The Hungry Soul...

I couldn't sleep last night.

I got up not long after trying to sleep and zombied into the living room to aimlessly search the net. I don't remember how it happend but I ended up on a site for online courses to be a certified personal trainer.

Go ahead, laugh, get it out of your system.


I laughed too. I mean, I'm easily 20 pounds overweight (which is still better than the 45-50 I used to be) and if I had to name my vice it would be overeating. But the truth is, I have a degree in Theology and if wretchedness were body fat I'd be morbidly obese. I guess we don't need to be perfect to help others do we?

So, here's the dream. It didn't just emerge last night though, I've thought about this for a long time. We gravitate toward our own illness don't we? People who survive cancer become motivational speakers to those still suffering. Mothers who've lost children to kidnapping begin foundations in their childs name to protect other children from the same fate. People have a desire to help others with the pain they themselves have experienced and ARE experiencing. What is my pain if not my sin and my lack of self control when it comes to food?

So, what do theology and the body have to do with each other? Everything. What if I were minimally trained in both and anointed by God to bless other people by teaching them the truth of their humanity, their womanhood, their manhood. What if people learned who it is that Christ reveals them to be in the WHOLE of their person? If we could get, or atleast work toward, the fact that our person is not something seperate from our body but that we ARE our body and are more than our body.
I'm not talking about some infomercial gimmick weight loss thing. What if I could be a "PERSONal" trainer, and meet with women like myself and help them find the dignity of their person in their body, mind, and spirit....together. I mean, ultimately it should be that health is just naturally what our life gravitates toward right? We shouldn't have to set aside an hour to 'work out' or a time in our life to 'diet'. I can't imagine Mother Mary stressing about her weight and struggling over that last slice of pita bread. People used to work and live in a way that they naturally burned the calories that they should and the foods they ate were natural and healthy anyway. I think seeking holiness has to include this. Also, it could be a way to educate people on the greater worth of their person...through the teachings of the Church.

Can a saint be overweight? It's a valid question. I think healthy people aren't necessarily on the path to holiness but I think seeking goodness for your whole self has got to be part of it. In some capacity? I don't know, I mean it's not like St. Therese was going out for a 15 mile run everyday, but then again food and activity probably held their proper place in her life.
Ya get me? Like, it's not normal for me to obsess about dieting or workout a million hours a day anymore than it is normal for me to overeat and be lazy. Food is something we should enjoy and mostly be thankful for because of how it nurtures our body but it shouldn't hold a place of priority in our life. It shouldn't be that which comforts me or that which pacifies me or that which owns me. It has been all of those things...and in some ways continues to be.

At about 2:30 a.m I finally decided I needed to go to bed. It took all I had not to wake hubby up to tell him about my new brilliant ideas. I figured that would be cruel since he was sound asleep. After a few minutes of tring to sleep again hubby got up because he decided it was too hot in the room to sleep. He went into the living room to read and I tried AGAIN to sleep. Got up again and read....tried to sleep again.

Finally! I guess around 4 I fell asleep. Ah.

At 4:30 hubby says (waking me cold out of a dead sleep) "Just so you know, there's a program that you can get that can help you to record sound online to input into the composition program on Mac."

Silence....

Are you serious? I've been trying to sleep since 11:30 and I FINALLY fall asleep and you decide this the optimal moment to wake me to tell me about a music recording program? This is a joke right? You're joking?

He wasn't joking.


So what do you think about all this?

what to do...

So, I hate to harp but short of ranting on Rosie AGAIN I'm afraid the topic at hand is my lack of employment.
I feel guilty now because I know I need to just get a job but I also feel paralized. I guess the little speck of hope in me still doesn't want to take a job that I'll just have to quit in two weeks when I find a REAL job...a job that allows what I've been given to be put to use. The logic there is good but since I haven't found a job in 5 months of searching away and the almost 3 months here I should probably put logic to rest and start serving coffee.

I know Mother Earthie knows what this is like...the waiting. It's so draining.

My ever running, overly analytical mind has gathered some perspective from this pain. I guess it's made me realize the extent that we ARE our bodies. My being has no creative outlet, no place to be fruitful or to give from all that God has given me. It has rendered me sterile and the social-psychological sterility has rendered my body tired, bored, disoriented and without passion or desire.

I'm scared to commit because I'm so committed.

I need to get a job.

*sigh*

any suggestions?

A Rose by any other name...

There was a story on 20/20 last night about how your name effects how you are perceived by others, even potential employers and spouses.

"There's new research that shows names may even tell us about more than just social background; a name may affect future decisions about marriage and career.

Psychologist Brett Pelham, who has studied hundreds of thousands of names, said they can significantly affect your life, even what profession you enter."

Mr. Pelham, who names his own son Lincoln (go figure), went on to say that statistically speaking, 'you are more likely to be attracted to a person who's first name begins with J and a person who's last name begins with S, especially St.
So I'm thinking, now that my last name doees in fact begin with St I'm already married....what good is that?

Also, why don't I have a job yet?

Double Standard?

yep, it's another "the view" rant...I just can't seem to get enough of that show these days, or maybe i'm just always getting too much of it.

Rosie decided today that she would catechise the free world on the Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality.

In speaking about some guy who apparently has come out of the closet (I missed the name because I was barely awake and still a little groggy on theraflu) She noted how he had lived his life in denial because he was raised Catholic and you know (paraphrase) 'Catholics...if you're homosexual you go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200.'

So there I was, barely awake 10 minutes and writing an email to Ms. O'Donnell. The gist of it was that I was sure she and i would dissagree about many things but one thing that I think we would agree on wholeheartedly is that to misrepresent a person or a group of people especially when you're speaking as such a high profile individual, is wrong. I think she would be outraged if someone made a false statement about people who struggle with homosexual tendancies and I don't appreciate her taking such liberties with the Church.
I'm sure she won't even see my email but I felt I had to write it. I feel like it's an outrage these days to offend anyone, except Catholics that is , probably all Christians. I'm not the only one either, Jay Leno made a joke in his monologue about it tonight. He said that NBC is monitoring Madonna's new concert that will air on their station because part of her act has her stretched out on a cross wearing a crown of thorns "and the station wanted to make sure she wasn't offending Muslims". He gets it, sort of.

I have blogged about Rosie lately and I do hold fast to the Churches 'real' teaching on homosexual which means that I disagree with her lifestyle. But I don't hate the woman and I wouldnt' slander her name even if anyone ever actually read my blog. So, I would like the same respect from her especially since so many stay at home Catholic mom's are subject to her 'view' everyday.

Maybe you should write an email to her too?



Read this Rosie:

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. [They do not choose their homosexual condition; for most of them it is a trial.] This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.
(CCC 2358-2359)

Does that sounds like a condemnation to hell?

Out of the loop..

Justin Timberlake says he's bringing Sexy back.

Now granted, I am sick and have been sleeping all day but did I sleep right through the "we're obsessed with sex" age right into an age that is suddenly morally aware and modest? Is sexy not in style anymore? Furthermore, who gave him authority to bring it back?

I once heard a chastity speaker state that "purity is sexy".....hrmm....is that an oxymoron? Am I?

Oh, but maybe....maybe he's bringing purity back?

you're right, probably not.

I'm gonna lay off the Theraflu....

Fascination

A couple of weeks ago I decided to flip through the September Magnificat. Sometimes I skip straight to the ;Day by Day' meditations after the gospel each day as if they were little fortune cookies that I couldn't wait to crack open. One in particular struck me and it happens to be the meditation for tomorrow's gospel. I'll let it speak for itself and then I'm going to bed. I think I'm starting to get sick.


Who do you say that I am?


Unless each one of us is fascinated by Christ, it is impossible for nothingness not to prevail even in us. We have not solved the problem; the drama goes on living in each one of us. The struggle is fought out in our hearts every day, in the personal, mysterious dialogue between the "I" of each of us and the fascination that is Christ. Without the victory of this fascination, we are finished...
We reduce reality to appearances and so we live a relationship with reality that has done away with the Mystery, the "something that is within every something." We can all see how true this is by simply asking ourselves what happened this morning. How many of us, as we looked at reality today, said, "You" to the Mystery that makes reality and that makes the "I" that woke up this morning? Who was moved with gratitude this morning because he is there, because the Mystery is there, because my "I" with all its limitations is already embraced by his presence?...
That is why the Mystery appeared in history; to set before our eyes an attraction strong enough to draw along our "I". Otherwise we are like a drifting mine, and everyone does just what he likes--not out of malice, but becauses we are not the ones to attach ourselves with our own strength; it is only this attraction that brings out a deep liking for Jesus in me. Once you have sensed this, you cannot fail to discover the need for his presence in anything you live ( I Am the One you are missing).

-Father Julian Carron

sweet...

I knew it would happen eventually...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/5341202.stm?ls

If I don't blog for a while, it's because I'm in Madrid :)


Cheetos on me!

Will work for purpose...

I have a cowlick.....did I know that? Random.

Anyway, I'm angry with God, just a little, and I'll tell you why.
I have no job, no career no seeming 'purpose' for the incredible education/formation that the Lord himself moved me "literally" to attain. Granted, if I had only gotten the education for the good of myself and possibly hubby (and future spawn) then that would be enough, but is that really the only reason? I feel as if it's not. It was/is/will be such a blessing to me. This education, experience, knowledge, community has changed my world, my person, hopefully my salvation and I have a strong yearning to share it. I mean St. Paul pretty much summed it up in the first reading today; "If I preach the Gospel, this is no reason for me to boast,for an obligation has been imposed on me, and woe to me if I do not preach it!" Woe indeed.
Honestly, moving to Denver was a hard thing for me to accept. i guess I'm ready to be in a place where I'm going to be for a while and, though I do love people wherever I am, I can't imagine being anywhere for the rest of my life unless it's Home. But this is where Hubby is and where he needs to be right now and so it is where home is for now and I believe, where I'm 'supposed' to be. So what does HE want from me?! I've waited, searched and said so many novenas that I think I now walk in groups of 9 steps..and still nothing. Does HE want me to work at Starbucks? Be a nanny? Sell my plasma? It's not that these don't have dignity but I want to 'use' (for lack of a better word) my education. But how do you force the hand of God? You can't and when He remains silent we can do nothing but sit in the silence and let it crack us open. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin.


And so...anger.

and it grows...

My 'View'

So I'm up this morning watching 'The View'. It just started 10 minutes ago, 2 commercial breaks and I can already feel my blood boiling. I know, I know, I'm asking for it. What am i doing watching this show anyway? Because I'm both not of this world and consumed by it, a tension, I think which causes suffering. Something i could use from time to time. I know too much comfort and convenience. But i digress. Ever since Rosie has become the new host I have this weird fascination with the show. Granted, I've only watched it 3 times in the two weeks that she's been on but still, it's like a car wreck. I can't look away but it upsets me so much.
I have nothing against Rosie per se. She seems like a really fun and genuine human being. When she had her old show in fact people used to tell me that I reminded them of her, my humor I guess. I think she's a pretty lady and she seems to be kind and to love her children very much. I sort of hurt for her because I know she yearns to flourish as a woman and she keeps hitting a wall. Her desires to flourish come from a good place, pure and very human but the outlet is confused. And then what do you do with something like this? Say that it isn't there? It's too late for that, it's beginning to soak in and now, worse than the whole concept being 'surprising' or shocking....it's just normal. I think thats what upset me the a most the first day I saw her on the show. Her homosexuality and relationship with another woman weren't spoken of as an 'issue' or something that needed to be hashed out but just as her life, which it is. As Meredith would have spoken about her husband and children, doing that thing that a host does, inputting endearing little life moments into the opening monologue, Rosie spoke of her 'life partner' and her children. And they made it look like nobody flinched, and it made me afraid.
Afraid sounds like a strong word for something that seems harmless like a relationship of love. Confused love maybe, but love no doubt. But afraid is exactly what I am precisely BECAUSE it seems harmless. We think we live in a free country but the tanks and bombs that keep us opressed are worse than those across the ocean, they are silent and come in the form of tolerance. I realize that if you are some random person who has stumbled upon my blog that i am coming across as a close minded right-winger a domestic radical if you will. The thing is those people are as messed up as the other side, in some ways more so but thats a totally different post. What I am is someone who wants everyone to stand in the tension of "we love love love people" people who struggle with homosexuality are people with the same unimaginable dignity as anybody else. The Catechism in fact says that these people have an opportunity to attain holiness that we don't necessarily have precisely because of the cross they are asked to carry. The tension lies in the fact that we must say, we love you AND we know you are wrong. We want you to be happy, holy, healthy and the most fully human that you can possibly be AND this outlet of an active homosexual relationship is disordered. Not because I said so, or because the Church has deemed it so but because there is a truth to being human, there are many truths and they are imbedded in our bodies and our history and our biology and our souls and same sex -sexual relationships are not in harmony with our humanity.
So why does it seem so harmless? Because thats the way that harmful disordered realities disguise themselves. Sin and evil is not the obvious opposite of good, most times it looks alot like what is good and true. Why else would it be attractive and confusing and seem so normal. It comes in the disguise of wholeness and twists itself just enough to be broken.
Without words or explanation we could look at our bodies and see how they fit, see how they work (in the norm)...assymetrical reciprocity.....big words for giving and taking differently. There is an order to things within the similarity. Man and women both give and take in a different order. Our bodily organs are not what makes us man or woman, they are a reflection and a participation of that. The difference brings about fruitfulness and 'sameness' in this case, does not.

and now they are amazed and shocked at a guest because she has 3 children and one on the way. I don't have the energy yet to disgust the fear of children......I haven't had my coffee yet.

Letters that won't ever get sent...

Dear produce guy,

I love you.

I love you for the smile that you so willingly give me at 8 in the morning and I love you for the care with which you stack the peaches. I love you because you say with such pleasant tone, "Good morning! How are you today?" in a world where kind salutations are very few and Oh so far between. On days when it seems that nothing is certain, I know that you will be there with your veggie hose in one hand and your cart stocked with pre-packaged salad by your side. Thank you for your fresh bell peppers and your 2 for 1 organic onions. I am indebted to your unwavering commitment to my fruit and forever grateful for your service to the food industry.

Sincerely,

Girl with the list.

Dear Walker Texas Ranger,

Your hard work and and brave crime fighting skills have provided me with many a Friday night of quality time with my grandfather who has now left us and who I miss very much. Thank you for the gift of an old time western conveniently packaged in the drama of a crime-solving mystery. You truly are one of the last old-fashioned hero's. I hold you in the highest esteem for the work that you do and the lives that you change. As 'somewhat of a' fan there is one question that I've always wanted to ask you; Were you made fun of as a child for having Texas as a middle name?

Your padna,

Girl on the couch

Dear makers of NuVa Ring,

What the hell are you thinking?! As if ANY form of artificial birth-control wasn't bad enough, a pill or shot that effectively (sometimes) alters your bodies state of doing that thing it does, namely, functioning properly, has now become inconvenient! A patch to stop the creation of a child and a soul that will exist for all eternity as if it's a weight problem or an attempt to kick the habit of smoking?! Noooo, still too burdonsome, standing in the way of freedom to be a woman? Poppycock! You are a disgrace to humanity and your propaganda will cause a never ending spiral of humanity into the depths of immorality. You have created a ring to be inserted into a woman's beautiful body once a month that will effectively block out life and fruitfullness and essentially rob a woman of being a mother. I hope you are pleased with your work and your evil dreams don't keep you from a peaceful night's rest.

I remain,

Disgusted.


So, I should probably actually send the last one. Have you seen this commercial? Are you kidding me? I used to throw my shoes at the Ortho Evra patch commercials. I don't have anything big enough to throw at this one. Ugh.

Sappy Post......

*warning- unusual sappyness and lofty blogging ahead...*



Hubby and I were driving down our street earlier this evening when the sun was almost gone. You know, that time when the houses that otherwise stand still on your street suddenly light up and you can see all the life inside. It's always amazing to me to catch a glimpse into the richness of other people's lives. It's unexpected. It's 'wonder' full. I think of all the complexities that go on in my own home, the decorations that i carefully chose and placed in their spot, the memories that live in pictures and little keepsakes, the laughter that hubby's rediculous antics evoke in me and the not so pleasant moments when I'm happy that our walls aren't glass, and it makes me marvel that the house next door contains it's own memories and happiness and grief. Not to mention a whole world of complexities and life and tragedy in every house on every street around the world. It's beautiful really to think of all of those houses lighting up every evening when the sun goes down. It was an appropriate reflection today as everyone remembers 9/11 --5 years ago. There is no shortage of memorial program on television this evening and each one shows a sea of faces grieving and loving and fearing. Each one their own little house lighting up with life for the rest of us to glimpse into for just a moment. Gosh...it makes me just want to repent for those moments when I darn near hate the garbage men for waking me up at 7.a.m. on Saturday and when I become seriously impatient with the barista because she made me a mocha instead of a white mocha. I want to repent and apologize to each person individually and ask them all 'who' they are and where they came from. But i wont, because we don't do that.... Or do we? I think in moments of unimaginable tragedy, like 9/11 or the death of our own loved ones we are moved to stop and repent and reflect and then to encounter each other with the wonder and intensity that our human dignity deserves. It makes me want to love......which is, I'm sure, God's plan from the beginning. The whole reality that God IS Love - Deus Caritas Est! gains new perspective when I think of all of these dynamic beings of life and memories and experience and action that he has created and even now continues to breathe into existance. He loves each one with the full reality of all of their history and mess and personality, He loves them to the depths of their potential and in spite of their guilt and he is ever amazed at them as if the sun is always down and the lights are always already showing life within. We grow bored of how amazing humans are so quickly and so frequently. Another call to childlikeness....

"Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening. "Do it again" to the moon. it may n ot be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we." Orthodoxy, G.K. Chesterton

Technical Difficulties

Okay, extreme lack of jobness has bestowed upon "refusal to grasp" a totally new look. Enjoy it...but be patient with me as I work out the kinks!

my tech savvy-ness

Check out my new slide show thingy on the side bar. Technology both amazes me and scares the heck out of me.

St. Joseph, Bday of BVM and a california roll.

Currently: Watching the movie "Hoodwinked". - It's almost as bad as Doogal. Almost.


I've watched a lot of movies lately and two entire seasons of 24. I dream of covert missions in my sleep.

Partly this is due to the fact that we don't have cable and only recently got an antenna (we now catch 3 spanish stations and an equal number of televangelist networks. joy.) In all honesty though, a lack of cable shouldn't keep a bibliophile like myself in front of a television for so many hours a day. The real reason for my apathy has been due to the fact that I just cannot find a job. For two months in Louisiana I did nothing but prepare for the wedding everyday and spend time with family (save for a 2 week stretch of substitute teaching). It was a welcomed rest from school and I was so busy addressing envelopes and working out that I never wished once that I had more to occupy my time. When we finally got here it was sorta fun to have all this time to spend together and furnish our little abode and explore the new city. About 3 weeks ago however, I reached my limit.

I don't get depressed often but the feeling of a lack of "purpose" in my life hit me so hard that at first I didn't even realize why I was sad. Thank God he blessed me with the greatest husband in the world who handled me with love, patience and as many Non fat White Mochas as I could handle. Now I'm the first one to wax poetic about how it's not what you 'do' that makes you who you are and that being human is a tremendous purpose in itself. Furthermore, I agree with my professors and JPII himself that 'to be' a woman and a human for me means precisely 'to be' a mother. Hubby and I both agree that God is calling us to remedy our financial problems, at least partially, before we physically become parents (though I have to admit that I think we'd both be happy if the good Lord surprised us early :) but a marriage is fruitful from the first moment right? We bear fruit to each other and to others in lots of ways everyday. I agree. There are some ways however which I personally yearn to give myself to others- namely in sharing with them the blessing I've received in my education and experience. When there is no outlet for such a gift I feel sterile (for lack of a better word) and depression set in.

This week after having 'words' with the Lord and some gentle encouragement from Hubby I decided to stop wallowing in my sadness and get myself straight. I discovered reading again, which I always love. I became a bit obsessed with long pensive walks and I blew the dust off of my little blog page here. I also decided to put some time on my movement. I began a novena, yet again, to the giver of all gifts, through the intercession of the patron of workers (and one of my personal patrons) St. Joseph, to find a job that might allow me to make use of the gift of my education in the service of others. The novena ends on Monday. If no such job should present itself then on Tuesday i will look for other employment...Starbucks, or a nanny job, something I can do until...

Consequently, a very small possibility presented itself today. I actually nothing to report about it just yet but until I know more please please keep me in your prayers.

On a lighter note, today is the Birthday of our Holy Mamma.....Mary! I order everyone reading this...all 2 of you...to go out and celebrate this joyous occasion. Have some cake and sing a little ditty of "happy birthday to you", even if it's just to yourself before you go to sleep. She is the morning star and the cause of our joy....not to mention that she embodies all that we are to be as creatures, women and mothers!

Lets go eat some sushi!

Marriage 101: One of these things is not like the other

Three months ago I blogged about my bridal shower - simultaneous with the funeral of my grandmother. A week later Hubby's family threw me another bridal shower and the very next day his grandmother passed away. He says she was waiting for him to come home, and that she did.
I've realized in these past few months of funerals and letting go that I have this odd ability to be both truly present in grief and also standing outside of myself in analysis. This particular week of wedding prep and death called for even more reflection than even my silly soul usually grants. It's as if people felt especially compassionate to the two of us, probably because it was "supposed" to be a time of happiness for us. Not that I should have but I never felt cheated out of the happiness of the season. As kitsch as it sounds it really was a time when the 'circle of life' revealed itself with special clarity. Life and death, endings and new beginnings....they really are one thing aren't they? These losses coupled with our joyous event also brought about some interesting character development of those around us. My father, who was indeed a "mamma's boy", handled the death of his 94 year old mother without much emotion at all. Lack of emotion is pretty typical for my dad, though I guess I expected this to be a breaking point. I was the only one with him when he got the phone call that she had finally passed away and God blessed me with being able to share that beautifully intimate moment with him when he did crack, just a little. Mom-in-law was sad when her own mother passed away, but it was amazing how her transformation from her own suffering to freedom was actually visible. The confidence that her childlike faith gave her told her that her mother was now in a better place and hurting no longer. That realization released a cross from her shoulders that actually made her stand a little taller in the following weeks of our wedding. Dad-in-law usually distant and work oriented rose to the occasion of his wife's grief with exceptional kindness and attentiveness. Not only that but the joy of his oldest son's wedding moved him to give us the greatest gift we could have imagined ( though a house would have been nice) ; the gift of his own return to God. He returned to both the Sacrament of Confession and the Eucharist after 20 years or so of silence. Mom in law happily reports that he has been to Mass every Sunday since.
Hubby and I decided we wanted to bring in our nuptials with a novena to the Holy Spirit. We used the simple prayer 'Veni Sancti Spiritus' along with our own praises and petitions to the Holy Spirit. The novena ended on the 9th day, July 7th at 7p.m as I walked down the aisle and earthie's beautiful beautiful voice filled the Church with the same prayer..."Veni Sancti Spiritus....Come Holy Spirit!" And though I usually get nervous for anything that puts me at the center of attention, the Holy Spirit filled me with so much peace that I walked down the aisle without one irrational nerve to get in my way and just the beautiful smile of my groom inviting me to the altar. When I finally made it to him and my dad placed my hand and his together he whispered in my ear the song of Adam, "Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh...". Nice huh? Best of all, my dad didn't rip the veil off of my head as he pulled it away from my face! As you can imagine, the rest of the wedding followed suit and the reception was, if I may say so with humility, the best damn party I've ever been to in my life!

Fast forward honeymoon, drive to Denver, moving in to our 450 sq foot villa and getting acquainted with the city in one grey Corolla....and that brings me here to my grey couch watching roses bloom through the living room window and listening to hubby play classical music on his guitar in our bedroom some 5 feet away. Thus ends the sappy portion of the blog.

Reality.

The most profound reality of marriage that I've experienced so far is this....

that He and I are different.

Shocking, I know but it's true. This person, who I have given my life to in Jesus Christ, and who I might add has been my best friend for some 8 years, does many many things in ways that i do not do those same things. Those of you not yet married may be thinking that having studied at the John Paul II Institute for marriage and family might have brought this reality to my attention sooner but I say to you, judge not. Those of you married, i suspect, know exactly what I'm talking about. Sure, we've known each other for the better part of a decade now but being a respectable Catholic couple we have never shared the same space in the way that we do now. One of my favorite classes at the Institute was entitled 'Space, Time and Gender' and I tell you it makes more sense to me everyday. The fecundity of a marriage is brought about precisely because of difference, most obviously in gender but daily and in much more subtle ways through the collaboration of time and the sharing of space. Everybody knows we are different in gender, it's obvious, but the speed in which I do daily activities and the way I Inhabit my personal space? Different, totally and utterly different. The beauty is now how we figure out how to share these things and allow them to penetrate each others reality...then there is fruit. We're still figuring that whole thing out. Case and point:

*standing in our 4X4 kitchen putting away leftovers*
Hubby: "Is that how you've always closed a zip lock bag?"
Me: "Uh....yeah, why?
Hubby: "Oh, no reason, I guess, it's just not the way I do it."
Me: "Uh.....ok"
Hubby: "I mean, you don't squeeze all the air out of it first to retain the freshness?"
Me: "Are you serious?"
Hubby: "It's not a big deal....sorry"
Me: "it's ok"
Hubby: "It's just not the way I've always done it, thats all"

And the zip lock bag was only the beginning, soon to be followed by other episodes entitled; "Is that how you park a car?" "Is that how you fold a bath towel?" and my personal favorite "Is that how you order food at Chik-fil-A?"
Sometimes it's me asking the question, sometimes it's him, but its always a little frustrating, this beautiful realization of the complete 'otherness' of my spouse.

It really is all about space, time and gender.

Anyway, I've blabbed long enough. Tomorrow I'll bore you with the trials of not being able to find relevant employment. Pray for the Lord to have mercy on my soul. :)

Until then, more pictures!

I'm tempted to try and write a blog that catches my theoretical "readers" up on what's been going on in my life but aside from the painful truth that I probably no longer have any readers (except good mother earthie who is caught up anyway) I'm afraid I might not get to writing anything else and that will kill the sudden impulse that I have to do so.

So here I am in a groovy artsy local coffee shop in my neighborhood in Denver sitting next to a group of guys who on the surface seem to be social outcasts but as I listen and learn more seem like complete weirdos. I mean weirdo in a good way of course, they march to their own beat, color outside the lines....you know the drill. And they read poetry, currently racking their brains to interpret what the author could have possibly meant in the third stanza by "the tree". On the couch across from me is a very trendy young couple taking a break to fawn upon each other before she dives back into her novel and he goes back to his, no doubt riveting, book entitled "Anesthesia and co-existing disease". I'm glad somebody studies this stuff. The coffee table in the center of the room has everybody's favorite page turner, "Women and the crisis in sex hormones" and as I rip my eyes away from it and glance into the adjoining room I see an overly giddy lesbian couple pretending to have their noses buried in a book. Yep....this aint Starbucks.

Hubby and I have been talking a lot lately about liturgy and what exactly a renewal...resourcement...resuscitation? of music in liturgy might look like...ok..SOUND like. I think one of his favorite images concerning the liturgy is from our beloved Pappa Bene in his book "The Spirit of Liturgy". He likens our participation in the Mass to that of children playing. As children play teacher or house or fireman so too do we "play" heaven in the Sacred Liturgy. This is a beautiful image and it's caused some serious reflection on my part lately. When we speak of it I instantly want to speak of where the analogy falls short (as if I have a critique of Ratzinger) how our "playing" heaven in the Mass is not simply pretending but a real participation in the marriage supper of the Lamb. But as I let it set a little deeper I'm not so quick to dissect the image. There is something very real present when a child pretends. I can recall as a kid having imaginary friends. I can recall hours of playing with them and hours of playing house with my friends in the schoolyard. But I can't recall us all sitting down to check on each others mental clarity of the situation. "Susie, you do realize that we are just imagining hypothetical situations and that there is no tea in those cups?" * note: as I type this a family with two children walk in and almost instantly begin to play "dogs"...priceless*
Sure, I guess if you asked most well adjusted children what 'pretending' means they'll probably say something about it being 'not real' but there is a level to their playing that invites reality despite what they, or their parents say. We embody that same reality (to its fullest) when we participate in the 'work' of liturgy.

I'm just gonna sit with that and reflect as the barking gets louder.

For those of you who used to read this blog and stumble upon it now in the desperate hopes that there may be a new post. I will leave you with a picture of our wedding. Consider it a preview to a later blog.