St. Ephrem the Syrian

March 6th, 2006

In Mass today, right after communion, I got this overwhelming feeling of grace and peace. And one solitary thought filled my mind with light.

I am so happy and blessed to be right here, right now.

That was it and I knew it was from God because if it had been from me it would have been much more complicated and conviluted. This was pure. This was a gift.

There was a bit of bitterness to the beauty though, I will admit. All that time, these past few months when I stopped going to daily Mass everyday and only went here and there mostly for school Mass and Sundays and other times when I was 'expected' to go. I had convinced myself of a few things in all this time. One, that it wasn't necessary to go to Mass EVERY day. Two, that it was a huge and good thing that I always go on Sunday. and Three, that I didn't have 'time' to go everyday anyway. The first two were plausible, the third was a lie that I told myself. I live in Washington D.C. for crying out loud! Home of the largest Catholic Church in America that just so happens to have 6 masses a day not to mention the Church a half a block from my house that has both 8a.m. mass and 11:30 mass. We wont even talk about the hundreds of other Catholic churches in the area.

I didn't have time.

Luckily, long ago, I made a deal with God (not this most recent one). I gave Him my heart, as much as I could give and I told him to keep it, nomatter what I said or did for the rest of my life. Now in reality, I know that God values my freedom over any trivial deal I might attempt to make. I know He always gives me the "choice" to turn away from Him..I know this because I do it often. But part of me likes to believe that somehow He has kept part of this deal in atleast always allowing me to come back somehow, on my knees, on my face.....however.
And He's always welcomed me back with open merciful arms.

A smile comes to my face just thinking about it.

Appropriately enough, the reflection in the magnificat today was a perfect ending to my perfect Mass.

I think St. Ephrem the Syrian made deals too...

"Although I am most sinful and unworthy, I ceaslessly knock at your door. Although I am apathetic and slothful and take no care about my salvation, I wish to follow your path. Save me for the sake of your mercy, for in every way you are good, O Lord, and your compassion is in all your works."