strolling, gum and NO comments

It's Friday so I'm gonna give my usual lengthy, heavy-weighted posts a breather, and just throw a couple random thoughts at ya.

1. GUM
a. why is it that the new packs of gum (you know the one's in the slide out square little packs) have packaging inside that crinkles when you push the gum out? Is it special material to keep the gum fresh? If so, why don't the traditional packs (where the gum is wrapped in paper) have it? Or is it so that the pack will make a distinct noise and train our ears (pavlov's dog) to the sound of a pack of gum being opened so that we'll want more and buy more?
b. why is it that when I chew minty flavored gum drinking cold water is unbearably cold? (I know some genius science person knows the answer to that one)

2. STROLLING
As I was walking back home from Mass this morning I found myself on the sidewalk behind an elderly lady. She was walking particularly slow and I didnt want to be rude and pass her up so I slowed down myself. Then I noticed that she wasn't walking slow because she was unable to walk faster. She was strolling. Taking in the air, the flowers, the beautiful weather.
I never stroll. I'm always in a hurry, even if there's not much need to be. So I decided to make a conscious effort to stroll today. I did pretty well but I had to keep reminding myself because, like I said, it just doesn't come naturally to me. I noticed lots of things that I don't usually notice by strolling. I noticed that there is a peculiar tree outside the student center that bends so much that it requires chains to hold it up. The leaves are beautiful and they cascade over the side like curtains but the little tree can't hold the weight. Very Sad, the chains, not the tree.
I noticed that when the weather is nice, everyone looks happier. And most of all I noticed (as the old lady probably already knew) that strolling is contagious.

3. NO Comments....

I put a counter on the bottom of my page out of curiosity. I wanted to see how many times my one faithful reader clicked on the page everyday. Come to find out, one faithful reader must not actually have a day job. The page has been clicked on over a hundred times in the last few days. Subtracting the 98 or so times that I click on it leads me to only one conclusion....there must be atleast two faithful readers...
Just for fun, if you are reading this right now leave a comment in the comment box, preferably answering my gum conundrums, or just saying hey....it's me...anonymous faithful reader number 2.

For me?

Upon these things of Beauty

VATICAN CITY, MARCH 29, 2006 (Zenit.org).- The Church faces the challenge of understanding how beauty can be a "way of evangelization and dialogue," says the Pontifical Council for Culture.

Indeed.

Beauty has been a topic of great interest in me for some time now. Being a woman, and an an american one at that, it's almost imposible not to reflect on beauty daily, in some way. It definitely seems that the world has it's own idea of beauty and like it or not we still call this place home. So, we're caught between what the world tells us we should be and the sneaking suspicion that we are and should be so much more. I was happy to see that the Cardinals are reflecting on the power of beauty in evangelization. Beauty is what leads us to truth. But it's tricky....if we follow wordly beauty to find truth we end up reading Cosmo as Gospel.

I found a paper that I wrote on beauty for my Moral Theology class here at the Institute, back in my first semester, and I've posted some excerpts here;

On the one hand it seems that beauty, as they say, is in the eye of the beholder. And yet there is something profoundly objective about beauty. It is something our words fall short of and yet obvious to us when we encounter it. Beauty is striking and it stirs us to awe and wonder. Joseph Pieper noted that in its original sense beauty is “the glow of the true and good irradiating from every ordered state of being, and not in the patent significance of immediate sensual appeal” Beauty is so rarely thought of as a form or ordered state of being that to even speak of it that way makes it sound grey, stoic and anything but beautiful.

When we free ourselves from sin and allow grace to transform us “from one degree of glory to another”we can then experience with Christ the fullness of that which we see embodied so well in those in love. The beloved becomes truly beautiful, not in an artificial way but in a way that is truer than most things experienced in life. This beauty attracts us to that which is truly good because at the heart of it is true love in response to a gratuitous gift. Worldly beauty can then be redeemed by the gaze of the bridegroom. Even that which does not appear ‘beautiful’ by the worlds standards can be revealed as extraordinarily exquisite when seen through the eyes of love.
“The Transfiguration hearkens back to Moses’ own encounter with the divine in the form of the burning bush, and it looks forward to the mysterious post-Resurrection body of Jesus. In each instance, glory is experienced as a transformation that does not consume or destroy what is being transformed. The ordinary becomes extraordinary without becoming something wholly other.”(Wolfe)

In Karol Wojtyla’s dramatic meditation on Matrimony; The Jewelers Shop, Andrew explains this very transformation in his heart for Theresa; “beauty accessible to the senses can be a difficult gift or a dangerous one; I met people led by it to hurt others—and so gradually I learned to value beauty accessible to the mind, that is to say, truth.”
How are we then to order our sense of beauty? If beauty is objective can we in fact order the way in which we perceive it? Yes, in a sense. I believe we can (and must if we are to strive for holiness) reorder our sense of beauty. I say reorder because this new idea of beauty is already part of the plan that is in us, and is in fact nothing new at all. It is the objective sense of beauty that already ultimately attracts our desire. This worldly sense of beauty which I have referred to is merely the truth that has been twisted by our sin, evil, and social influence. Worldly beauty strives ultimately for selfish satisfaction; “an object unduly possessed”. With this sense of beauty we do perceive something as beautiful because of the goodness reflected in it but because it is only the yearning of our senses that drive us toward the object with an intent to capitalize on it and not a self-giving love of the object for its own sake. Thus this type of beauty is self interested and seeks ultimately to grasp the object in order to possess it and use it for our own sake.
A proper sense of beauty by contrast, is not self interested, “it is a refusal to grasp and an indefectible adherence to Him who gives” and therefore paradoxically, by its very nature, is the cause of our delight. This sense of beauty is love and as such not only seeks not to grasp the beloved, but seeks in fact to give of self because it is also beckoned by the other. As Hans Urs Von Balthasar states, “A being appears, it has an epiphany: in that it is beautiful and it gives itself, it delivers itself to us: it is good. And in giving itself up, it speaks itself, it unveils itself: it is true(in itself, but in the other to which it reveals itself)”.






“Too late have I loved you, O Beauty so ancient and so new, too late have I loved you! Behold, you were there within me while I was outside: it was there that I sought you, and, a deformed creature, rushed headlong upon these things of beauty which you have made. You were with me, but I was not with you. They kept me far from you, those fair things which, if they were not in you, would not exist at all.” St. Augustine

Thoughts on beauty?

grace-full

Today in Sacramentality of Marriage (class) Padre talked about the grace received in marriage (both in the ceremony and throughout the lives of the spouses). He said that when the spouses freely will to love one another in Christ that Christ takes up that love into his own offering of love for the Father. The Father then takes up that love of the Son, fully receiving what is truly and uniquely the subjectivity of the spouses love, and offers an overabundant gift of His love in response. That gift IS the Holy Spirit. That gift IS communion.

"In marriage the Holy Spirit grants to the spouses something of His own mode of being a communion of persons." Cardinal Marc Oullette

So the spouses then not only signify the love of Christ for His Church but they participate in that same trinitarian love in a very real way. That, my friends, is the grace that is given in marriage. That is the grace denied in radical ways everyday by couples. The gift of the Holy Spirit who is the union and fruitfulness of marriage. Kicked to the curb.

I've been waiting a long time for that grace, though the profundity of it hit me a little harder today. Hubby to be and I have talked and prayed so much about what it means to be 'open to life' even when you discern that there might be a serious reason not to conceive. That has weighed heavy on my heart for a long time and little by little I see God lifting the weight and putting peace in its place. I think continually being vulnerable to this gift of the Spirit....that's got to be what it means to be open. To allow God himself to permeate every area of your marriage, of your being; God's spirit who is himself fruitfulness...

It's all too much.

Padre also talked today about how the Holy Spirit is not just present at the ceremony. We have to see how from the very beginning of the spouses relationship with one another; how they met, how their friendship developed, how they fell in love etc., is all saturated with the Spirit. Human preference, he said, is more than just the attraction and interest in the other, it is God calling us to himself through the other person...from day one.

I couldn't help but smile to myself when he said this. Many many memories came flooding back to me at that moment. I'm not sure why God has given me the grace to see this but from the very beginning I've known that God was calling me to a deeper relationship with Him through hubby to be, even when we were just friends. He is the first man that I really allowed myself to see, in a sense. He was the first man I saw pray with fear and total love in his eyes and then he called me to do the same. He had no idea what he was doing. As our friendship grew, I felt closer and closer to God and as a result I wanted to be closer and closer to HTB. Even in the years when I had such strong feelings for him and, as padre said "there was no echo on the other side" he never ceased to draw me closer to God in subtle yet persistant ways. Our story is flooded with signs of the Spirit and it's totally obvious, yet I still manage to impede grace everyday.

Lord, help me to be open.

baby love...my baby love

A friend of mine gave birth to a beautiful baby girl tonight. This is the second beautiful child that she has given birth to, both without medication. Can we say Superwoman?

The whole "child coming out of your womb" thing kinda scares me a little if we're gonna be honest here. It's one of those situations that you find yourself in and suddenly realize there's only one way out, kinda like life. "We must do the thing we think we cannot do" Eleanor Roosevelt once said. Indeed.
It seems all of my girlfriends are having babies these days. There will be 5 babies under 1 1/2 at my wedding all belonging to my friends. Crazy. Part of me can't wait to be a mother..most of me has no problem waiting to give birth. I know when the time comes though I will never have experienced such a blessing in my life.
I can't imaging loving a person more than I love hubby to be but then I think of a person created in the love of myself AND hubby to be......and it takes my breath away.

Superwoman asked me to be the godmother of her beautiful girl. It very nearly brought me to tears right there in the kitchen as I brewed my tea. This isn't the first time that I've been asked to be a godmother but I think it's the first time that I get it, even if I don't get it at all.

Can we be more than mothers and fathers? Dr. S used to ask this question in class often.

"Spiritual parenthood, as a sign of the inner maturity of the person, is the goal which in diverse ways all human beings, men and women alike, are called to seek within or outside matrimony. This call fits into the gospel summons to perfection of which the father is the supreme model. So then, human beings will come particularly close to God when this spiritual parenthood, of which God is the prototype, takes shape in them." Karol Wojtyla Love and Responsibility

Lost and Found

March 23, 2006

Sometimes I'm not sure if things around me are truly showing some sign of hope in that they signify the truth of a theological anthropology or if I'll just never be normal again after studying here. I suspect the latter though I'm willing to be proven wrong.

Lately I've found myself with a new obsession; the television series Lost. In an effort to motivate myself to have long workouts at the gym I began downloading episodes of the first season onto my ipod so that I could watch them as I trudged along on the treadmill. Now 3 weeks later I find myself completely wrapped up in the lives of these fictional characters and nearing the end of season one. Now that I"m done with my comprehensive exams (which I passed by the way!) and having finished my midterm paper today I have a little more time to 'waste' doing trivial things like become obsessed with the passengers of Oceanic Air Flight 815.

I don't know what it is about the show that has me so hooked. It could very well just be that it is well made and I'm a sucker for a good story. I am noticing however, that the story lines and the issues the characters deal with from episode to episode have a novelty to them. I keep noticing very deep themes that seem to almost hint at the true the good and the beautiful. Granted, the show also shows that humans will be humans (in the violent sense) with or without civilization but I suppose they had to get the 'normal' people hooked somehow. Personally, I'm enthralled by the fact that there is concern, meditation and growth through issues such as 'what does it mean to have killed someone? How to work through the very toughest issues in relationships? How do we respect bodies? How do we form a community? Or maybe I just think that Charlie is cute. (Unlike Happy Catholic who thinks he's annoying) Whatever the case may be....people are so interesting no?

p.s. If you watch the show, one faithful reader, don't tell me whats happening in the current episode. I'm not there yet!

Talithacumi!

March 22, 2006

I have too many thoughts running through my head right now to sufficiently put them into words. But, since "radical insufficiency" (as my beloved roommate is fond of saying) has never stopped me from expressing myself before, I blog.

In adoration tonight as I was flipping through the Gospels looking for something specific I found something that I wasn't looking for at all, but that I highly suspect was looking for me. My prayer was somewhat in desperation, trying to make sense of some thoughts and feelings I've been having the past few days. I'm not very good at taking up residence in that threshold between confusion and clarity. I usually try to force my way into clarity and end up, eventually, in chaos. So (being Lent and all) I'm trying to just let myself be in the discomfort and see what God makes of it. Feeling very weighted down by this dis-order in my heart, my fingers fumbled upon a page in Mark's Gospel where I had one little sentence underlined.

"Little girl, I say to you arise."

All at once I felt both the authority and the immense love directed at me in that statement. Jesus wasn't throwing me a pity party and he surely wasn't playing into my fears and trepidation by letting me believe things are so bad. He was commanding me, now, to get up. "Talithacumi! and immediately the girl got up and walked" (Mk 5:41) For some reason the fact that Mark puts the Aramaic word here was especially important. I could actually hear Jesus' forming this word in his mouth. "Talithacumi"was an actual word he said in his lifetime. And, he didn't say "you" get up or even just "arise", he said 'little girl'.

I'm rambling I know but it's only because I haven't quite figured out where I should be arising to. Also, it's 12:15 and it's time for me to sleep so that I can 'arise' in the morning. Hah! I crack myself up. Sorry for the random post one faithful reader. I promise more substance tomorrow.

The 'new' feminism

Two of our classes are covering the topic of homosexuality this week; Redemption of Sexuality and Consitutional Law. For our Law class we read 2 chapters out of Jonathan Katz' book 'Inventing Heterosexuality'. There he makes the claim that heterosexuality is a distinction that arose in the 70's and is part of an oppressive society that insists upon making distinctions regarding sexual orientation and gender. Katz would like a world where such distinctions were not made and all types of love are considered 'normal'.

The interesting thing about this Radical school of homosexuality is that they, at the very least, get that the whole issue, THE question if you will, is about who we are as humans and it's got everything to do with being bodied individuals. Unlike their liberal counterparts who claim that there should be neutrality regarding sexual orientation, the Radical view does not pretend not to have an agenda and they don't pretend that none of it matters on a social, ontological and anthropological level. That being said, there are obvious and blatant problems here.

One quote from the book gave a self proclaimed account of what it means to be a Radicalesbian;
"As the source of self-hate and the lack of real self are rooted in our male-given identity, we must create a new sense of self. As long as we cling to the idea of 'being a woman,' we will sense some conflict with that incipient self, that sense of it, that sense of a whole person. It is very difficult to realize and accept that being 'feminine' and being a whole person are irreconcilable. Only women can give each other a new sense of self. That identity we have to develop with reference to ourselves, and not in relation to men. This consciousness is the revolutionary force from which all else will follow, for ours is an organic revolution."

An organic revolution indeed. My heart broke so many times as I read these chapters. These women who supposedly want so badly to deny their status as women are swinging for all they have at some shadow of the truth.

On the contrary, John Paul II's whole 'nuptial imagery' speaks of the dignity of being a woman and why, being a bodily, gendered, human has EVERYTHING to do with who we are, not in the sense that it opresses us or strips us of our freedom, quite the opposite, embracing who we are shows us who we are and finally frees us to be most fully human.

"Unless we refer to this order and primacy we cannot give a complete and adequate answer to the question about women's dignity and vocation. When we say that the woman is the one who receives love in order to love in return, this refers not only or above all to the specific spousal relationship of marriage. It means something more universal, based on the very fact of her being a woman within all the interpersonal relationships which, in the most varied ways, shape society and structure the interaction between all persons - men and women. In this broad and diversified context, a woman represents a particular value by the fact that she is a human person, and, at the same time, this particular person, by the fact of her femininity. This concerns each and every woman, independently of the cultural context in which she lives, and independently of her spiritual, psychological and physical characteristics, as for example, age, education, health, work, and whether she is married or single." (Mulieris Dignitatem 29)

"A woman's dignity is closely connected with the love which she receives by the very reason of her femininity; it is likewise connected with the love which she gives in return. The truth about the person and about love is thus confirmed. With regard to the truth about the person, we must turn again to the Second Vatican Council: "Man, who is the only creature on earth that God willed for its own sake, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of self".59 This applies to every human being, as a person created in God's image, whether man or woman. This ontological affirmation also indicates the ethical dimension of a person's vocation. Woman can only hand herself by giving love to others." (30)

Many are called but few are chosen

March 20th, 2006 St. Joseph's Feast Day!!!

"Then he said to his servants, "The wedding is ready, but those invited were not worthy. Go therefore to the thoroughfares and invite to the marriage feast as many as you find." And those servants went out into the streets and gathered all whom they found, both bad and good; so the wedding hall was filled with guests. But when the king came in to look at the guests, he saw there a man who had no wedding garment; and he said to him, "Friend, how did you get in here without a wedding garment?" And he was speechless. Then the king said to the attendants, "Bind him hand and foot, and cast him into the outer darkness; there men will week and gnash their teeth." For many are called, but few are chosen." (Matthew 22:8-14)

The part of the story that Matthew leaves out here is that the Queen had limited the guest list to 200 people and nobody listened to her. And you know what they say, When the Queen aint happy, nobody is.

What is it about guest lists at weddings.? I've heard it time and again "it's the most stressful part of planning a wedding." and I always thought that everybody else was just high maintenance. "I'll never have that problem" I said to myself," I"m easy going, let it roll off like water on a duck's back, no prob." Yeah right. I tried to tell them all that we wanted a small wedding. I swear, from day one I told them all. We can have a simple reception, people can cook and bring the food, we'll buy wholesale flowers...but they insisted. "No...no no.. it's a celebration, we want to do this for you, it's our wedding too, we want it to be nice and include the people we love. So now it's March, less than 4 months until "the big day", I"m a little exhausted from the stress of my comps, a little emotionally on edge, I haven't had the time to have a real conversation with hubby-to-be in over two weeks and on top of it all I worked out for close to 2 hours today and pushed myself so hard that I"m fairly sure I won't feel my legs for days.

I should have guessed though that today would be the day that the absolute urgency of the "number" would hit. People who once knew my third cousin's meat inspector MUST come to my wedding so other's have got to get cut. And traditionally, as the bride, it's my job to hold the knife. My advice is not to be standing next to me once they hand it to me.

Ok, so maybe I"m being a little dramatic. It's not that I don't understand. My parent's aren't "made of money" as they say, and I'm thankful for that. I never wanted for anything and I turned out ok, and I surely don't wish we were millionaires now just so that crazy horace the town shoe shine guy can make a toast to my happy life. Receptions are expensive, I get that and I get that the building only holds so many people anyway. So who gets cut then? Friends? Family?




It's really a shame that I"m learning the inexhaustible beauty of Sacramental Marriage right now because eloping would have been a thought.

On that note....check out this Nuptial blessing in the Rite of Marriage

My dear friends, let us turn to the Lord and pray that he will bless with his grace this woman now married in Christ to this man and that through the sacrament of the body and blood of Christ, he will unite in love the couple he has joined in this holy bond.
Father, by your power you have made everything out of nothing.
In the beginning you created the universe and made mankind in your own likeness. You gave man the constant Help of woman so that man and woman should no longer be two, but one flesh, and you teach us that what you have united may never be divided.
Look with love upon this woman, your daughter, now joined to her husband in marriage. She asks your blessing. Give her the grace of love and peace. May she always follow the example of the holy women whose praises are sung in scriptures.
May her husband put his trust in her and recognize that she is his equal and the heir with him to the life of grace. May he always honor her and love her as Christ loves his bride, the Church.
Father, keep them always true to your commandments. Keep them faithful in marriage and let them be living examples of Christian life.
Give them the strength which comes from the gospel so that they may be witnesses of Christ to others. Bless them with children and help them to be good parents. May they live to see their children's children. And, after a happy old age, grant them fullness of life with the saints in the kingdom of heaven.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
R. Amen

Solemn Blessing (at the end of Mass)

May almighty God, with his Word of blessing, nite your hearts in the never-ending bond of pure love.
R. Amen

May your children bring you happiness, and may your generous love for them be returned to you, many times over.
R. Amen

May the peace of Christ live always in your hearts and in your home.
May you have true friends to stand by you, botn in joy and in sorrow.
May you be ready and willing to help and comfort all who come to you in need.
And may the blessings promised to the compassionate be yours in abundance.
R. Amen

May you find happiness and satisfaction in your work.
May daily problems never cause you undue anxiety, nor the desire for earthly possessions dominate your lives.
But may your heart' first desire be always the good things waiting for you in the life of heaven.
R. Amen

May the Lord bless you with many happy years together, so that you may enjoy the rewards of a good life. And after you have served him loyally in his kingdom on earth, may he welcome you to his eternal kingdom in heaven.
R. Amen

And may almighty God bless you all, the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit.



Beautiful.

"...and came out clean on the other side"

March 19th, 2006 (St. Joseph's feast day...usually)
Pic: St. Joseph Shadow of the Father

It's Sunday morning at about 11:20 and I'm sitting in the dining room looking at my empty cereal bowl and listening to the birds chirping the Salve Regina, or maybe it's me humming. I don't know what to do with myself. I've finished comprehensive exams, I've had the long awaited drink and gone to the party. I've slept (though not much), gone to Mass and now I sit waiting for the next moment of obligation to hit me. But before it does, a moment of joy, a moment to just, as my beloved Dean would say, "kick back and let it be done unto me". Hah! Such a great quote. I'm going to miss this place. I do still have about 6 weeks here but somehow the end of comps seems like the end. It's bitter sweet joy ya know? Every minute passed means one less minute of these people that I've grown to love so dearly, and my gosh, this school,this incredible, life affirming, soul filling school. But then again, every minute passed is also one minute toward home (in every sense of the word) one minute toward Louisiana, toward my friends and family, toward re-creation, toward the wedding, toward my hubby to be. So, I am being pulled in both directions and I am able to just be, which is what we were made for anyway. "We need to recover a sense of the uselessness" - another great quote by Dr. S.

So, while I'm just sitting here, being, I'm going to jot down my comps questions (or what I can remember of them) so that I can remember. I'm already starting to forget.

Day 1 Scripture/Patristics
1. (it was something like) Explain the nuptial mystery within salvation history, specifically focusing on Genesis 1 and 2. (yeah, ok so it wasn't really like that...but I'm forgetting already)
2. Manicheism, Pelagianism, Gnosticism and the responses to these heresies by Augustine and Iraneus.

Day 2 Systematic Theology and Philosophy
1. What is a person? (again...not the question but there was a Ratzinger quote on person and then we had to recount the development of the term in light of Revelation and Christianity and then give an account of what Balthasar and Ratzinger's new concept of the person is...er..something)

2. (This question was like a page long so there's no way I can remember it exactly) The gist of it was explain gender difference in light of the liberal concept of the person. John Paul II's nuptial body, Aristotle and Balthasar's takes on the perfection of act, body, gender etc, Balthasar on gender in the Trinity, asymmetrical reciprocity.. and why all this has to do with homosexuality and what it's significance is and why this is on a different level than race, culture etc.

Day 2 (part 3)
Moral Theology and Ethics

1. Explain different understandings of freedom and their effects on civil law/society. What are Aristotle and St. Thomas' view of freedom. er....something else that slips my mind now.

2. The relationship between nature and the supernatural, different developments, distortions etc and what this has to say about the Christian states of life and if there is a specific Christian ethic. (er....?)

and there it was.....6 hours of writing, months of studying, 2 years of class taking and communio (ing) and it was done. When it was all over we went to our chapel at the basilica to pray a rosary of thanksgiving and Dr. S sent over a reading for us to pray with. It was the reflection from the magnificat about Fatherhood by Papa Benedict, yeah the whole text of the one below. How cute!

Ok...I shall write more later...for now I'm off 'to be'.

p.s. 2 points to whoever can tell me what movie the partial quote in the title is from.

Guest blogger....Papa Bene!

"The word, "Father" makes me sure of one thing: I do not come from myself; I am a child. I am tempted at first to protest against this reminder as the prodigal son did. I want to be "of age", "emancipated," my own master. But then I ask myself: What is the alternative for me -- or for any person -- if I no longer have a Father, if I have left my state as a child definitively behind me? What have I gained thereby? Am I really free? No, I am free only when there is a principle of freedom, when there is someone who loves and whose love is strong. Ultimately, then, I have no alternative but to turn back again, to say "Father," and in that way to gain access to freedom by ackowledging the truth about myself. Then my glance falls on him who, his whole life long, identified himself as a child, as Son, and who, precisely as child and Son, was consubstantial with God himself: Jesus Christ. When I say "Father," the word automatically calls up the word "our." When I speak to God, I cannot address him solely as "Father." When I say "Father," I must include the "we" of all his children. But the opposite is also true: when I say "Father"I know that I have entered the company of all the children of God and that they are at my side. Consequently, talking with God does not distract me from my responsibility for the earth and for all mankind; it gives it to me anew. In the light of prayer, I can venture to accept it." -- Pope Benedict XVI

Today's procrastination sponsored by....

March 13th, 2006

You'll have to excuse my sparse posts while I continue to drudge through the week of comprehensive exams. It'll all be over on Saturday and you, my one faithful reader, can be assured of a return to our regularly scheduled program.

Until then....

Matthew Lickona, author of "Swimming with Scapulars: True Confessions of a Young Catholic", also has a blog called Godsbody. The name intrigued me I must say. I hear numerous things about the body during the course of my days here at the Institute and it definitely gets a girl thinking. Matthew recently interviewed Anne Rice, native of my home state and author of those cool, creepy, best-selling Vampire novels (come on you know you saw the movie, Tom Cruise with fangs...eerily appropriate isn't it?). Her most recent book, "Christ the Lord" seems an interesting change in pace from the long toothed, night crawlers of the south, not to mention an interesting development in her faith life. In the interview she talks some about her journey away from and slowly back toward the Catholic Church. Addressing the issue that her son is homosexual and that in some way she hopes that the Church would change her teaching on the matter. Before you grimace again read this quote of hers on the matter and the whole interview, if you have a chance. She may be a little short of orthodox but her reflections are definitely at the heart of the matter.

"...she does acknowledge that a reversal of the teaching [on homosexuality] "would be a huge revolution, because it really would be a divorce of sex and procreation. I don't know the answer. I'm just beginning to study the theology that pertains to this, and it's awe-inspiring."
She understands that the body matters, not least because Christ took one at the Incarnation. "Jesus had a body; He came and lived in a body, and died in a body."
Pondering that, meditating on that, trying to give that some meaning, "is something that you can do all your life."

Thoughts?

la pomme de la mort

March 10, 2006

I should be studying for my comprehensive exams right now. Yet, here I am. So, what the heck, let's blog.

If you are in a relationship, know anybody in a relationship, or have ever heard the word relationship you know they are difficult. (And by difficult I mean wonderful) My personal reflection upon romantic relationships, specifically now that I'm preparing for marriage, is that they are practice for death. Little death's here, a small cross there, some are taken with dignity, some kicking and screaming and some not at all.

When I think about being a Martyr, I like to imagine that I would be brave and submit to my fate with a quiet yet witty holiness.
You want to cut my head off? I could use a trim while you're there, can you do layers?
Burn me at the stake? I'm cajun, blackened please.
Drawn and quartered? Try not to get any on the rug ok?
Poison? With a Cherry on top?

But ask me to swallow my pride, even when I KNOW there's no way on God's green earth He can be right!? Say, "I believe in you" instead of "this is how you should do it..."? Just take me now Lord! These little deaths are killing me.

How does a woman do it? How do I flourish as a woman of God, as my own unique being, AND let him lead like the man of God I know he is and want him to be? I've gone through varying stages of answering this question to myself. Christ is always the answer. Mary is always the example.

So, here's my latest thought on the matter.

Adam and Eve were asking for it. Before they even took a bite they were setting themselves up for disaster by failing in, what JPII calls, "what man will be for woman and what woman will be for man". The serpent came to Eve and asked her what God had said about the tree of knowledge. God had spoken to Adam, and now he was nowhere to be found. So, like all of us independent women types, she took it upon herself to answer in his place, while he was off nearby collecting fig leaves or something.

I can tell ya, it's only a matter of time then, when woman "grasps" for man's role and man fails to be man....boy is it coming.

Woman's role is not to be Adam. It's also not to let Adam know what his role is. Relationship's are like chinese finger cuffs in this way. The more you try to let the other know what his/her role is the worse it gets. The more you focus on being what you are, the more free you become.

Hey, I didn't make the rules, I've just lost at the game enough times to know what they are.

Somehow, even if you are dead on convinced that you are right (which we always are aren't we?) and he is wrong, the minute you point a finger, accuse, or even politely say "just move out of the way and let me do it" you can pretty much throw in the towel. It's like a chain reaction. One of you does it, then the other reacts, and it all keeps spiraling down until somebody is crying, aggrivated or just shuts down completely. On the contrary, if you recognize the small, oh so painful opportunity to die to yourself in a moment preceeding one of these conflicts, an amazing thing happens. One little death will do it and it will open the door for the other to be who they are and suddenly grace is pouring over both of you and the only problem left is how attractive he's just become.

Sounds easy, but let me tell you sista, it aint. To know what this looks like in every situation is so hard, so delicate. Somehow, everytime, it looks like Mary telling Jesus "they need more wine".

What is the fundamental difference between Eve in the garden and Mary at the wedding at Cana?

Mary did not presume to do what it was Jesus' role to do. She was completely and totally receptive to him, as man, in a beautifully, feminine, active way. She did not act for him, she provided the space where his act would be most fruitful. Mary provides space, but not passively, actively, creatively even.

What a woman.

More random thoughts on this to come, but for now, I must study.
Please please pray for my comps next week. Maybe you could offer up one of these little death's for it?

Much to be sorted out...

March 8th, 2006

I have too much to say, to say it all tonight. So I'll spend some time thinking about it all and putting it into coherent thoughts and will try to post tomorrow. Until then...

My professor wrote a new book! It's not available yet but you can check out the summary on Amazon.

Spirit's gift: The Metaphysical Insight of Claude Bruaire.

by Fr. Antonio Lopez, F.S.C.B

To all my dieting friends...

March 7th, 2006

Exactly 4 months from now I will be a married woman. On the one hand, it's a very surreal thought seeing as all day long I learn about the profundity of Sacramental Marriage. But, on the other hand even us JPII Institute students worry about seemingly 'trivial' things such as how we will look in our wedding dress. In actuallity, I don't think it's trivial at all. I've learned more about my body, the physical body and the theological meaning of the body in the past 2 years than I've ever known in my life and ya know what? It does matter, on many levels. That treatise I will save for another day.

My most recent attempt to get healthy is a website called My Food Diary where you track calories, fat, sodium, iron and every other nutrient that we put into our bodies all day. At the end of the day the site tells me whether I've eaten enough calories or too much, if my iron count was too high (which it usually is) and if my sodium intake was too high (which it also usually is). You get smiley faces for good acheivements like eating enough, excercising, and making sure your percentages of fat, carbs and protein are right. Likewise, you get 'frownies" for the bad things that you've done like drink too much alchohol and intake too much iron or having too many calories in one meal. Within the "MFD" Community there is much joy shared in acheiving smileys. And, as you can imagine a frownie can put a damper on an otherwise happy day. It might sound a little crazy but you're Catholic so you're used to crazy right? In any case, it's a great site and I recommend it, though it does cost a little. It's good information if you're trying to attain an overall healthy lifestyle. This post ended up in the forum there today and I laughed so hard I almost pee'd my pants. Enjoy.

******************
Posted by Binkus Posted on Tuesday, January 17, 2006 at 8:43:19 AM ET
[WARNING: LONG POST]

I knew this day was coming. I mean 11 smilies are nice but come on people. I made Vegan Chocolate Cake. It had tofu in it. I made Chocolate Cake WITH TOFU IN IT! I'm a 250 lb woman. I didn't get here without putting butter in my cake. I mean it looked good. It sure had healthy ingredients. And it was absolutely flavorless. I made people try it just to watch their faces. It was dark and moist and went straight into the trash. I need a drink now and then. A real drink. A buzz producing drink. A single shot of gin is like a grape to an elephant. C'mon frownie man. So two shots of gin produce a frownie. DEAR GOD I had 264 alcohol calories. That's less than my damn power bar after I work out and that sucker has saturated fat in it. So you know what frownie boy, those two shots of gin are between me and my liver. I'm tired of playing the "no dessert" smiley shell game. We all know why snack number 3 is there. It's there so we can hide our pudding cups.So yesterday I was ready. I had dinner reservations at the swanky new french restaurant in town. I ate a light breakfast. 2 hours later I was hungry. I ate a light snack. It was time to work out. I just couldn't do it. I took a nap instead. When I got up I was hungry. I ate a light lunch. ½ hour later I ate a real lunch. A good lunch with mayonnaise and everything. I was no longer hungry but I only had 500 calories left to maintenance. On a normal day this wouldn't be problem but I was going to a French restaurant. A good French restaurant. A restaurant where they set the desserts ON FIRE! And you know what, as the hour approached I still wasn't hungry. When I got there I wasn't hungry. And as I sat there and contemplated the menu I was conflicted. I know what you all think happened. You think I became one of those "I'll just have a salad girls". But you know what, we fat girls HATE those girls. HATE them. So I leaned back in my chair and thought I am not hungry but have been looking forward to this for a week so I am going to do something I haven't done in 6 months and 25 lbs. I am going to eat for PLEASURE. I am going to say "yes" to all the naughty questions. "Would you like a drink before dinner?" "Something to start?" "Would you like to see the dessert menu?" Yes. Yes. YES!And after I had extinguished the flames on my dessert I leaned back with a satisfaction I haven't felt in forever. And I thought, how bad could it be? So this morning I entered it all. I erred on the side of brutal honesty. I got frownies I didn't even know existed. And I don't care. Because when all the damage was totaled up it wasn't so bad. I realized that if I saved an extra 100 calories a day I could do this every so often and it wouldn't matter a damn bit. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm getting back on the horse. But I am rewarding myself with FOOD. Exactly what they say you shouldn't do but I'm doing it. And I'm going to love it. I am going to embrace the You-haven't-eaten-enough frownie because there's always tomorrow to make up for it. I'm going to be sad when I DON'T get the Alchohol frownie. It means I probably didn't have enough fun that day. Sodium Frownie? Pass the salt. But why tell us Binkus? I hear you ask. You're just making me hungry. Well I'm glad you asked. I am starting this thread for the other Binkus's out there who love to eat GOOD food. I'm not talking about dipping oreos in chocolate sauce in the dead of night. I'm talking about people who love to sit down to a real pot roast or a perfect lasagna. [If anyone mentions cottage cheese or tofu in the same sentence as the word lasagna just strangle them. I'm Italian for God's sake, Ricotta runs in my veins.] This thread is NOT for you new agers who want to "flush the toxins" out of your system with the latest fad high colonic. It is NOT for you "fat" girls who are 11 pounds over your ideal body weight. It is NOT for the"I'll just have a salad" girls. And it is DEFINITELY NOT for those whiners who state, "But MFD says I haven't had enough calories today and I just don't know what to do." Go stick a chocolate bar in some peanut butter and be quiet. This thread is for the people who are the only ones at the table who order dessert. And when the waiter puts down all the extra forks you use them as weapons to pin your greedy neighbors' hands to the table. This thread is for the guy out there who ate a steak so big the Iron frownie said, "Forget abdominal pains. Go straight to the emergency room." I want to hear the stories of the dinner so wonderful that the You-ate-too-much-in-a-single-meal frownie just looked confused and said, "Are you sure?". I want to hear your stories so I can live vicariously through you until I get to my next reward day. So let me just lean back and mix this martini, and...go.

My Morning...in two Acts.

March 7th, 2006

Act one: starring: The cynic

At approximately 7 a.m this morning, as my alarm jolted me out of sleep and I hit the snooze button in a series of "just one more minute" attempts, the local Latino community (which makes up my entire neighborhood and surrounding area) gathered together in an important yet disturbing meeting.
For the sake of other uni-linguialists out there the content of the meeting shall be both translated and summarized for your convenience (and mine since I don't speak Spanish)

"We the Latino community of Trafficville, MD having noted the presence of our neighbor Miss Amy L, slight speeder and consistant 'wave and smile' motorist, for no good reason what-so-ever except perhaps for our own sheer delight, do hearby swear to cooperate with the following happenings of the morning:

At approximately 7:15, as Ms. L is trying to get those last crucial minutes of sleep, we shall, in an act of urgency and impatience bring our children to Trafficville elementery, which by happenstance is located directly across the side steet that Ms. L's bedroom window faces. We are not to simply drive past the school calmly coming to a stop and allowing our children to exit the vehicle and walk quietly into the building. We are infact to show our impatience at the line of traffic by honking, yelling and turning our morning dance music to a volume at which all outlying areas of society may partake. We are to instruct our children to slam the door with all of their little might as they leave the car and as they run into the building we are to yell at them the 5 things we forgot to tell them earlier, ensuing more impatience, horn honking and yelling.

At approximately 7:55 a.m., as Ms. L is taking her stroll to St. Jerome's RC Church for Mass we are to release the second wave of unruly parents and children, now 25 minutes late for school, in an effort to chase Ms. L down while continuing all honk, yell, and slam rituals that would normally insue at the earlier drop off time.

At approximately 8:45 a.m, as Ms. L is stopping at the local 7Eleven to get her morning jolt of caffeine, both the parking lot and interior of the store shall appear empty and calm. Upon entering the store Ms. L shall notice still that she is alone in her patronage and shall conclude that her purchasing experience shall be that of ease. After having fixed a full cup of coffee, Ms. L, shall turn to see that the 7Eleven has now become flooded with customers causing the line to wrap around the pastry case, putting her eye to eye with freshly baked old fashioned cake doughnuts that she is not allowed to have. We solemly swear to only allow one cashier to work at one time, that cashier being either new, unnaturally slow, or extremely rude and we will try to the best of our ability to hit on Ms. L in spanish throughout the entirety of her wait.
Upon finally getting out of the line and into her car, Ms. L shall wait for minuts on end as every other car in the lot begins to back out at once causing a jam of drivers who choose to socialize in leu of tending to the problem.

At approximately 9:05 a.m., we shall send out or special task force to assist Ms. L in her drive to school through D.C. traffic. This special unit shall include only those of our community with either cars made before 1953 or drivers over the age of 80 and in many cases a combination of the two. We shall see to it that Ms. L gets stuck in the left lane for the entirety of the trip, having to stop for the entirety of 2 or 3 changing of lights in order for one of our special unit team members to turn left. In those cases when the District of Columbia has unwittingly provided a turn lane for just such an occasion, the SU team member shall place only half of his/her car in the lane leaving the other half mostly in Ms. L's lane causing her to wait for all traffic to pass before she can drive around. The special unit team, being highly trained in poor big city driving skills, shall pull out in front of, go 10 miles below the speed limit and honk at the occasion of every red light.

Let all who do not adhere to the above rules be anathema. So it is said, so shall it be done.


Act 2: starring: the cynic, and the grace of God

I woke up this morning a little before I had planned because the kids who attend the school across the street were being dropped off. At first I was groggy but as I looked out of the window I couldn't help but smile. Kids, with all the glory that they entail in their little beings were running with all their might across the playground and giggling with a joy that few adults have at 7:15 in the morning. Those parents dropping them off stopped traffic a few seconds longer in order to get one last sloppy kiss from their child that would last them through the long work day.

As I walked to Mass in the beautiful, brisk March weather I noticed that the squirrels had returned from their winter sleep and were playing with full force in the yard. Kids who's parents had given them a few extra minutes of sleep perhaps or who left for school only after they had enjoyed a full healthy breakfast, were now arriving, tardy but smiling none the less.

Mass itself was beautiful and refreshing and I felt the Lord strengthen me with his grace so that I might drag my weary and sinful body throughout the day with dignity. I enjoyed a nice breakfast and noticed that I still had enough time to stop and get a cup of coffee before making it to class.

The 7Eleven was a little crowded but people smiling and saying hello in the early morning makes even waiting in line mostly tolerable. The drive to school took a little longer than usual but since I had left early I was in no hurry and the waiting gave me more time to notice the beautiful blue skies and sing along with my new CD. As I approached the Basilica the view of that mighty dome made me thankful to live here, even for just a short time longer, and to be able to see and visit such a fantastic Church everyday.

St. Ephrem the Syrian

March 6th, 2006

In Mass today, right after communion, I got this overwhelming feeling of grace and peace. And one solitary thought filled my mind with light.

I am so happy and blessed to be right here, right now.

That was it and I knew it was from God because if it had been from me it would have been much more complicated and conviluted. This was pure. This was a gift.

There was a bit of bitterness to the beauty though, I will admit. All that time, these past few months when I stopped going to daily Mass everyday and only went here and there mostly for school Mass and Sundays and other times when I was 'expected' to go. I had convinced myself of a few things in all this time. One, that it wasn't necessary to go to Mass EVERY day. Two, that it was a huge and good thing that I always go on Sunday. and Three, that I didn't have 'time' to go everyday anyway. The first two were plausible, the third was a lie that I told myself. I live in Washington D.C. for crying out loud! Home of the largest Catholic Church in America that just so happens to have 6 masses a day not to mention the Church a half a block from my house that has both 8a.m. mass and 11:30 mass. We wont even talk about the hundreds of other Catholic churches in the area.

I didn't have time.

Luckily, long ago, I made a deal with God (not this most recent one). I gave Him my heart, as much as I could give and I told him to keep it, nomatter what I said or did for the rest of my life. Now in reality, I know that God values my freedom over any trivial deal I might attempt to make. I know He always gives me the "choice" to turn away from Him..I know this because I do it often. But part of me likes to believe that somehow He has kept part of this deal in atleast always allowing me to come back somehow, on my knees, on my face.....however.
And He's always welcomed me back with open merciful arms.

A smile comes to my face just thinking about it.

Appropriately enough, the reflection in the magnificat today was a perfect ending to my perfect Mass.

I think St. Ephrem the Syrian made deals too...

"Although I am most sinful and unworthy, I ceaslessly knock at your door. Although I am apathetic and slothful and take no care about my salvation, I wish to follow your path. Save me for the sake of your mercy, for in every way you are good, O Lord, and your compassion is in all your works."

bread, body, and a story about a toilet

March 5th, 2006

Bread:

It's one of the things I've given up this lent, though I have to admit I don't eat it any time of the year on a daily basis. I guess the challenge comes in eating out or away from home where pizza and sandwhiches and flatbread look so yummy. It's been a challenge so far but today I had some extra motivation.

“man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD (Deuteronomy 8:3) (Jesus avoiding temptation).

It's not so much this verse that inspired me but the fact that Jesus is the bread of life. He is my sustinance. And I think it profoundly appropriate that the only bread I will have this lent is in fact not bread at all but the body, blood, soul and divinity of my Jesus.

Now that makes me want to walk away from a pizza!

Body:
I went to Caribou Coffee to study today both because it got me out of the house and because it was close to the house where I was babysitting tonight. While I was there I had two cups of coffee. I've only had about a cup and a half of coffee in the
past month. (Remember this, it will be important to the next section of this post). While there I was studying Theology of the Body. The section I was reading today got me thinking, along with other comments in the course of my week.

I struggle with my weight, it's no secret, I always have really. At this moment I have a better grasp on health than I have in a long time, weighing 30 pounds less than I did at my heaviest (only 2 years ago). In any case, at moments I notice the obsession with food (that still has a pretty good grip on my life) has not in fact been transformed but only turned into an obsession with eating healthy and working out. These two things are not bad in and of themselves and are even a preferred obsession to gluttony but they still do not warrant purity.
Purity is what this current section of the class is about. JPII is constantly stating that purity is, among other things, mastery over one's impulses. Purity is freedom in that sense. It is me, realizing myself as gift and because of that gift having authority over my passions. This current section also spoke of manipulation of the body in any way as being contrary to purity.
The other day in a study session we talked about seeing our bodies as a mere attachment to myself, a machine with which I can do as I please (a common mindset of modernity) as being distorted. We also noted however that seeing the body as an addendum AT ALL, even as a healthy one, is also distorted. I am my body and I have been given myself therefore I am to live my life in holiness and wholeness. My body is not a machine for me to program as I wish, even if my program is healthy food and working out. If its only for my own reasons, to get results, to look good etc, it is no more an adequate appreciation of my body than gluttony.
Food for thought. Yum.

..And a story about a toilet.
Remember my two cups of coffee? Well, I sure did about 3 hours later. My tummy had been rumbling but I was watching, feeding, and entertaining a 6 year old and a 3 year old, so there was little time for bathroom breaks. When I had finally gotten the kiddos to bed I decided that it would be necessary for me to use the bathroom in the parent's bedroom as the downstairs toilet had refused to flush earlier. After I was 'done' I flushed and it became immediately apparent to me that the water was in fact rising, and quickly.

My father once told me that if I ever found myself in such a situation (though I'm sure he didnt have this one in mind) that I should find the knob on the bottom of the toilet and turn the water off. And he would have been proud because I did remember, though about 2 minutes too late.

And so, I found myself standing with one hand in the top tank pulling the chain and the other hand trying to save rugs, toilet paper and tampons from their inevitable destiny of being soaked. After some time, I got everything somewhat dry and comforted myself with the fact that they would not be home for a few hours and that things would be much less damp by then. It would all just be a funny story.

As I walked downstairs to put the soaking wet towel in the laundry room however, I heard keys in the front door. They had come home early from the concert and I would have to tell the truth.

"If it had been any other couple" I explained, " I would probably be pretty embarrassed right now, but you guys are so great Its really no big deal"

And of course it really wouldn't have been a big deal if at that moment I hadn't looked down and noticed that in the rush and rumble of it all I had forgotten to button my pants and buckle my belt. So, there I stood, red face and pink underwear for all the world to see.

In the end they though it was hillarious and apologized for their faulty toilets. It's really too bad that these people are atheists because I think that would have been an opportune moment for me to reference the humility of the Lenten season.

Prayer, Fasting, and cheap fish

March 4th, 2006

I was driving to my study session this morning and I saw something that did a tiny little tap dance on my last nerve. In fact, this is a pet peeve of mine every Lenten season and I've been quiet long enough! Just when you think the world has no clue of the liturgical seasons....Lent comes around and every fast food joint in sight just so happens to have a new/improved/or just plain cheap special on fish. It's not just any fish either, it's the square kind.



Now, you're Catholic, it's friday and you're trying to figure out what to eat for lunch. If every day you have a super chicken value meal, does it really affect you on the sacraficial level to trade the meat that barely passes for chicken for something that squarely passes for fish? I think not. I"m not judging mind you. I'm not perfect and I myself almost sat down to a nice heaping bowl of chicken tortilla soup on Friday. I'm just saying people! Do you think McDonalds REALLY cares about your lenten obligation?

Yeah, so thats my rant today. Did I mention one of my Lenten promises was to be more charitable. We'll put an X by that one today.

In other news I saw the movie Nanny McPhee tonight and it was delightful, not to mention filled with cute kids. Immediately after watching it I called my fiancee and asked him if it were ok if we had 7 british children. He agreed though he found it difficult to understand how two people from the deep south would accoplish such a thing.

In other other news, it looks like I gave up the right things for Lent. Why? you ask. Because I find myself wanting those things all day long. We're barely 4 days in and I'm so weak. Lord have mercy! Please pray for me. The daily Mass thing is going swimmingly though and so far I've been able to receive the grace to get there every day. Praise God.

That reminds me...I need to say night prayer.

Adieu world wide web of people who don't read my blog. Tomorrow is another day.

must sleep...

will post tomorrow

.. and follow me

Thursday March 2nd

My alarm went off promptly at 7a.m this morning so that I could take my temperature.

****I'm not sick or weird (well maybe I'm a little weird but we can get into that more as Lent goes by) I'm preparing for marriage. So, like any good, JPII Institute student girl getting married I'm learning all about NFP or like my Redemption of Sexuality prof likes to call it "Fertility Awareness". In any case the alarm goes off at 7 every morning for me to take my temperature.***

I reset it for 7:50 (the last possible minute I can wake up, throw clothes on and still make it to 8:00 Mass down the street) and went back to sleep. The next time I opened my eyes it was 8:11. Supposedly I had forgotten to switch the alarm button back to 'on' but in reality I think God was slacking on his end of the deal. In any case I was not a happy camper and I let the Almighty know in no uncertain terms.

I had been inconvenienced! Now when would I work out? When would I study? The whole flow of the day was off now and there was no redemption to be found.

My loving Jesus quickly hit me over the head with the fact that daily Mass is in fact not a right. It is a priveledge. Oh yeah.

Long story not so short, I stayed home, did "gym in a box" (worthy of it's own blog) and went to noon Mass at St. Mark's on the other side of town. I've never been to daily Mass there before and I quickly noticed that I was the only person under the age of 60 save for the homeschooling mom and her 5 little ducklings sitting across the aisle from me.

My prayer before Mass was candid, odd, and a little uncanny even to me. "Yeah, so I want a nice body Lord. So what? I study the Theology of the Body, it only makes sense right? I mean, I don't want to be a supermodel, I just want thin thighs. You have thin thighs (looking at crucifix).

** At this point I was struck by the absurdity of what I had just prayed. Jesus has thin thighs. On the cross. And I was being envious. ***

"OK...maybe you were concerned with more than thin thighs at that exact moment Lord. I'm not saying it's not possible. But this right now, today, Is what this pear-shaped girl is concerned with, among other things. If it's selfish, let me know. If it's superficial, change my heart. Otherwise, help me out a little!"
**Tap on my shoulder**
"Excuse me, are you Esther Brown?" "No, I"m not" "Oh, Ok sorry"

Random.

Anyway, then came the gospel and all seemed trivial. Take up your cross. We know this part, we do it everyday. Take it up? No prob. I've got lots of things on my back; people who aggrivate me, lots of school work, relationships, wedding plans, lack of funds, too many calories...etc etc.

And.

Follow me. There it is, the clincher. Don't just take it up, take it up, close your yap and walk in my footsteps. I have put before you life and death... and you want thin thighs.

I also want life for the record. I think both life and thin thighs require death, I know they do, but not just any death, death in Christ, with Christ, for Christ.

This gospel is what my fiancee and I picked as the gospel reading at our wedding. There is no other phrase that better exemplifies a loving relationship such as marriage than "take up your cross daily and follow me.."

"Remember, you are dust and to dust you shall return"

March 1st, 2006. Ash Wednesday.

I realized something early on today, something I probably knew before. I am really good at beginnings. This of course says little about middles or ends, both of which I am mediocre at best, but beginnings are excellent. I think it's all about the new start, the rebirth of it all. Its so Catholic.

So today, true to form, I awoke bright and early with vigor in my step. Ok..maybe not vigor but I was more awake than normal. I threw on some decent clothes and trotted down to St. Jerome's for daily Mass (one of my Lenten promises). I did notice there were more attendants than normal but the church was by no means packed. It felt good to be there, good to pray, good to get a dark defined cross of ashes on my forhead. I got home and promtly fixed my healthy breakfast, cleaned my room and put my gym clothes on. (all part of the new lenten me)

Lets go back a bit... during Mass I made a deal with God, something else I"m pretty keen on. In actuality there wasn't much dealing there, it's pretty much all on Him. I just participate. Which is my call anyway right? The deal: In going to Mass everyday and receiving the eucharist, He gives me the strength to fulfill all of my other Lenten promises just for that day. Furthermore, in fulfilling all of my Lenten promises for the day, He gives me strength to get to Mass the next day, one day at a time. It's brilliant, foolproof even, and I can't wait to see how long it takes me to screw it up.

I made it to the gym earlier than normal and in the 2 minutes that it takes to walk from my car to the door I had already forgotten it was Lent. The stares and strange looks I got reminded me pretty quickly and when I got to the front counter and the guy at the desk looked at my forhead while saying "Oh S***! It's Ash Wednesday, I need to go to Mass!" I had to laugh a little. I'm used to a place where everyone is very aware what day it is precisely because they were so aware what yesterday was. Everybody is Catholic in South Louisiana and everybody celebrates Mardi Gras. Therefore, you're never the only one with ashes on your head. That wasn't my experience today but we'll chalk it up to the fact that it was still before 10 a.m.

My classmates and I were talking tonight about why Ash Wednesday is the day of the year when Mass is most attended, even by non-Catholics. What is it about a slathering of ashes on their heads that make people flock to a church they never visit otherwise? I don't have an answer really but I think it has something to do with that innate sense of our own mortality. We know we're dust and we know that thats where we're headed and somehow being reminded of that is comforting.

But here it is, the end of day one and I have indeed been given the graces to persevere. My prayers tonight will be prayers of thanksgiving.