la pomme de la mort

March 10, 2006

I should be studying for my comprehensive exams right now. Yet, here I am. So, what the heck, let's blog.

If you are in a relationship, know anybody in a relationship, or have ever heard the word relationship you know they are difficult. (And by difficult I mean wonderful) My personal reflection upon romantic relationships, specifically now that I'm preparing for marriage, is that they are practice for death. Little death's here, a small cross there, some are taken with dignity, some kicking and screaming and some not at all.

When I think about being a Martyr, I like to imagine that I would be brave and submit to my fate with a quiet yet witty holiness.
You want to cut my head off? I could use a trim while you're there, can you do layers?
Burn me at the stake? I'm cajun, blackened please.
Drawn and quartered? Try not to get any on the rug ok?
Poison? With a Cherry on top?

But ask me to swallow my pride, even when I KNOW there's no way on God's green earth He can be right!? Say, "I believe in you" instead of "this is how you should do it..."? Just take me now Lord! These little deaths are killing me.

How does a woman do it? How do I flourish as a woman of God, as my own unique being, AND let him lead like the man of God I know he is and want him to be? I've gone through varying stages of answering this question to myself. Christ is always the answer. Mary is always the example.

So, here's my latest thought on the matter.

Adam and Eve were asking for it. Before they even took a bite they were setting themselves up for disaster by failing in, what JPII calls, "what man will be for woman and what woman will be for man". The serpent came to Eve and asked her what God had said about the tree of knowledge. God had spoken to Adam, and now he was nowhere to be found. So, like all of us independent women types, she took it upon herself to answer in his place, while he was off nearby collecting fig leaves or something.

I can tell ya, it's only a matter of time then, when woman "grasps" for man's role and man fails to be man....boy is it coming.

Woman's role is not to be Adam. It's also not to let Adam know what his role is. Relationship's are like chinese finger cuffs in this way. The more you try to let the other know what his/her role is the worse it gets. The more you focus on being what you are, the more free you become.

Hey, I didn't make the rules, I've just lost at the game enough times to know what they are.

Somehow, even if you are dead on convinced that you are right (which we always are aren't we?) and he is wrong, the minute you point a finger, accuse, or even politely say "just move out of the way and let me do it" you can pretty much throw in the towel. It's like a chain reaction. One of you does it, then the other reacts, and it all keeps spiraling down until somebody is crying, aggrivated or just shuts down completely. On the contrary, if you recognize the small, oh so painful opportunity to die to yourself in a moment preceeding one of these conflicts, an amazing thing happens. One little death will do it and it will open the door for the other to be who they are and suddenly grace is pouring over both of you and the only problem left is how attractive he's just become.

Sounds easy, but let me tell you sista, it aint. To know what this looks like in every situation is so hard, so delicate. Somehow, everytime, it looks like Mary telling Jesus "they need more wine".

What is the fundamental difference between Eve in the garden and Mary at the wedding at Cana?

Mary did not presume to do what it was Jesus' role to do. She was completely and totally receptive to him, as man, in a beautifully, feminine, active way. She did not act for him, she provided the space where his act would be most fruitful. Mary provides space, but not passively, actively, creatively even.

What a woman.

More random thoughts on this to come, but for now, I must study.
Please please pray for my comps next week. Maybe you could offer up one of these little death's for it?