrote one story that anyone else has ever read,(she shameless plug here) but thats beside the point. All this to say that I ran across this poem/reflection that I wrote one day over 3 years ago. It's so funny to see how I thought then. It's even funnier to see that I'm not such the different person that I think I am. I'm still the same me, only made new a few hundred times over again, and still wretched....we can't forget that. So anyway, for nostaligia's sake and for my own humility, here it is;

In the beginning was pure love's desire…to be loved and to love. A thought, a dream, a plan, and an understanding that freedom was required, for true love is a paradox: freedom choosing to bind itself.
In one eternal self-giving action the potential for true love was spun into being. The co-existence of order and novelty in its completion; Beauty in His image and likeness.
And so it was…and it was good.
But this princess soon turned her head from her King and caught a glimpse of the harlot within. It was in this image that she veiled herself, quickly forgetting her lover and His song. …yet he continued to sing with a broken heart, pure and alluring. He pursued her allowing her a life that is free, unbridled, provocative and beautiful. He leads her to the desert and allures her to himself and if she is quiet she will hear Him and come running back and His heart will again be made glad. She soon forgets however and goes running off again. So, to truly exhaust His inexhaustible love, He goes to her instead of simply calling her from afar. He casts off his kingly attire for rags and dust and seeks her in her own place and gives himself to her in love. In “courtship” He gives an invitation, never forcing, never wavering, waiting..."waiting is never disinterested passivity, but the highest form of interest in the other" (Jurgen Moltmann) It is hers to take or leave. If she accepts however and gives in to his pursuit of love she will no doubt be taken in, overcome. She will finally learn to sit in peace and listen to the words he speaks to her heart. There she will come to know His mind and His heart. She will feel His love for her and through sacrifice she will reside in joy and freedom. It is her choice... And if in the end He sees that she has truly chosen to love Him with all of her being. If both the harlot and the princess within have been spent in devotion, He will ask for her hand. He will ask her to join Him eternally as His bride. The heavenly banquet will be joy beyond understanding and there she will become one with Him and be caught up into the heavens.


You can cut the drama with a knife:)